Tabloid genealogy alert:Oprah related to Elvis!

Publication: Sun
Date: 10 May 2010

It was only a few weeks ago that the tabloids wanted us to care who Oprah's true father was. Now the Sun makes a leap into uncharted territory (for them) and gives us some celebrity news.

Oprah Winfrey is related to Elvis Presley.

And their distant blood connection means they also have a psychic link!

Okay, that's more like the Sun we know and (kind of) love.

Tabloid genealogy alert:Oprah related to Elvis!

Publication: Sun
Date: 10 May 2010

It was only a few weeks ago that the tabloids wanted us to care who Oprah's true father was. Now the Sun makes a leap into uncharted territory (for them) and gives us some celebrity news.

Oprah Winfrey is related to Elvis Presley.

And their distant blood connection means they also have a psychic link!

Okay, that's more like the Sun we know and (kind of) love.

Love Bird Alert™:Oprah rushes back to Stedman

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 May 2010

The Globe, usually one of the nastiest of the checkout rags, tells us Oprah has decided to stick it out with her big strong man with the turkey neck and the fivehead. (That's a really big forehead. Stedman may even qualify as a sixhead.)

I guess that whole big gay lie thing is just one of those phases that people in their fifties go through.

Love Bird Alert™:Oprah rushes back to Stedman

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 May 2010

The Globe, usually one of the nastiest of the checkout rags, tells us Oprah has decided to stick it out with her big strong man with the turkey neck and the fivehead. (That's a really big forehead. Stedman may even qualify as a sixhead.)

I guess that whole big gay lie thing is just one of those phases that people in their fifties go through.

Breaking news:Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry split

Source: Radar Online
Date: 30 Apr. 2010

Radar Online reports that Halle Berry and her boyfriend of five years, Canadian model Gabriel Aubry, have decided to separate. They have a child together, two year old Nalha.

Berry has been married twice and has said she has no plans to marry again.

While Halle Berry is clearly a low flying angel, I have to say this guy is almost as good looking as she is.

Almost.

Breaking news:Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry split

Source: Radar Online
Date: 30 Apr. 2010

Radar Online reports that Halle Berry and her boyfriend of five years, Canadian model Gabriel Aubry, have decided to separate. They have a child together, two year old Nalha.

Berry has been married twice and has said she has no plans to marry again.

While Halle Berry is clearly a low flying angel, I have to say this guy is almost as good looking as she is.

Almost.

On the Rocks Alert:Barack Obama caught in hotel with a beautiful woman who is not his wife

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 May 2010

The Globe has been the main flogger of the "trouble in the White House marriage" story, with some help from the Examiner. They couldn't get people worked up about Michelle being insanely jealous or drunken White House parties, so now they have Barack seen leaving a Washington hotel room with some woman whose picture was on the cover but her name was not given. Her name is also not on their website. I guess you have to buy the magazine to find this out, or at least thumb through it while in line buying EZ Cheese.

I do from time to time open a supermarket rag to get names and/or dates, but not this time.

On the Rocks Alert:Barack Obama caught in hotel with a beautiful woman who is not his wife

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 May 2010

The Globe has been the main flogger of the "trouble in the White House marriage" story, with some help from the Examiner. They couldn't get people worked up about Michelle being insanely jealous or drunken White House parties, so now they have Barack seen leaving a Washington hotel room with some woman whose picture was on the cover but her name was not given. Her name is also not on their website. I guess you have to buy the magazine to find this out, or at least thumb through it while in line buying EZ Cheese.

I do from time to time open a supermarket rag to get names and/or dates, but not this time.

Man Slut Alert:Tiger Woods had sex with 121 women while married

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 May 2010

The Flagship wants you to know that Tiger Woods is not just a champion golfer, he is also a champion man slut. He had sex with 121 women while married to Elin Nordegren, who still hasn't officially divorced his cheating ass. And other cheating parts.

How did they come up with the seemingly precise number 121? It's not a "round number", which usually means a multiple of 10 or 100, but it is 11², which all you perfect square fans have already realized, I'm sure.

There is a saying you may have already heard that 89.32% of all statistics are made up on the spot. You may have heard a slightly different percentage, but of course this one I told you has been completely verified.

Trust me, I'm a mathematician.

Man Slut Alert:Tiger Woods had sex with 121 women while married

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 May 2010

The Flagship wants you to know that Tiger Woods is not just a champion golfer, he is also a champion man slut. He had sex with 121 women while married to Elin Nordegren, who still hasn't officially divorced his cheating ass. And other cheating parts.

How did they come up with the seemingly precise number 121? It's not a "round number", which usually means a multiple of 10 or 100, but it is 11², which all you perfect square fans have already realized, I'm sure.

There is a saying you may have already heard that 89.32% of all statistics are made up on the spot. You may have heard a slightly different percentage, but of course this one I told you has been completely verified.

Trust me, I'm a mathematician.

Late to the Party alert:Bret Michael's hospitalization

Publications: Weekly Life and Style, Us Weekly
Date: 10 May 2010

Quite often, any trip to the hospital is portrayed as a person near death, but both Weekly Life and Style and Us Weekly instead talk about Bret Michaels fighting for his life instead of calling him near death, so this does not count as a Not Long 4 This World alert.

According to the internet, Michaels isn't the hard party guy you would expect a glam rock star to be, because he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes as a kid and he had one scary episode back in the glory days of his band Poison and hasn't been tempted again to get seriously drunk. I do not know if he is a complete teetotaler.

This isn't the best time to quibble, but the things that happened to him recently don't really count as him fighting for his life as much as doctors fighting for his life and him recovering from surgery. Appendectomies and brain hemorrhages are deadly serious to be sure, but it isn't so much about the patient being "a fighter" as it is about getting to a doctor in time and getting a proper diagnosis.

Best wishes to Bret for a speedy and full recovery.

Late to the Party alert:Bret Michael's hospitalization

Publications: Weekly Life and Style, Us Weekly
Date: 10 May 2010

Quite often, any trip to the hospital is portrayed as a person near death, but both Weekly Life and Style and Us Weekly instead talk about Bret Michaels fighting for his life instead of calling him near death, so this does not count as a Not Long 4 This World alert.

According to the internet, Michaels isn't the hard party guy you would expect a glam rock star to be, because he was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes as a kid and he had one scary episode back in the glory days of his band Poison and hasn't been tempted again to get seriously drunk. I do not know if he is a complete teetotaler.

This isn't the best time to quibble, but the things that happened to him recently don't really count as him fighting for his life as much as doctors fighting for his life and him recovering from surgery. Appendectomies and brain hemorrhages are deadly serious to be sure, but it isn't so much about the patient being "a fighter" as it is about getting to a doctor in time and getting a proper diagnosis.

Best wishes to Bret for a speedy and full recovery.

Skeeter Davis Alert:Judgment Day is 9/11/2010

Publication: Sun
Date: 10 May 2010

The Sun actually has two stories on the cover that I can use this week, one Skeeter Davis Alert™ and a rare trip into celebrity gossip for them which I will put on the blog tomorrow.

After their silly fling with completely made up prophet Gordon Elk L'su'k last week, they are going back to the old standby, Judgment Day, and they are sticking to their favorite date, 9/11/2010.

And here I am worrying about my student loans. Silly me.

Skeeter Davis Alert:Judgment Day is 9/11/2010

Publication: Sun
Date: 10 May 2010

The Sun actually has two stories on the cover that I can use this week, one Skeeter Davis Alert™ and a rare trip into celebrity gossip for them which I will put on the blog tomorrow.

After their silly fling with completely made up prophet Gordon Elk L'su'k last week, they are going back to the old standby, Judgment Day, and they are sticking to their favorite date, 9/11/2010.

And here I am worrying about my student loans. Silly me.

Total tabloid fail alert:Sandra is torn as Jesse leaves rehab

Publication: In Touch
Date: 10 May 2010

In Touch has gotten stories right before, most notably they broke the news of Jesse James busy secret life as a man slut. Obviously, they have sources close to Jesse, but as for sources close to Sandra Bullock, not so much. They are the only other checkout rag besides People to have a story about Sandy this week, and it is as clear as rainwater that they got it 100% wrong.

Sandy isn't torn, she's getting on with her life. She's moving to New Orleans and, oh by the way, she's been taking care of an adorable little baby for the past three months.

With all the stories about Sandy and Jesse that have surfaced, and by my count there have been about 40 that mentioned her or him or both of them this year, not one mentioned the baby. Clearly, either the sources near them really weren't that near, or both Sandy and Jesse were completely serious about keeping this secret.

The Kardashian family should call Sandy up and find out where she shops for friends.

Total tabloid fail alert:Sandra is torn as Jesse leaves rehab

Publication: In Touch
Date: 10 May 2010

In Touch has gotten stories right before, most notably they broke the news of Jesse James busy secret life as a man slut. Obviously, they have sources close to Jesse, but as for sources close to Sandra Bullock, not so much. They are the only other checkout rag besides People to have a story about Sandy this week, and it is as clear as rainwater that they got it 100% wrong.

Sandy isn't torn, she's getting on with her life. She's moving to New Orleans and, oh by the way, she's been taking care of an adorable little baby for the past three months.

With all the stories about Sandy and Jesse that have surfaced, and by my count there have been about 40 that mentioned her or him or both of them this year, not one mentioned the baby. Clearly, either the sources near them really weren't that near, or both Sandy and Jesse were completely serious about keeping this secret.

The Kardashian family should call Sandy up and find out where she shops for friends.

Sandra Bullock's adopted son Louis

Publication: People

Date: 10 May 2010

I have often made comments about the trouble supermarket tabloids are in and how their business model works against them. Publishing once a week with a two day lag time between printing and hitting the stands means scoops are very hard to come by.

Okay, now I eat some crow. I like it cooked tandoori style if it's all the same to you.

People and Sandra Bullock conspired brilliantly to release two blockbuster scoops simultaneously. Yes, she will divorce the scumbag Jesse James, and, oh by the way, she adopted a baby from New Orleans named Louis three months ago.

This is the "50 Most Beautiful People" double issue, and usually it would be a great big picture of Julia Roberts or George Clooney or Halle Berry on the cover and no mention of anything like breaking news. But instead it's very happy Sandy holding little Louis, an adorably fat baby who is already working on his totally cool 'tude.

Congratulations to everyone involved. In the space of days, with one picture on the cover of one magazine, Sandra Bullock goes from being a sad victim to a happy and gracious champion once again.

Sandra Bullock's adopted son Louis

Publication: People

Date: 10 May 2010

I have often made comments about the trouble supermarket tabloids are in and how their business model works against them. Publishing once a week with a two day lag time between printing and hitting the stands means scoops are very hard to come by.

Okay, now I eat some crow. I like it cooked tandoori style if it's all the same to you.

People and Sandra Bullock conspired brilliantly to release two blockbuster scoops simultaneously. Yes, she will divorce the scumbag Jesse James, and, oh by the way, she adopted a baby from New Orleans named Louis three months ago.

This is the "50 Most Beautiful People" double issue, and usually it would be a great big picture of Julia Roberts or George Clooney or Halle Berry on the cover and no mention of anything like breaking news. But instead it's very happy Sandy holding little Louis, an adorably fat baby who is already working on his totally cool 'tude.

Congratulations to everyone involved. In the space of days, with one picture on the cover of one magazine, Sandra Bullock goes from being a sad victim to a happy and gracious champion once again.

Demon Drugs Alert: Melanie and Antonio open up about her addiction

Publication: People

Date: 3 May 2010

Technically, the Sandy Bullock and her baby story belongs to the next news cycle, so The Gold Standard gets the last story of this week and the first story of next week. Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith talk about her chemical dependency. It's not like they had to, as this is the first time either of them have been mentioned in the supermarket rags this year.

Best wishes for a full recovery.

Fresh trash tomorrow!

Demon Drugs Alert: Melanie and Antonio open up about her addiction

Publication: People

Date: 3 May 2010

Technically, the Sandy Bullock and her baby story belongs to the next news cycle, so The Gold Standard gets the last story of this week and the first story of next week. Antonio Banderas and Melanie Griffith talk about her chemical dependency. It's not like they had to, as this is the first time either of them have been mentioned in the supermarket rags this year.

Best wishes for a full recovery.

Fresh trash tomorrow!

Late to the Party alert:Liz getting married, even though she's not.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 3 May 2010

The Examiner wins the award for worst tabloid this week by telling trashy and untrue stories about the living and the dead. They decided to tell us the secrets of Liz's next wedding, even though it has been denied.

Sometimes, the Examiner's awfulness is like a shining diamond, but usually, they are just awful.

Case in point, as Rod Serling used to say.

Breaking news:Sandra Bullock announces plans for divorce AND the adoption of a baby

Source: ABC News

Date: 28 Apr. 2010

ABC News reports that Sandra Bullock is going to divorce Jesse James. The couple had planned to adopt a three and a half month old baby born in New Orleans. Ms. Bullock will adopt the child by herself. Sandra also gave the story to People, who give her story almost the entire cover.

Good for the baby. Good for her.

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face:Kate Gosselin is actually self-aware.

Publication: In Touch

Date: 3 May 2010

The tabloid week winds down, and the cover of In Touch magazine presents a side of Kate Gosselin very few stories have shown before.

She is a person with feelings.

She knows she is alone. She fears she will never find someone to love her. Her fellow contestants on Dancing With The Stars called her "Hate Gosselin" and strangers slash her tires. Her children mock her.

I don't watch reality TV. I am not on Team Kate or Team Jon or Team Those Poor Kids. But when I look at people thrown into fame without fortune like the Gosselins or Joe the Plumber, after I feel whatever else I might feel about the way they present themselves, deep down I feel pity for them and a sense of relief that it is them and not me in that miserable situation.

Love Bird Alert™:Reese falling hard for her new guy.

Publication: People

Date: 3 May 2010

The Gold Standard likes happy stories when possible, and their version of a happy story this week is that Reese Witherspoon, who ended her relationship with Jake Gyllenhaal a while back, is now in love. They don't give the name of the guy because he isn't famous. He's an agent at CAA named Jim Toth.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Kourtney Kardashian's bikini body

Publication: In Touch

Date: 3 May 2010

In Touch has been one of the tabloids that trash Kourtney Kardashian and her relationship with Scott Disick, but this week they say the nicest thing that any supermarket rag can say about any celebrity.

She looks good wearing very little clothing.

That is all.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:The diet battles of Dancing With The Stars

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 3 May 2010

Previously, we had a story a story about the diet secrets of Dancing With The Stars, but what fun are secrets when you can have an actual battle? The Flagship thinks that everyone who reads supermarket tabloids will know Nicole and Edyta by their first names alone, but I have no idea who these people are exactly. I'm guessing they are professional dancers on the show and they are both really hot.

Am I close?

Damn You Skinny Alert™:J. Lo's best body yet

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 3 May 2010

Jennifer Lopez has a new movie out, so Us Weekly has a picture of her on the cover, looking very good and Photoshopped to within an inch of her life.

Damn You Fat Alert™:Mariah Carey weighs 200 pounds

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 3 May 2010

According to the Flagship, Mariah Carey now weighs 200 pounds, which they call "deadly", so I am marking this as a Not Long 4 This World Alert. Her height is listed as 5'9", which is a surprise to me. I thought she was a little thing for some reason.

They fought The Law Alert™:Randy Quaid and his wife arrested

Publication: Associated Press

Date: 26 Apr. 2010

Randy Quaid and his wife Evi skipped out on a big hotel bill last year and the case has been ongoing for some time. The couple has now been arrested in Santa Barbara and have been released on $100,000 bail.

He fought The Law Alert™:Tito Ortiz arrested for domestic abuse of Jenna Jameson

Publication: TMZ online

Date: 26 Apr. 2010

Porn star Jenna Jameson called the cops on her boyfriend, UFC fighter Tito Ortiz/ She says it's the first time he's hit her, but she is still pressing charges. Go to TMZ for all the sordid details.

Larry King is a sex freak!

Publication: In Touch

Date: 3 May 2010

Do you now find your eyes burn a little? Reading the headline has been known to have that effect on some people.

As unpleasant as it might be to look at that collection of letters, it was twice as painful to have to type it.

On the rocks update:Larry King's $150 million divorce explodes

Publication: Globe

Date: 3 May 2010

The word "explodes" here is vague, and possibly intentionally so.

If a divorces "explodes", does that mean it's off or it's so on, it's like totally on?

There have been some noises made about re-conciliation in the actual press.

Love Bird Alert™:Prince William and Kate Middleton are so happy

Publication: People

Date: 3 May 2010

Here is an odd commentary on the way of the world in 2010. An attractive young woman is dating the future king, but American tabloids can't just call her "Kate", because people would think, "Prince William is dating Kate Gosselin? What's up with that?"

People gives the majority of their cover to the romance of William and Kate (Middleton) with the sub headlines

• How she won his heart
• How they keep their love alive
• When he'll pop the question

I have not read the story, but I'm going to take a wild guess and say the answers in order are:

• Oral sex
• Oral sex
• Right after oral sex

Just guessing.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Audrina and Heidi no longer BFFs

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 3 May 2010

Us Weekly has the headline The Feud Gets Nasty without giving any names to go with the pictures, as though all Americans will instantly recognize our new royalty Heidi Montag and Audrina Patridge. Personally, I had to go online to find out who Audrina was, and until I started writing this blog this year, I wouldn't have had any idea who Heidi was either.

Okay, so now they are feuding and it's getting nasty. Clearly, this picture is from happier times, when Heidi looked like an attractive young woman and not a blow up doll. Though as somebody's momma used to say, "Girl! You should close that mouth unless you wanna catch flies."

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?Letters from J.F.K.'s secret mistress

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 3 May 2010

The Examiner goes big in the race for Hey Old Timer Gossip by once again exhuming the corpse of John Fitzgerald Kennedy to remind us that he had lots of sex with women he didn't marry. Letters from a secret mistress have been revealed a mere 47 years after the man died.

Let me say this. His daddy may have been a gangster, he may have been from new money, he may not have been the most effective president of the 20th Century, but the man did know how to dress.

Oh, This Is Awkward Alert:Sandy face to face with Bombshell McGee

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 3 May 2010

It's all Sandy on Sunday evening, and at the top of the page is the least believable story of all, that somehow Sandra Bullock (right) and Bombshell McGee (left), the skanky ho that helped to ruin her life, ended up face to face somewhere.

I write "help to ruin" because, of course, it was Jesse James and his unreasonable penis that really ruined her life. To be fair, Sandy decided he was a good bet, so she deserves some of the blame as well.

Though as I see it, Jesse and his penis get over half of the blame cake all to themselves.

On the rocks alert:Sandy is not wearing her wedding ring

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 3 May 2010

Us Weekly reports that Sandra Bullock has been seen in public and she is not wearing a wedding ring. Photos confirm this story.

Love Bird Alert™?:Sandy and Jesse's secret plans to re-unite

Publication: In Touch

Date: 3 May 2010

In Touch definitely counts as one of the nastier of the supermarket rags, so for them, this almost counts as a positive story. After all, people who at least once loved each other are reconciling, and there is a little girl to be considered, who could use a positive female role model instead of the trash daddy usually brings home, with a slurred drunken introduction like "Sunny, this is your Auntie Bombshell. She's gonna be staying with us for a while, awright?"

Seriously, Sandy. Nice guys really aren't all that boring. Sometimes, boring is nice.

Love Bird Alert™:Kim Kardashian and her new man Cristiano Ronaldo

Publications: In Touch, Weekly Life & Style, OK!, Us Weekly

Date: 3 May 2010

Four different supermarket mags this week devote valuable front cover space to the story that Kim Kardashian is romantically linked to Portuguese born soccer superstar Cristiano Ronaldo. Ronaldo spent several years playing for Manchester United and his contract was sold in 2009 to Real Madrid. He is the highest paid footballer in the world, and if I may make a comment as a heterosexual male, he looks awfully damn good without a shirt. Here are the tabloid headlines.

In Touch: Kim's dangerous new man

Weekly Life & Style: Kim's dangerous new love

OK!: Kim's revenge romance

Us Weekly: Kim K.'s hot new fling

For my American readers, let me clarify some things about Cristiano Ronaldo. Not that dangerous. He's a young single man with a lot of money and fame, and the British tabloid press wrote a lot of trash about him when he played for Man U. He doesn't smoke because he's an athlete with a lick of sense. He doesn't drink because his father died young from the effects of alcoholism. If you look at his Wikipedia page, you'll see that no one has taken the time to repeat all the nasty things that have been written about him, and that in Europe, his reputation among the fans has made him a very valuable endorser of products. He is now replacing David Beckham in the Armani ads for underwear. Becks is 34 and Cristiano is 25.

For American sports fans, let me put it in terms easy to understand. Cristiano Ronaldo is not Ben Roethlisberger. He's not even Alex Rodriguez on the bad boy scale. He's probably nearer to the level of Derek Jeter, a good looking guy who is single and rich and enjoying himself.

The Kim-Cristiano romance could just be the work of publicists. On the other hand, if it is the work of mad scientists intent on producing a race of impossibly attractive people, you could do a lot worse than start with these two, 'cos they are Supa Foine!

Bad romance alert:Kim Kardashian's secret marriage

Publication: Star

Date: 3 May 2010

A new category is created for this first Kim Kardashian story of the week, the Bad Romance alert. Kim is all over the tabloid covers this week in stories about her new beau, but Star fills their cover with the details of her bad brief marriage several years ago to record producer Damon Thomas. Among the details on the cover include:

• Jealous rages
• Vicious beatings
• Death threats
• He made her have liposuction

I love that the headline writers saved the worst for last.

In any case, it's a good thing all around that Kim left this grease weasel, not only for her well being but for the tabloid industry in general, because without the Kardashian sisters, the Only Ten Magazines That Matter would have to resort to rehashing the hot mess that is Lindsay Lohan, who has not had a single cover story in the four months of 2010 when this blog has been keeping track.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Angie's showdown with Brad's mom

Publication: In Touch

Date: 3 May 2010

I could cut and paste a picture of Brad Pitt's mom into this, but if you read the tabloids, you know the drill. People have showdowns with Angelina Jolie because she's evil.

And she wins these showdowns. Because she's evil.

Brad Pitt's mom is afraid that Angie has led her lovely lad astray. After all, Brad just turned 46 last December and he is clearly at that impressionable age when a temptress can pull him from the straight and narrow path.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:BrAngelina to wed for the kids

Publication: OK!

Date: 3 May 2010

There have been a lot of stories about Angelina Jolie over the past few weeks, but very about Brad and Angie as a couple. OK!, the supermarket rag with the most positive spin, says that the happy couple is going to get married for the sake of their 578 kids, or whatever the number is as of last evening.

She fought the law alert™:Sarah Palin murder scandal

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 3 May 2010

Sarah Palin has clearly made the big time. The Examiner regularly assumes their readers hate major politicians, usually presidents or ex-presidents, is dishing dirt on the IQuit-arod champ. If we are to believe them, she's involved in a murder scandal.

Let me be clear. I have no love in my heart for Sarah Palin. But if there were anything to this, there are about a jillion news organizations that would be all over this story like ugly on a snake. If something this bad happens in her life, it's more likely to be in Newsweek or the Washington Post than it is to be in the Examiner, one of the three least reliable supermarket rags along with the Sun and the Globe.

He Fought The Law Alert™:John Edwards DUI Cover Up

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 3 May 2010

Do you hate John Edwards enough yet? The Flagship thinks not.

According to the Enquirer, John Edwards was involved in a DUI and he lied to the cops about it. Clearly, Edwards pissed in the punch bowl of someone at the Enquirer, and they want him to go to jail.

Personally, I want to see Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld spend the rest of their lives in some comfy cell in Europe as international war criminals, but we can't always get what we want, now can we?

Breaking news:Bret Michaels hospitalized

Publication: Associated Press

Date: Apr. 23 2010

Bret Michaels, leader singer of the rock band Poison, is in critical condition following a massive brain hemorrhage. Last week, he was in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. He was diagnosed with Type I diabetes when he was six.

Best wishes to Mr. Michaels on a full recovery.

Skeeter Davis Alert™:The prophet Gordon Elk L'su'k speaks from an empty grave.

Publication: Sun

Date: 3 May 2010

If I were a megalomaniac, I would think the Sun set up their front page with the intent purpose of making me break my vows not to read the inside. The headline said they had the exact dates of The End Times and the Resurrection in this week's prophecy story.

Like a sap, I picked up the magazine, read it and took notes. Here are the highlights.

• 3/10/2011: Cities will be ravaged by chemical and biological attacks.
• 4/27/2011: The final battle will take place.
• November 2011: The Wise Resurrected Leader will return to rule the world.

Okay! This is news that you can use! The prophet they are quoting is the great Mimac sage Gordon Elk L'su'k, who was assassinated in 1847. Among his other great visions is the foretelling of the presidency of Barack Hussein Obama. Impressive!

Except that the Mimac tribe is the Micmac tribe, native to Maine and eastern Canada, and there is no record of a Gordon Elk L'su'k that Google, Bing or Ask.com can find, which in my book means the guy was never born.

Usually, the Sun will quote (or misquote) Nostradamus or Edgar Cayce or the Lady of Fatima for their prophecies, but now instead of just making up prophecies, they are making up prophets.

Just when you thought the bar couldn't get lower, the limbo dance continues.

You So Crazy Alert™:Oprah did a lot of crazy shit.

Publication: Globe

Date: 3 May 2010

The tell all biography of Oprah is out and the tabs are leaking teasers. The ones that made the cover of the Globe this week are:

• Oprah had a gay crush on Diane Sawyer, and the blonde bimbo went and married Mike Nichols. Bad financial decision on Diane's part.
• Oprah was a teenage hooker.
• Oprah was crazy for the Bolivian Marching Powder back in the day.

Believe what you want of this Kitty Kelley crap. I find her as reliable as the tabloids.

On the rocks alert:Drugs, Spies and a Sex Tape for TomKat

Publication: Star magazine

Date: 3 May 2010

The stories in the Star and the Enquirer may be from the same source. Remember that Katie discovered Tom's secret life in the other story, so that may have involved the spies. But the other story said he's gay and this one says there's drugs and a sex tape.

Could she be the drugged out slut? It could be, but I'd have to buy the magazine and read it to find out for sure, and I'm just not that interested.

On the rocks alert with a side of Hairdresser:Tom confesses to Katie

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 3 May 2010

When I started this blog, I was of the opinion that the tabloids were always predicting the break-up of BrAngelina and TomKat. This week marks the first two On The Rocks Alerts this year for Tom and Katie.

The Flagship says that Katie Holmes has discovered Tom's secret life, and that when confronted with her discovery, he has confessed to a male lover and to drug use.

Honestly, I'm relieved it's just sex and drugs. There could have been rock 'n' roll as well. Tom Cruise rocking out would be just too much to bear.