On the rocks alert: Obamas' secret split.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

Ever since Clinton, the gossip rags have loved writing that the presidential marriage is in trouble, especially the Globe and the low rent Examiner. This week, Michelle has had enough and she is now living a life apart from Barack Hussein Lothario Obama.

The low rent Examiner and the Sun are the only two of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter that don't have online versions. This is because both are made on the cheap. Still, we are supposed to believe the low rent Examiner is able to dig up scoops on two of the best protected people on the planet.

The Sun only expects us to believe in the End of the World about six times a year and there's a Bat Boy who was found in a cave.

Meanest story nominee: Michelle storms out!

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 July 2011

If we were to accept the word from the AMI kennel, Michelle Obama is constantly in a raging bad mood, the American equivalent of Camilla Parker-Bowles. Here are the headlines.

• Hates life in the White House
• Shocking fights with Prez
  

On their website, they add the detail that she is moving out and taking the girls back to Chicago with her.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Good Dad Alert™: President Obama on being a good father.

Publication: People
Date: 20 June 2011

Father's Day is next weekend, but People decided to put a cover story about Barack Hussein Huxtable Obama's tenure as a good father.

Whatever anyone thinks of him politically, I think his record as a father so far is exemplary, thank you very much. Some might say his girls are too young to get into trouble and I might concede that point.

I might, but look at how old the Palin girls are and they are already showing signs of being white hot messes.

I wish the president and his family a very happy Father's Day next Sunday and hope with all my heart that this is the last time his girls get mentioned in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter until they graduate high school, graduate college, get married and have babies, hopefully in that order.

News you can use from the presidential book of secrets.

Publication: Sun
Date: 30 May 2011

The idea that there is a Presidential Book of Secrets is a popular conspiracy theory like Area 51, fueled by popular movies and such. The standard idea is that it has the information the United States is still keeping secret after decades or possibly centuries, but the Sun has decided it contains prophecies about the future as well.

Hey, it's fiction, Knock yourselves out.

The three secrets they share on the cover are:

• CIA says Bin Laden still alive
• When more jobs are heading your way
• How U.S. government dodges World War III

As you can see, this is a pretty magical book. I'd usually ignore this because it doesn't give anything specific in terms of dates, but it continues the rumor that Bin Laden is still alive, so I included it.

Prince Charles apologizes to Obama for wedding snub.

Publication: Globe
Date: 23 May 2011

Prince Charles visited the White House last week, that much is true. The Globe says he apologized to Barack Hussein Obama for the snub of not being invited to the big wedding.

Meanest story nominee: Michelle in a rage over Barack's other women.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 23 May 2011

Stories that the president is cheating on the First Lady has been popular in the AMI kennel for some time now. Of course, it was true when Clinton was in office, but the Three Wicked Step Sisters also told similar stories about George W. Bush and now Barack Hussein Playa Obama. Instead of giving direct evidence of infidelity, the low rent Examiner tells us that scary Michelle is even scarier than usual.

This is a Meanest Story of the Week nominee.

Meanest Story nominee: Obama birth certificate is a fake!

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

Now begins the "afterbirther" era, and the Globe wants to be in the forefront. The long form birth certificate released last week is a FAKE! Here are the sub-headlines.

• File number is fake
• Inside: five more signs of fraud
• Trump: what else is president hiding?

So the Globe is hoping to take the money of the small minority of people who just can't believe a black man can be president except by fraud and subterfuge. As the comedian Ron White likes to remind us, "You can't fix stupid."

The is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Weekly World News alert: Guess who Barack Hussein Aloha Obama is related to?

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 9 May 2011

The Sun has a prediction this week, but no dates on the cover, so I'm only reporting on what the Weekly World News has to say. According to them, the Only President We've Got is related to...

Sarah Palin, the queen of the I-Quit-arod.

Not an actual laugh, but I did smile.

Birther Crap: Obama's meltdown over Trump as birth certificate scandal explodes!

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

It's hard to be in the Top Tem most popular celebrities if you are only going to get mentioned in the five tabloids in the AMI kennel, the Enquirer, Globe, Star, Sun and the low rent Examiner, but there is one person in both the all time Top Ten and the 2011 Top Ten who can make that claim.

Barack Hussein Elvis Obama.

This week it's the Globe saying the First Black President is going nuts over the attack from Donald Trump, even though in public, Obama seems pretty cool about it and Trump is the one getting all defensive.

The subheadline reads "Prez terrified of what 'The Donald' has uncovered!"


In reality and behind closed doors, I think Obama is quoting Mayor Clarence Royce of The Wire and his immortal line:

"I get to run against the white boy? Oh, Jesus, please!"

He Fought The Law Alert™: Obama's best pal charged in hooker scandal!

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 April 2011

Three stories this week make it look like the dogs from the AMI kennel really want to get thick fingered vulgarian Donald Trump elected president, and all of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids are involved. The Globe prints a story that is actually true, which for these three publications is a refreshing change. Robert Titcomb, a friend of Barack Hussein Huggy Bear Obama since high school, was charged with trying to hire a hooker in Hawaii.

Birther Crap: Donald Trump demands to see Obama's birth certificate.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 April 2011

There are two stories about thick fingered vulgarian Donald Trump in the tabloids published by the AMI kennel this week, and it makes it look like they want him to be the next president. The Enquirer publishes some completely fabricated bullshit about his "tough childhood", while the low rent Examiner gets on the birther bandwagon and prints Trump's demands to see Barack Hussein Tommy Flanagan Obama's real birth certificate.

The sub-headline asks "Does it say the word Muslim?"

Currently, Trump is riding high in the polls for the Republican nomination, and I have a very hard time seeing this guy succeeding if he actually had to campaign, largely because he's an ugly, fat, old abrasive asshole with less than zero charm and a punchline for a haircut, his only asset being that he's a celebrity from TV.

And then my ever helpful brain gives me two examples.

Governor Jesse Ventura.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Yes, Americans are this stupid. Whether they are "Trump for President" levels of stupid, only time will tell.

Least interesting cover story of the week: Donald Trump doubts Obama was born in the U.S.A.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 April 2011

Thick fingered vulgarian Donald Trump shows that he's serious about the Republican nomination for the presidency by hopping aboard the high speed rail to Crazy Town and showing himself to be a birther. This is yet another Globe headline without any picture and so it gets no picture from me and the label Least Interesting Story of the Week.

Actually, any story about Donald Trump that doesn't include a picture is a blessing, isn't it?

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kennedys beg Hillary to run against Obama.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 28 March 2011

Welcome back to gossip hell, Hillary Clinton! For the gossip rags over the past 15 months, Hillary has been the least interesting Clinton, and she's like, you know, the one who actually has an important job in government, but the AMI rags would rather tell you her husband is dying or her daughter is married to a guy going through a breakdown.

In any case, this week the low rent Examiner says that some unnamed cabal of Kennedys are begging her to run against Obama in 2012.

Fun fact: Did you know the 2010 elections marked the first time there were no Kennedys in office since I was a kid?

Meanest Story nominee: Obama's gay lover attempts suicide

Publication: Globe
Date: 28 March 2011

The Globe, hoping to tap into the regressive backlash in the country today, tells us Larry Sinclair, a man who claims he did drugs and had gay sex with Barack Hussein Rock Hudson Obama back in the day, has attempted suicide.

This story gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Obama furious over royal snub!

Publication: Globe
Date: 14 March 2011

Let's start with the facts. Neither Barack or Michelle Obama has been invited to the royal wedding this spring. When Chuck and Di got hitched, Nancy Reagan was in attendance.

Now we get to the story in the Globe. Barack Hussein Ike Turner Obama is outraged by the snub and the Globe gives us the quote "You've insulted America!" They also promise to tell us who banned the Obamas from the ceremony and the shocking reason why.

Clearly, someone is prejudiced against Kenyan Muslim socialists.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

What Michelle is hiding from America!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 7 March 2011

The low rent Examiner once again lets us in that Michelle Obama is hiding stuff, big scary stuff that could bring her husband's presidency crumbling down.

That's because they are scary!!!

You know, because they're... colored.

You may think that phrase is out of date, but given the Old Timers who read the low rent Examiner, I wouldn't be surprised if their average reader still uses that word.

Meanest Story nominee:Obama hooked on pills!

Publication: Globe
Date: 21 February 2011

Plenty of mean stories this week, some of them new, some of them re-hashed. This one is certainly new, as one of the Three Wicked Step Sisters takes a whole new tack in their attacks on Barack Hussein Cobain Obama. Besides being a Muslim Communist Kenyan, now he's also a hophead.

According to the Globe, the undeserving usurper who only got twice as many electoral votes as his rival is now hooked on pills. He is abusing some unnamed "coke-like" stimulant which leaves him depressed and confused. It is also the reason for his shocking weight loss.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Birther Crap:Why don't you idiots buy the Examiner, dammit!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 14 February 2011

Sales of supermarket rags are shrinking. The Enquirer ruled the roost 25 to 30 years ago, but now the entire AMI kennel takes a back seat to People. Could it be that America is running out of fools?

Most signs point to no, we are not running out of fools, but we are running out of the kinds of fools who buy the checkout counter mags. Obviously, the gossip rags need to tap into a new pool of fools to keep their business going. Mainly the Globe and now the low rent Examiner hope the birther crowd will be that new pool.

The low rent Examiner states correctly that Hawaii's governor has not put his hands on the long form of Barack Hussein Mephisto Obama's birth certificate, but then they take that extra step into the crazy by saying they have found his birth certificate from Africa. I was thinking about putting this in the running for Meanest Story of the Week, but it's hard to think of this as news when this is the seventh birther crap story since the middle of last year, and the story has drifted down the food chain from the Globe to the low rent Examiner.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Obama loses 30 pounds worrying about birthplace cover-up!

Publication: Globe
Date: 24 January 2011

If we are to believe the Globe, and that's asking a lot, Barack Hussein MacBeth Obama is being literally consumed by the dark secrets of his past. He has lost 30 pounds worrying that the cover-up of his true birthplace, according to a story on the cover this week.

Of course I think the birther crap is ... well, crap, but I also have a hard time believing that skinny guy could lose 30 pounds and not look like a skeleton.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Prince William snubs Obamas!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 January 2011

According to the Globe, Prince William has banned the President and First Lady from the royal wedding, and Michelle in particular is furious.

For a historical perspective, Nancy Reagan attended the last royal wedding, but the President stayed home.