Meanest story nominee: Miss Doris Day's dying wish!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 11 July 2011

The season has recently changed so it must be time for our quarterly "Doris Day is dying!" alert. The Globe had three of these stories last year and now the low rent Examiner publishes its second this year. (Once this year, Miss Day was comforting a dying James Garner instead of dying herself.) They add the detail that there is a tragic secret she is keeping from her fans.

In terms of repeated warnings, Miss Doris Day is far behind the treatment the vultures of the gutter press gave Miss Elizabeth Taylor, but slightly ahead of the number of times we've been told Billy Graham is soon to meet his maker.

Best wishes to Miss Day, her family, friends and pets.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Five MORE celebs get the Sad Last Days treatment.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

The low rent Examiner had their usual big cover page to fill and their typical lack of actual reporters to find stories, so they just picked five names of celebrities who have been famous a very long time and report to us that they are on their last legs. Four of these actors are new to the Brave Last Days treatment, one is a repeat customer.

New to the list is Maureen O'Hara, still the gold standard when it comes to red-headed fabulosity in Hollywood.


Also new is Peter Falk.

UPDATE: Peter Falk died a week after this story appeared on Friday, June 24, 2011.


Jack Klugman hasn't looked or sounded very good for a while, but he's still with us.


Angela Lansbury has been mentioned in the tabs over the past two years, but this is the first report of her imminent demise.


And last on the list is James Garner. This is the third time the tabloids have said he was gonna die in the past two years, the first time back in May of 2010.

Best wishes to all the stars, their family and friends, from a fan.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee: Billy Graham goes home to die.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 6 June 2011

The low rent Examiner tries to kill off evangelist Billy Graham one more time. The 92 year old preacher was hospitalized this month, but he recovered and was sent home. The most despicable and desperate gossip rag says it was only done so he could die in the comfort of his home and he will die "within weeks".

It should be noted that the low rent Examiner had Graham's "final wish" back in May 2010 and his final message to America back just before Christmas. Usually, I would think a recently hospitalized 92 year old probably is getting close to the end, but when you realize he is both young and in better condition than Zsa Zsa Gabor.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Brave Last Days Alert:Bob Barker one more time.

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 May 2011

The Globe and the low rent Examiner have been trying to kill off Bob Barker since last September. Here are the latest headlines.

• Tearful Bob Barker's Sad Last Days!
• 'Price Is Right' legend, 87, in new medical drama

Best wishes to Bob Barker, his family and friends.

Brave Last Days Alert and Meanest Story nominee: Larry Fortensky brain damaged and dying!

Publication: Globe
Date: 9 May 2011

The Globe isn't quite through with Miss Elizabeth Taylor just yet. They put a story on the cover that her last husband, construction worker Larry Fortensky, is brain damaged and dying, and that Liz left him $1,000,000 in her will.

Best wishes to Mr. Fortensky. This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Brave Last Days Alert: the low rent Examiner tells us about a bunch of country stars.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 2 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The low rent Examiner goes all fire sale with a Brave Last Days cover story about country and western music stars. Yes, everyone must go, eventually at least. Among the people they pick for the reaper are Jerry Lee Lewis, who has been mentioned before, and newcomers Roy Clark, George Jones, Donna Fargo and...

(wait for it!)

Miss Kitty Wells!

You could knock me down with a feather. I had no idea Miss Kitty was still with us. All those things I said about Miss Loretta Lynn being the last great star of country music, well... I was just talking out of my hat, so to speak.

Best wishes to all the people mentioned, all their families and all their friends, but most of all, best wishes to Miss Kitty Wells, still the Queen of Country Music.

Brave Last Days Alert: Doris Day comforts dying James Garner.

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 April 2011

I haven't been able to find a copy of the low rent Examiner in Oakland this week, so if we want to hear about stars from the 1960s on their last legs, we'll just have to do with the Globe. According to this Wicked Step Sister, Doris Day has reached out to comfort her co-star from Move Over, Darling and The Thrill of it All, since they say he is going to die soon.

The Globe had a Brave Last Days alert for Mr. Garner back in May 2010. Ms. Day has been slated for death three times in 2010 by the Globe and once this year by the low rent Examiner.

Best wishes to all involved.

Meanest story nominee: Dick Van Dyke's Sad Last Days

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 4 April 2011

Here's a quick checklist.

1. Did you star on an American TV show during the 1960s?
2. Were you an adult at the time?
3. Are you still alive?

If you answered "yes" to all three questions, then the low rent Examiner (or possibly the Globe) would like you to know you will not be answering yes to question #3 for very much longer.

Dick Van Dyke gets introduced to the Brave Last Days list, a list that currently has the names of sixty three people who are still alive while the correct predictions since the beginning of 2010 now stand at eight since the passing of Miss Elizabeth Taylor.

Best wishes to Mr. Van Dyke, his family and friends, from a fan.

This is a Meanest Story nominee.

Brave Last Days Alert: Nancy Reagan dying of a broken heart.

Publication: Globe
Date: 21 March 2011

The Globe and the low rent Examiner have been going over the whole idea of a feud in the Reagan family again and again this year, and the Globe repeats last week's story from the low rent Examiner that the family squabble is actually killing Nancy Reagan.

These magazines love to tell us old ladies are dying, but I feel duty bound to say that for every person who's gotten the Brave Last Days treatment since the beginning of 2010 who has actually died, there are nine people on the list who are still alive.

Best wishes to Nancy Reagan, her family and friends.

Brave Last Days Alert:Dying Liz's Final Prayer

Publication: Globe
Date: 14 March 2011

Two months ago, the Globe said Miss Elizabeth Taylor was "tragic" and had a "last wish". Now, she is "dying" and has a "final prayer".

This is the fourth straight week for Miss Taylor on the covers of the Three Wicked Step Sisters, and every story sounds like there's a good chance she will be dead before the magazines are shipped from the presses in Florida. She is still alive. They aren't making up that she has health problems and she is 79 years old, but for those keeping track, Zsa Zsa Gabor is fifteen years older, was found unconscious in a pool of blood last August after breaking her hip, had a leg amputated after an infection, was hospitalized with a second infection after the amputation, shows signs of a possible stroke and is still here some seven months later. If someone has the cash and wants to stay alive, modern medicine is more than happy to oblige.

As always, this blog sends best wishes to Miss Taylor, her family and friends, from a fan.

Meanest Story nominee: Five celebs get the Sad Last Days treatment.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 14 March 2011

In late January 2010, the low rent Examiner had a Sad Last Days round-up of celebrities, naming four people they said were on their last legs. In general, the vultures of the gutter press are terrible at predictions of who will die and when, but last year's list was Dennis Hopper, Rue McLanahan, Barbara Billingsley and Dick Clark. Of that list, only Dick Clark survived to see 2011, which means they got three out of four, much better than the general prediction rate which stands at about one in ten.

This year's list has five people, three who have been marked for death earlier by the tabloids and two new names. Once again, they pick on Bob Barker, Miss Doris Day and Miss Elizabeth Taylor.

New to the death watch list is former First Lady Nancy Reagan.

Also added to the tabloid tontine is star of Gunsmoke James Arness.

Best wishes to the all the people mentioned, their family and friends.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

UPDATE: Miss Elizabeth Taylor died on March 23, 2011.

UPDATE: James Arness died on June 3, 2011.

Brave Last Days Alert: The Enquirer and Globe gang up on Liz Taylor

Publications: National Enquirer, Globe
Date: 28 February 2011

Last week, the Enquirer had a big bold headline saying it was THE END for Miss Elizabeth Taylor. As often happens, the Flagship jumps the gun on this stuff a lot. The real news is that she was diagnosed with congestive heart disease several years ago, she recently entered the hospital in Los Angeles, and while the stay in the hospital is continuing, her doctors say the health of the film legend is steadily improving.

This of course does not stop the Wicked Step Sister tabloids from continuing to shovel dirt on her.

• National Enquirer: Liz: Secret heart operation
• Globe: Dying Liz's last birthday party before being rushed to the hospital with heart failure

Because the Globe put the phrase "last birthday party" in the headline, this counts as an Expiration Date, since they do not expect her to see her birthday in February of next year.

I have no inside information, as usual, but I for one would not bet money against Miss Elizabeth Taylor. Not only is she one of the last living legends in Hollywood and an incomparable beauty, deep down were it really counts, Miss Elizabeth is a tough old bird.

Best wishes as always to Miss Elizabeth Taylor, her friends and family, from a fan.

UPDATE: Miss Elizabeth Taylor died on March 23, 2011, so the prediction that this was her last birthday party is the first correct Expiration Date of 2010-2011. The Enquirer got a lot of credit for saying Michael Jackson had six months to live, but they make these kinds of predictions frequently and almost always get them wrong.

Meanest Story nominee: Steve Jobs has six weeks to live.

(photo nicked from Gizmodo.com)
Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 February 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Steve Jobs! A few weeks back, the face of Apple computer since its inception stated he would take some time off to address a health concern. The Flagship decided to tell us this week he shouldn't fill out a March Madness bracket because he won't be around to watch the Final Four play.

Here are the facts I've been able to find wandering around the Internet. Jobs was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in 2003 but it was operable and it's gone. In 2009, he had a liver transplant. That's a lot of serious health problems for a guy who is my age, but obviously he can afford the best health care in the world.

Not every Brave Last Days story gets nominated for Meanest Story of the Week, but when they have Expiration Dates as well, the nomination is pretty much sewn up.

Best wishes to Steve Jobs, his family and friends, from a guy writing a blog on a Mac Mini.

Meanest Story nominee: Elizabeth Taylor THE END

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 21 February 2011

In what shapes up into a very mean week in the supermarket rags, the National Enquirer gets a nomination for taking a Brave Last Days Alert to Defcon 12 for Elizabeth Taylor. The details on the cover include:

• Stroke agony
• Down to 98 lbs.
• On Oxygen
• Tragic new photo

It's without question that she doesn't look good and hasn't for a while. But I chose the picture above to remind folks, especially the young people, that she was one of the prettiest child stars of all time and she turned into one of the most beautiful actresses in Hollywood.

And she was way ahead of the curve on the "I lubs teh kittehs" craze.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee:Zsa Zsa's Brave Last Goodbye.

Publication: Globe
Date: 21 February 2011

Not every death prediction rises to a Meanest Story nomination, but there are two this week that make it sound like the people mentioned will be dead before the ink dries on the tabloid reporting the story. The Globe tells us that this is Zsa Zsa Gabor's Brave Last Goodbye.

The story is based on actual news in the legitimate press. Zsa Zsa has returned to the hospital after her leg amputation showed signs of infection and she has been unresponsive, but the news also looked bad when she was first hospitalized way back in August.

What we have seen is this old bird is tougher than a two dollar steak.

This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Meanest Story nominee:Regis Philbin dying!

Publication: Globe
Date: 7 February 2011

A couple weeks ago, the Globe got their first story right in quite a spell when Regis Philbin announced his retirement about a month after the Globe had said he would retire. Since they are on a roll, the Middle Wicked Step Sister tabloid decided this week to up their bet and tell us Regis, who will turn 80 in August, is dying.

Best wishes to Regis Philbin, his family and friends.

Meanest Story nominee:Aretha's $180,000 farewell party

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 27 January 2011

Every story so far about Miss Aretha Franklin since the announcement of her diagnosis with cancer has been in the Enquirer, and in all of them, the writers at that rag are trying to kill her off. So now, if she throws a party, it's a farewell party according to the Flagship.

The vultures over at the Enquirer have finally worn down my last good nerve on this one, the Queen of Soul will now be referred to as Miss Aretha Franklin on this blog, which means I am not interested in anything bad said about her. This also gets a nomination as Meanest Story of the Week.

Brave Last Days Alert:Tragic Liz's Last Wish

Publication: Globe
Date: 17 January 2010

Once again, the Globe reminds us that Elizabeth Taylor is near death's door. I did not make this a Meanest Story nominee because of a Boy Who Cried Wolf situation. This counts as the fourth Brave Last Days alert for Liz in the past twelve months, and there have been such reports in the gossip rags off and on since she fell ill when Butterfield 8 was in the movie theaters in 1960.

No matter how big a star is, and Liz was one of the biggest, it's hard to hold a candlelight vigil for fifty one years.

Just sayin'.

Co-Meanest Story of the Week:Aretha collapses after losing 80 lbs.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 January 2011

This week, I put up five nominees for Meanest Story from five different gossip rags. The popular vote winner was a story from the Enquirer about John Travolta deserting his family. There was another story on the cover of The Flagship every bit as mean if not meaner, and I decided to invoke the "it's my blog" rule and make it Co-Meanest Story of the Week.

The Enquirer tells us that Aretha Franklin has collapsed after losing 80 pounds and a minister was called in. Obviously, Aretha is getting the full tabloid vulture treatment now and I really hate it. It's not a rumor she had pancreatic cancer, it's a fact. But either the Enquirer is making up details of her life out of whole cloth or she has somebody close to her who is selling her out for a few measly bucks at the most difficult time of her life.

Either way, it deserves to be a Meanest Story.

40 Biggest scandals and shockers of 2010

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 December 2010

When December rolls around, many publications do a year end review, and the Globe is the first of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter to do one in 2010. The kinds of scandals and shockers they promise inside include:

• suicide
• cheating
• gay secrets
• murder
• medical dramas

The pictures that go along with these headlines are Jonbenet Ramsey, Bill Clinton, Oprah Winfrey, Prince Charles, Marie Osmond, Penny Marshall and Gary Coleman. I'll let you play the match-up game yourself, but be careful! There are people on this list who probably get mentioned in more than one category.