Meanest story nominee: New tell-all book rips into Mister Tony Bennett.

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 July 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, Mister Tony Bennett! The singer, painter and national treasure, who will turn 85 next month, has his name dragged through the mud by the Globe. They write about a new "tell-all book" that details Mister Bennett's ties to the mob, his drug use and cheating.

I have made a new label, Call Him Mister, especially for this story. Many ladies have gotten the "Call Her Miss" treatment on this blog, wonderful stars who have been around long enough they should be off limits to the garbage peddlers of the supermarket checkout rags. Mister Bennett is the first of his gender to get similar treatment here.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Love Bird Alert™:Charlize and Ryan secretly dating

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! There are two different stories about Ryan Reynold this week in the supermarket rags, and I think these aren't planted crap hoping to boost the box office of Green Lantern, which is now a month old and about to slip out of the top ten. No, the gossip rags have decided to turn Mr. Reynolds into a man slut along the lines of Gerard Butler.

Welcome to gossip hell, Charlize Theron! Us Weekly tells us that Ryan is secretly dating the South African born beauty. This is her first mention on the cover of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter in two years. In the post just below this one, Weekly Life & Style says Reynolds is trying to get back with his ex Scarlett Johansson.

This is classic man slut behavior, or more likely, a classic example of the gossip rags trying to turn a guy into a man slut. It's a pretty good bet when two stories like this appear in the same week, there are going to be more on the way.

Love Bird Alert™:Scarlett & Ryan back on!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 25 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Ryan Reynolds is not a big movie star yet. His name above the title is not a promise of ticket sales. But the supermarket rags are fascinated with love life, so he is one of the biggest male gossip stars. Weekly Life & Style says he and ex-wife Scarlett Johannson are giving it another shot, at least for the time being.

This story is contradicted by another story this week.

Least interesting cover story of the week: Hollywood divorce lawyers tell all!

Publication: Star
Date: 18 July 2011

The cover of the Star is dominated by three divorce stories mentioned in the post just above this one, but they also have a teaser for another story about Hollywood divorce lawyers spilling their secrets about other clients. There is no artwork with this story because it's a "Guess who?" kind of deal. Here are the headlines.

• Cross-Dressing!
• Caught with the Nanny!
• Murder by Hit Man
• & more shocking secrets!
  

Scoop of the week: Chris Hansen of To Catch A Predator caught cheating on videotape

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 11 July 2011

Chris Hansen, the guy from To Catch A Predator who videotapes men coming into homes with the hope of sweet talking some underaged girl into bed, has been caught on videotape sweet talking a woman past age of consent, but said woman is not his wife. Unlike most stories in the supermarket rags, this one has gained traction quickly in the mainstream press and qualifies as Scoop of the Week.

Man Slut Alert: More on the Arnold unpleasantness.

Publications: Globe, National Enquirer
Date: 27 June 2011

The only magazines currently still interested in Arnold Schwarzenegger's cheating ass are the Enquirer and the Globe, so as you can imagine, there isn't a whole lot of forgiveness in the stories. Here are the headlines.

• National Enquirer: Arnold's mistress breaks her silence
  Secret about their love child
  Her confession to Maria "I cried and dropped to my knees!"
• Globe: Cheating Arnold begs Maria: Take me back!
  She tells him: Go to hell!

The Enquirer has a picture of Mildred Baena and her son Joseph.

Man Slut Alert: Bill Clinton caught with lingerie model.

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 June 2011

The Globe publishes a picture of Bill Clinton sitting next to a woman at what appears to be a conference and then a picture of her modeling lingerie, though it may not be a recent picture.

I guess if I had the choice of being portrayed as a walking corpse or a horn dog, I'd take the latter. Since his hospitalization early last year, there have been about twice as many stories about him being near death as there have been stories about him being near some honey who isn't his wife.

Jane Seymour says Arnold has two more love children.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 June 2011

In what may be the lowest blow yet delivered, the chronicling of Arnold Schwarzenegger's scumbaggery has now migrated to the low rent Examiner, who says the former California governor has two more love children.

Who is the source of this unconfirmed but not ultra surprising news?

Welcome to gossip hell, Jane Seymour! How would the actress and jewelry designer know about Arnold's private life?

I have no friggin' idea. They have never been in a single project together. She is a reliable source only if we accept the idea that all famous people know each other.

On the rocks alert: More on the Arnold and Maria split.

Publication: People
Date: 30 May 2011

Because we now know more about the story, the gossip rags have not yet let go of the story of Arnold and Maria and the love child born over 10 years ago. Here is what People put on the cover.

• Arnold admits to love child
  Maria's Broken Heart
  Inside their split
  How a 10-year old secret destroyed the marriage of Maria Shriver and Arnold Schwarzenegger.
  'This is a painful time.' says Shriver

On the rocks alert: Dog shit from the AMI kennel about Arnold Schwarzenegger and Gigi Goyette.

Publications: National Enquirer, Star
Date: 30 May 2011

There is an actual news story going on about Arnold Schwarzenegger and his wife Maria Shriver being separated, and it looks like it's heading toward divorce. Real news organizations are focusing on the fact a woman came forward as the mother of a love child of Schwarzenegger's over a decade ago.

This gives the AMI kennel a chance to drag out a story they have had for years, allegations from a woman named Gigi Jeffers Goyette that she was Arnold's mistress for year and that he first had sex with her back in the 1970s when she was 16, so it would count as statutory rape in California. AMI paid her $20,000 hush money back in 2005, but now they want her to blab. She has also hired Gloria Allred, a move that just screams credibility. Here are the headlines about this nonsense.

• National Enquirer: Arnold's mistress tells all
• Star: Arnold cheated while Maria stayed in same hotel
  other woman tells all

What this woman has to say may or may not be true, but it's not the story that broke up the marriage.

Breaking news: Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with a woman from his household staff.

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 17 May 2011

Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to fathering the child of a woman who worked on his household staff. This incident of infidelity happened before he took office as governor.

Love Bird Alert™: Justin and Olivia's sexy date!

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 18 April 2011

Remember when Justin Timberlake was romantically involved with Mila Kunis? Well, that was a whole month ago.

Now it's Justin and Olivia's sexy date.

Olivia Munn from The Attack of the Show? You have a good memory, but that was last November.

Welcome to gossip hell, Olivia Wilde! The actress from House M.D. and Tron:Legacy is pretty hot right now, and so is her career, so it only makes sense that she steps up into the big leagues of man slut dating.

But get tested, honey. You never know where Justin's timber has been.

(Not really a) Man Slut alert: Brad Pitt in nude scene scandal!

Publication: Star
Date: 18 April 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! As I have noted before, BrAngelina don't have to do anything newsworthy to get on the cover of a gossip rag. They just have to exist.

This week's much ado about nothing is a nude scene in a movie Brad is currently shooting. As the Star so succinctly puts it "He's 47... She's 23!"

Sorry, Star. He's Brad Pitt and she's... just who is she again?

Welcome to gossip hell, Bella Heathcote! She's an Aussie with a teeny tiny list of appearances on imdb.com, but now she's playing opposite Brad Pitt and there's a nude scene. According to Star, Angie flew in to put the jinx on any shenanigans and just to make sure, she left the kids with Brad.

There's a woman who knows the key to a long and successful marriage. If someone is going to flee the nest, they have to take the kids with them.

Meanest Story nominee: Sarah Palin's worst nightmare... Todd's love child!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 11 April 2011

Last January, the Enquirer went with a story from an Alaskan massage therapist that she slept with Todd Palin. The story failed to gain much traction, but the Enquirer is nothing if not persistent. They now says that Sarah Plain's worst nightmare would be Todd fathering a child out of wedlock.

The headline is kind of vague and they don't promise pictures of the alleged child or mom, so I expect the story is just more Enquirer bullshit. This gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

Love Bird Alert: Jessica's revenge romance

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 April 2011

Last week, the supermarket rags were all over Justin Timberlake-Jessica Biel split, mainly focusing on man slut Justin. This week, only one story and it concerns Ms. Biel's romantic future. (I will call her Ms. Biel because there are way too many Jessicas in the gossip universe. It's like the distaff version of Ryan.)

Welcome back to gossip hell, Gerard Butler! He was one of 2010's most popular man sluts early in the year, romantically linked to both Jennifer Aniston and Reese Witherspoon, but it's been nearly a year since he has been mentioned.

There are two major categories of man sluts in the supermarket rags, though they do not mention it directly. There are the honest to God male breeders who can't keep it in their pants, like Justin Timberlake and John Mayer. Then there are the guys who I'm not so sure about, who might be getting these "links" to some serious honeyage to disguise the fact that they play for the other team. Until I see strong evidence to the contrary, Gerard Butler is in Category II.

I mean, really. 300 and Phantom of the Opera? That's a whole lotta gay for a straight guy to be in. The question cannot be ignored.

On the rocks alert: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are no longer a couple.

Publications: People, Us Weekly, OK!
Date: 28 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The break-up of Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel is a done deal, and it produced six headlines on five different magazines with three different slants this week, so I'm writing three different posts, one per slant.

(Is that clear? I'm a mathematician, so it makes sense to me, but I've been in front of enough classes to know that isn't quite enough.)

All these stories talk about their break-up and either blame Justin for being a man slut or leave it vague. Here are the headlines.

• People: Justin and Jessica
  Inside their split
• OK!: Why Justin dumped Jessica
• Us Weekly: How he broke her heart
  CHEATING AND BETRAYAL
  After Justin dumps her, Jessica must finally face the truth about his double life

Like almost all posts featuring Justin Timberlake, this one gets the "man sluts" label. Some of the Hollywood Lotharios romantically attached to several women in the gossip rags may actually be trying to hide that they bat for the other team.

I don't think Justin Timberlake bats for the other team.

Love Bird Alert™: Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis.

Publications: Star, In Touch
Date: 28 March 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! We start with the verified story that Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake have separated. In the gossip world, this is never caused by ennui, but instead by dirty sweaty sex with other people. Both In Touch and Star blame Justin and Mila Kunis, his co-star in the upcoming movie Friends With Benefits. Here are the headlines.

• Star: Justin & Mila, the real story
  Their hot PDAs
  inside the split with Jessica
• In Touch: Justin & Mila - how she stole him

Just being clear to anyone reading this blog for the first time, I have no inside information. I just read the tabloid headlines and report on them. But I am giving the man slut label to Justin Timberlake because I really do believe he's heterosexual and I really do believe he'll shag anything hot in a skirt.

Breaking news: Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel call it quits.

You can find this story all over the Internets, so I am not going to give a specific source, but Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel have made it official that they are no longer a couple. This picture is from a Laker game last year when Justin saw them up on the big screen and decided dry humping her would be the funniest thing anyone ever saw.

Timberlake's most recent success on screen was playing a man slut in The Social Network. This was not a stretch for him. Every story about him last year in the supermarket rags was a story about him cheating on her.

This is the first mention of either of them this year on the blog, but I expect The Only Ten Magazines That Matter will be featuring both of them more prominently in the weeks and months ahead.

Man Slut Alert: Charlie Sheen's madam may name more names.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 14 March 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Even if you only pay scant attention to gossip, you had to know this week's most popular celebrity would be the self-destructing Charlie Sheen. All the other stories that mention him this week are actually about him, but the low rent Examiner uses his name to trash others with rumors. They speculate about Sheen's madam's little black book and what names might be in it. They include Brad Pitt, no stranger to malicious gossip about his love life, and Vanna White's husband, also not a surprise given the low rent Examiner's continued claims that she is addicted to "bad boys". The third name on the list is unusual and not previously mentioned in the supermarket rags in 2010 or 2011.

Welcome to gossip hell, Kevin Costner! It surprises me to see his name bandied about in such a sordid way because:

1. He's dull as dishwater, and
2. I didn't even know he counted as a movie star anymore.

I'm cruel, but fair.

No Love Bird Alert™: Sandra Bullock rebuffs John Mayer

Publication: In Touch
Date: 28 February 2011

Though I read the covers of the gossip rags every week, it's still some mystery how celebrities meet other than working together on projects. Allegedly, mouthy man slut John Mayer is of the opinion his reputation needs mending (all too true) and he decided dating Sandra Bullock would do the trick, but she nixed the possible hookup before it happened.

Both sides deny the story, but of course it's designed for plausible deniability from the very start, isn't it?