Bells are Ringing Alert™: Two famous women get engaged! No, not to each other.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 16 May 2011

It's been a slow week in the supermarket rags. I haven't been able to find a copy of this week's low rent Examiner anywhere, the Sun was completely lame as was the Weekly World News, and the number of stories about Wills'N'Kate pushed other gossip off the covers.

Also, we get two engagements of women who have nothing to do with each other lumped into a single story.

Kate and Kristin.

I know what you're asking? Kate who?

This time it's Kate Hudson, who has never, ever been important enough to be known just by her first name in the gossip world.

A year ago, Kate meant Kate Gosselin. Now, it means Kate Middleton. Tabloid headline writers, please take note.

And the other one is Kristin Cavallari. There are boatloads of Kristens and Kirstens and Kirsties in the gossip world right now. Technically, the only other Kristin with two "i"s is Kristin Davis of the Sex and the City series, but she has only had one mention in sixteen months, so Kristin Cavallari kinda sorta deserves the first name basis, since this is her sixth cover story.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Bikini body secrets

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 5 July 2010

More stories about how to look like famously attractive people while wearing very little clothing.

Beyoncé knows how to burn calories while she sleeps.

Actually, we all do. If you want to burn a lot of calories while you sleep, I recommend a short term illness like influenza.

Cameron Diaz beats ab flab. It helps if you have a lot of free time to exercise and you are serious about training. Being paid jillions of dollars to look good increases the seriousness of most people.

Kristin Cavallari knows a new way to lose ten pounds. Most of the young women who get featured in these pictures never gained ten pounds after they stopped growing at the age of sixteen or so.

There was also a picture of some woman from one of the Housewives show, but that is a line I will not cross.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Bikini body secrets

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 5 July 2010

More stories about how to look like famously attractive people while wearing very little clothing.

Beyoncé knows how to burn calories while she sleeps.

Actually, we all do. If you want to burn a lot of calories while you sleep, I recommend a short term illness like influenza.

Cameron Diaz beats ab flab. It helps if you have a lot of free time to exercise and you are serious about training. Being paid jillions of dollars to look good increases the seriousness of most people.

Kristin Cavallari knows a new way to lose ten pounds. Most of the young women who get featured in these pictures never gained ten pounds after they stopped growing at the age of sixteen or so.

There was also a picture of some woman from one of the Housewives show, but that is a line I will not cross.

Kristin's shocking tell all!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 June 2010

One of the problems with keeping track of gossip about young people.

Too many Kristins. Actually, too many Kristins and Kristens and Kirstens and Kirsties and Crystals. It can give you such a headache trying to keep them straight.

Kristin Cavallari is a bimbo from the MTV reality show The Hills, which brought us uber-bimbo Heidi Montag. The Hills is so bad, even friend of the blog and reality TV junkie Karen Zipdrive won't watch it.

That's saying something.

So Kristin is writing a book. It better be a book on tape, because I don't think that much of her public is actually literate.

Kristin's shocking tell all!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 June 2010

One of the problems with keeping track of gossip about young people.

Too many Kristins. Actually, too many Kristins and Kristens and Kirstens and Kirsties and Crystals. It can give you such a headache trying to keep them straight.

Kristin Cavallari is a bimbo from the MTV reality show The Hills, which brought us uber-bimbo Heidi Montag. The Hills is so bad, even friend of the blog and reality TV junkie Karen Zipdrive won't watch it.

That's saying something.

So Kristin is writing a book. It better be a book on tape, because I don't think that much of her public is actually literate.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Bikini body reality TV stars

Publication: OK!
Date: 31 May 2010

OK! wants us to know what reality TV stars look good in very little clothing, like we didn't know already.

If you've been following the day-to-day gossip instead of the weekly gossip, you know that how Kendra Wilkinson looks in a bikini is about to become a moot point.

How does Kim K. look in very little clothing? Very supa foine, thank you for asking.

And last but not least... wait, I take that back. Last and least we have Kristin Cavallari, who is usually in the gossip rags for being a drug addict. Definitely a step up for her.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Bikini body reality TV stars

Publication: OK!
Date: 31 May 2010

OK! wants us to know what reality TV stars look good in very little clothing, like we didn't know already.

If you've been following the day-to-day gossip instead of the weekly gossip, you know that how Kendra Wilkinson looks in a bikini is about to become a moot point.

How does Kim K. look in very little clothing? Very supa foine, thank you for asking.

And last but not least... wait, I take that back. Last and least we have Kristin Cavallari, who is usually in the gossip rags for being a drug addict. Definitely a step up for her.

Feuds, Drugs, Problems with Plastic, you name it:The multiple hot messes from the cast of The Hills

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 10 May 2010

Fresh trash tomorrow! We end with the stale trash today.

Us Weekly retreads a bunch of stories about the female cast members from The Hills and acts like it's news. Heidi's gone nuts with plastic surgery, Kristen is a drug addict, Audrina and Heidi don't get along and Lauren calls Heidi "sad".

Blahblahblahblah... Bob Loblaw's Law Blog!

Feuds, Drugs, Problems with Plastic, you name it:The multiple hot messes from the cast of The Hills

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 10 May 2010

Fresh trash tomorrow! We end with the stale trash today.

Us Weekly retreads a bunch of stories about the female cast members from The Hills and acts like it's news. Heidi's gone nuts with plastic surgery, Kristen is a drug addict, Audrina and Heidi don't get along and Lauren calls Heidi "sad".

Blahblahblahblah... Bob Loblaw's Law Blog!

Demon Drugs Alert™:Kristin Cavallari in rehab?

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 1 Mar. 2010

Kristin Cavallari, like Heidi Montag, is one of those folks who first came to the public's attention on some MTV show about beautiful young people. Instead of going nuts with plastic surgery like Heidi, Us Weekly insinuates that Ms. Cavallari may be going nuts with controlled substances instead. Note the question mark at the end of the title.

Is there California drug rehab in Ms. Cavallari's future?

Stay classy, Us Weekly!