Weekly World News Alert: Al Qaeda wants to name 9/11 "Osama Day".

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 20 June 2011

While the Obama administration is not touting the murder of Osama Bin Laden every chance they get, the AMI gossip rags are. This week, it's the Weekly World News telling us Al Qaeda wants to rename Setpember 11 "Osama Day".

Hairdresser Alert™: Bin Laden's secret gay life.

Publication: Globe
Date: 30 May 2011

The Globe says Osama Bin Laden had a secret gay life. Before this, the only clue was when the Weekly World News announced his marriage to Kim Jong Il.

Bin Laden was not a hot gossip topic before he died, but the AMI kennel is going to town on him now. Just a few more stories and he'll be up there with Liz Taylor and Gary Coleman as a top dead celebrity.

News you can use from the presidential book of secrets.

Publication: Sun
Date: 30 May 2011

The idea that there is a Presidential Book of Secrets is a popular conspiracy theory like Area 51, fueled by popular movies and such. The standard idea is that it has the information the United States is still keeping secret after decades or possibly centuries, but the Sun has decided it contains prophecies about the future as well.

Hey, it's fiction, Knock yourselves out.

The three secrets they share on the cover are:

• CIA says Bin Laden still alive
• When more jobs are heading your way
• How U.S. government dodges World War III

As you can see, this is a pretty magical book. I'd usually ignore this because it doesn't give anything specific in terms of dates, but it continues the rumor that Bin Laden is still alive, so I included it.

Why do you seek the living among the dead alert: Bin Laden is still alive and America's got him, say top TV newsman.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 May 2011

The gossip rags are still going on about Osama Bin Laden, which is to say the dogs in the AMI kennel are still barking about it, more specifically the mangiest of the dogs, the Sun and the low rent Examiner. The low rent Examiner says that a "top TV newsman" says the elite squad who raided Osama's compound took him alive and are now getting vital intelligence out of him.

Who does the low rent Examiner consider a "top TV newsman"? Glenn Beck, the lunatic conspiracy theorist who even Fox News had to fire.

Stay classy, low rent Examiner!

More stories from the AMI kennel about Osama Bin Laden.

Publications: National Enquirer, Globe
Date: 23 May 2011

Two of the Three Wicked Step Sisters are continuing the victory lap over the killing of Osama Bin Laden this week. Here are the headlines.

• Globe: Bin Laden secret autopsy
  riddled by disease
  only one year to live
  how Navy SEALS sent him to hell!
  Death Scene Photos the White House doesn't want you to see…
• 
  
• National Enquirer: Bin Laden mistress (Kola Boof) tells all
  Drugs, rape and torture
  kept female slave in chains in compound
  Beat his children and wives
  
  

Cowardly last minutes alert: The gossip rags tell us about Osama's death.

Publications: National Enquirer, OK!
Date: 16 May 2011

There were three events in the last week that weren't just news but future cultural touchstones. In years to come, people will still remember Obama's long form birth certificate being released, the wedding of Wills'N'Kate and assassination of Osama Bin Laden. The tabloids weighed in on all of these. For the Bin Laden story, and odd couple of gossip rags put the story on the cover, the meanest rag the Enquirer and the nicest, OK! Here are their headlines.

• National Enquirer: Osama Bin Laden's Final Minutes
  High on heroin and ratted out by his wife
  He cried and begged for his life
  Body dumped at sea
• OK!: Osama Bin Laden destroyed!
  JUSTICE!
  Emotional interview with the friends and relatives of the victims of 9/11: 'Good does win out over evil'
  PLUS: Amazing details on how we found him
  Peace at last for the grieving 9/11 families

Notice the subtle differences.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™ with a side of hairdresser:Osama Bin Laden marries Kim Jong Il

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 20 December 2010

They aren't the great source of wonderful news they used to be, but I still love the Weekly World News. This week, they tell us that Osama Bin Laden has married the owner of the Oakland Raiders, Al Davis, sometimes referred to in the press as Kim Jong Al.

Wait, my bad... that's Kim Jong Il. I have a hard time telling those guys apart.

Of course, there is a major difference in religions between the two, but they have agreed that any children they bring into the world will be raised in the Death To America faith.