Meanest story nominee: Prince William: "I know who killed my mom!"

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 July 2011

The low rent Examiner continues with the popular gossip theory that his mother Princess Diana was murdered AND the heir to the throne knows the culprit. If you really think the car crash was a hit, watch this sketch by Mitchell and Webb and see if you don't think there are a few holes in the idea.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha? What Diana would look like at 50.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

A lot of the American supermarket gossip rags are run by Brits who think we are WAY more interested in British royalty than we actually are. Somebody has decided to use some age advancement software on pictures of Princess Diana to give an idea of what she would look like now at the age of 50.

All this week's news about Wills'N'Kate

Publications: Globe, People, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 27 June 2011

The Royal Couple are still a hot topic in the gossip rags, and they will probably stay that way as long as Kate is pretty, which could be quite a while. Here are the positive headlines.

People: The Princess Diaries
In her new role as duchess and wife, Kate dazzles the world with her real-girl glamour. Plus the couple pick a palace.

Weekly Life & Style: Wills'N'Kate: Inside their palace

But since every punch bowl is just another urinal to the dogs in the AMI kennel, here's the Globe's take on the situation.

Globe: As pressure mounts for Royal baby…
William's wife snaps!
Kate: "Now I know how Diana felt"
Secret letters hide shocking torment

DNA proves who is Prince Harry's real father!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 June 2011

Welcome to 21st Century American gossip hell, James Hewitt! The low rent Examiner re-hashes a story that has been forwarded many times, especially in Great Britain, that Prince Harry, the cheeky young prince that doesn't look much like anybody on either side of his family tree, is the son of James Hewitt. Hewitt's more than a little squidgy now, but in the picture shown here of him as a young man, was a dashing fellow with a great head of ginger hair, not unlike the cheeky young prince.

Bells are Ringing Alert™: Stories about Wills'N'Kate a day before the big to-do.

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, OK!
Date: 9 May 2011

I'm a little surprised that only six of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter have stories about the royal wedding hitting the newsstands a day before the event. Most notably, People and the Enquirer are maintaining radio silence. I expect at least People will cover the event after the fact.

Here are the headlines about the wedding itself.

• Weekly Life & Style: Wedding of the year
  The ring! The kiss! And William's touching promise to his beautiful bride, Kate.
  Kate honors Diana
• OK!: Royal Wedding!
  The breathtaking dress, cake and flowers
  The tear-filled service & celebrity guests
  Diana would be so proud of her son
  Your personal guide to the historic event
  
  

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: William's bride rips into Camilla!

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

For the Globe, the royal wedding that is coming up next Friday is not about the future of the British monarchy, but the start of a battle royale to see who will become Queen Bitch. Camilla Parker-Bowles may appear to already have the title sewn up, but the younger and prettier soon to be Princess Katherine is showing some spunk. According to the Globe, Kate recently told Camilla "You got rid of Diana, but you won't get rid of me!"

Oh, snap. Oh, no you din't!

It's on like Donkey Kong.

Weekly World News alert: Princess Diana is alive and hiding in the U.S.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 2 May 2011

After going far afield to do an End of the World story last week, the Weekly World News is back to doing what they do best, making up preposterous crap about dead people.

Princess Di is alive, hiding in the U.S. and will only be able to watch her son's wedding on basic cable, assuming she can afford it.

Meanest Story nominee: Kate Middleton already pregnant!

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 25 April 2011

Now that the royal wedding is at the end of the month and all the rice has been swept up from Reese Witherspoon wedding, (literally true but figuratively, not quite), the American tabloids can now focus on Wills'N'Kate more deeply, which in the case of the dogs in the AMI kennel means they can work harder at making the young couple's life a living hell.

It's an open secret that lack of virginity is not a deal breaker anymore, and no one with a lick of sense thinks Wills'N'Kate have just been holding hands and attending polo matches for the past decade or so, but the Star says they have info from some palace blabbermouth that Kate will walk down the aisle already heavy with child. Just to make it seem more realistic, they add the details that the official announcement will come after the honeymoon and if they have a daughter, they will name her Diana.

Well, if we do have a royal baby in the near future, it won't be hard to do the math to see if this story is bollocks or not. As for now, it gets a nomination for Meanest Story of the Week.

The making of a princess

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 6 December 2010

If you ever thought to yourself, "I'd like to see so much stuff about Kate Middleton that I actually get a little sick of her", this is your lucky week! There are a few stories about Wills and some about them together as a couple, but the American gossip press figures that most Americans are only dimly aware of her and are trying to remedy that as quickly as possible.

Among the details on the cover of Us are:

• Gowns, jewels and ladies in waiting
• Strict new rules
• How Kate's life has changed forever
• What she's learned from Diana

The Only Ten Magazines That Matter are definitely going to be reminding us of Diana Spencer as often as they can over the next few months.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:Wills and Kate Wedding special!

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 December 2010

Wills'N'Kate-Mania has begun in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter, and it will likely last at least until the wedding. Whether this will make the Young Royals as important to the gossip rags as Kendra or Kim or, dare I say it, BrAngelina, time will tell.

OK!, friendly but too cheeky buggers that they are, now calls themselves "the official magazine of the Royals". I'll believe this is true when Queen Elizabeth II comes to Oakland, knocks on my apartment door and shows me the signed document and another sample of her handwriting.

The details on the cover this week from OK! include:

• Kate picked the church
• Will's brother Harry is delighted
• Their secret honeymoon
• Her tribute to Diana

While I don't know for sure exactly how popular Wills'N'Kate will get in the gossip rags, if this week's stories are any indication, Princess Diana is going to surpass Gary Coleman as Most Popular Dead Person for the supermarket magazines very quickly, probably before Christmas.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?Princess Di's grave is empty.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 August 2010

This is the third story this year about Diana, Princess of Wales. The Weekly World News told us she was going to be canonized along with Micheal Jackson and Elvis Presley, and ever so slightly more reliable Examiner said her son William wanted to re-open the inquiry into her death.

There have been other stories this year about missing corpses or plans to steal people's remains, all of them in either the Globe or Examiner. The other stories were about Gary Coleman, James Brown and Michael Jackson. As they sing on Sesame Street, one of these folks is not like the others.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?Princess Di's grave is empty.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 August 2010

This is the third story this year about Diana, Princess of Wales. The Weekly World News told us she was going to be canonized along with Micheal Jackson and Elvis Presley, and ever so slightly more reliable Examiner said her son William wanted to re-open the inquiry into her death.

There have been other stories this year about missing corpses or plans to steal people's remains, all of them in either the Globe or Examiner. The other stories were about Gary Coleman, James Brown and Michael Jackson. As they sing on Sesame Street, one of these folks is not like the others.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™?:Wills and Kate to be married, according to despised snitch Paul Burrell

Publication: OK!
Date: 23 August 2010

A whole lot of royal folks past, present and possibly future are named in this story, but the only picture I include is of Paul Burrell, Diana's former butler, who OK! tells us is the source for this story.

First, the details. Queen Liz is giving Kate Middleton personal instruction in how to be a princess. The wedding is a done deal, the date is set (though not mentioned on the cover), the dress and the jewels are picked out and the champagne has already been ordered. Princess Di has a message from beyond the grave for both Wills&Kate.

Now, here's why you might decide not to believe a word of it.

Burrell was her butler and he wrote a tell-all book. You don't have to read all the collected works of P.G. Wodehouse to know that This Just Isn't Done. Nobody who has the real say-so in royal circles actually talks to this guy, and any of the help who talk to him risk being fired.

Standards must be maintained.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™?:Wills and Kate to be married, according to despised snitch Paul Burrell

Publication: OK!
Date: 23 August 2010

A whole lot of royal folks past, present and possibly future are named in this story, but the only picture I include is of Paul Burrell, Diana's former butler, who OK! tells us is the source for this story.

First, the details. Queen Liz is giving Kate Middleton personal instruction in how to be a princess. The wedding is a done deal, the date is set (though not mentioned on the cover), the dress and the jewels are picked out and the champagne has already been ordered. Princess Di has a message from beyond the grave for both Wills&Kate.

Now, here's why you might decide not to believe a word of it.

Burrell was her butler and he wrote a tell-all book. You don't have to read all the collected works of P.G. Wodehouse to know that This Just Isn't Done. Nobody who has the real say-so in royal circles actually talks to this guy, and any of the help who talk to him risk being fired.

Standards must be maintained.

And the camera noses in to the tears on his face:William wants to re-open the inquiry into his mother's death

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

According to the National Examiner, one of the two American tabloids that give a rat's ass about the British royalty, Prince William has information that the driver of the car his mother died in was not drunk on the evening in question and he wants another panel to investigate.

I'd like to say this story isn't going away, but I get the feeling it really is. In any case, if there are villains who've gotten away with murder, William might not want to dig too deep to find them, because he's probably shared a Christmas dinner or twenty with them.

Canonization alert:Jacko, Di and Elvis to become saints

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 8 Mar. 2010

If we are to believe the Weekly World News, (and what person of faith doesn't?) the Church (denomination unspecified on the cover) will soon make saints of Michael Jackson, Princess Diana Spencer and Elvis Presley.

With all due respect to my pal Padre Mickey, the line-up of saints as it currently stands is boring and the Church will wither unless it adds some zazz.

I mean seriously, Cyril and Methodius? St. Scholastica? A feast day for the Martyrs of Japan?

These people were never even on TV. They were so broke ass, I bet none of them even owned a TV! How can you expect a modern audience to get behind stuff like this?

God bless St. Jacko, St. Di and St. Elvis, and bless us all in their holy names and holy blood.

And most especially, God bless the Weekly World News. As soon as the editors realize that no one wants to hear any more about the World's Fattest Cat, they will go back to being the absolute best of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.