Diana Ross will raise Michael Jackson's kids.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 23 May 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, 2011 edition, Diana Ross! The low rent Examiner writes that the pop diva has agreed to take care of Michael Jackson's children.

Does Miss Ross strike you as maternal? Yeah, me neither.

Did Miss Ross strike you? Call the tabloids, they would love to hear about it.

Justin Bieber: "Don't let me end up like Michael Jackson!"

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 21 February 2011

On the cover of Weekly Life & Style, young Justin Bieber asks some unknown entity to prevent his life from becoming like Michael Jackson's.

Young Master Bieber, please don't think I mock you when I give you the label Biggest Star on the Planet. But if we are looking at probabilities for the future, your fate is MUCH more likely to resemble Bobby Sherman's than it is to follow Michael Jackson's.

Just sayin'.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Janet Jackson says Oprah Winfrey is a fraud!

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 November 2010

If we are to believe the Globe, and that is a questionable proposition at best, Janet Jackson is angry with Oprah Winfrey for betraying the memory of her late brother Michael.

This is the 27th story about Oprah Winfrey this year in the supermarket rags, one in OK! and all the rest in the magazines in the AMI kennel. The editors at the Enquirer, Globe, Star, Examiner and Sun pretty much hate her.

Canonization Alert: More miracles for Saint Michael Jackson

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 25 October 2010

The Weekly World News, bless their hearts, are claiming that pressure is being put on Pope Benedict to make Michael Jackson a saint because of miracles done in his name.

It's common practice to mock Michael Jackson. It's actually an effort not to do so, but I put up this picture of him to remind people there was a time when he was a good looking young man who recorded an excellent and under-appreciated album called Off the Wall, before he recorded Thriller and was consumed by fame and weirdness.

Why do you seek the living among the dead alert:Guess where Michael Jackson was seen alive!

Publication: Sun
Date: 13 September 2010

I hate guessing games. I wish the Sun would just tell us where he was seen alive.

But then again, believing anything you read in the Sun is a pretty sure sign you don't deserve to be carrying around enough money to buy a copy of the Sun.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?Michael Jackson's body missing

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2010

Believing the Globe is just silly and wrong nine times out of ten, but they say there has been a grave robbery out of Michael Jackson's crypt that has been covered up.

The other tabloid that has covered this is the Weekly World News, who has asked who is in Jacko's crypt in April and told us Michael Jackson is alive in January.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?Michael Jackson's body missing

Publication: Globe
Date: 5 July 2010

Believing the Globe is just silly and wrong nine times out of ten, but they say there has been a grave robbery out of Michael Jackson's crypt that has been covered up.

The other tabloid that has covered this is the Weekly World News, who has asked who is in Jacko's crypt in April and told us Michael Jackson is alive in January.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?Michael Jackson's kids' nanny fed Michael deadly drugs

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 May 2010

The Flagship not only kicks a corpse, they are in the running for the award for Hardest Headline To Read this year, with two possessives used to describe one person. Grace Rwaramba from Rwanda is accused of being the supplier of bad drugs to Michael Jackson. Her official job description was nanny to Michael's kids.

The accusations against her are not news, as her name was bandied about in the press last year when Jackson died.

Kick a corpse, why don'tcha?Michael Jackson's kids' nanny fed Michael deadly drugs

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 31 May 2010

The Flagship not only kicks a corpse, they are in the running for the award for Hardest Headline To Read this year, with two possessives used to describe one person. Grace Rwaramba from Rwanda is accused of being the supplier of bad drugs to Michael Jackson. Her official job description was nanny to Michael's kids.

The accusations against her are not news, as her name was bandied about in the press last year when Jackson died.

Mystery Alert!Who is really in Michael Jackson's crypt?

Publication: Weekly World News

Date: 3 May 2010

Even when I can't use their headlines, I always look forward to the Weekly World News blurb on the cover of the Sun every week. This week, they ask the question "Who is really in Michael Jackson's crypt?" My first guess would be Michael Jackson, but that just seems too easy.

Then it dawned on me! We still haven't found James Brown's body, have we?

Mystery solved!

And the camera noses in to the tears on her face: Jackson kids in danger!

Publication: Globe

Date: 22 Mar. 2010

The Jackson progeny are in danger at Neverland!

This could be a confirmation of the story that Michael Jackson is still alive. It certainly throws into question the story that the church will turn Michael into a saint, because if that were true, they could pray to him and he would save them.

If you try to keep all the tabloid stories in your head at once, it makes you a little dizzy.

Canonization alert:Jacko, Di and Elvis to become saints

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 8 Mar. 2010

If we are to believe the Weekly World News, (and what person of faith doesn't?) the Church (denomination unspecified on the cover) will soon make saints of Michael Jackson, Princess Diana Spencer and Elvis Presley.

With all due respect to my pal Padre Mickey, the line-up of saints as it currently stands is boring and the Church will wither unless it adds some zazz.

I mean seriously, Cyril and Methodius? St. Scholastica? A feast day for the Martyrs of Japan?

These people were never even on TV. They were so broke ass, I bet none of them even owned a TV! How can you expect a modern audience to get behind stuff like this?

God bless St. Jacko, St. Di and St. Elvis, and bless us all in their holy names and holy blood.

And most especially, God bless the Weekly World News. As soon as the editors realize that no one wants to hear any more about the World's Fattest Cat, they will go back to being the absolute best of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

Weekly World News Alert: Michael Jackson is alive

Publication: Sun
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

The Sun is the least useful tabloid on the shelf for me. The headlines tend to be vague mentions of prophecies to be found inside or horoscopes and diets. But the rag has one redeeming feature on the cover, and that is a single mention of a story from the online Weekly World News.

All connoisseurs of tabloid remember the WWN fondly. This is where we found out about the Bay Boy found in a cave, and the grey skinned alien that met with world leaders and endorsed presidential candidates.

Other tabloids worried about being sued. The Weekly World News had evolved beyond such petty thoughts by making up every story out of whole cloth. It was more like performance art than a newspaper, and I had many friends, including Padre Mickey, who loved it dearly.

This week, the single blurb from the WWN tells us Michael Jackson is alive, even though for the past few years when he was alive, he looked like Joan Crawford's death mask.

Just thought you would like to know.