Damn You Fat Alert™: Stars lose the battle with cellulite.

Publication: Star
Date: 14 March 2011

The word of the week in the supermarket rags is "cellulite". There are two different stories in two different mags featuring the great uncured plague.

The Star rips on many celebrated females for having cellulite this week. There are some "Guess Who?" pictures, but I refuse to play that game. Of the women they name, blow up doll Heidi Montag, is shown to be smooth and over inflated everywhere except for her thighs with the tell tale lumpiness. Obviously, this is not the picture they used.

Kate Gosselin is also shown with a picture emphasizing her cellulite, which yet again is not the picture I'm featuring here.

And just so you don't think the Star is only interested in reality TV stars whose shows are either canceled or being retooled, pop star Britney Spears makes the cover of a supermarket rag for the very first time in 2011 because she has cellulite.

I'm sure she's thrilled.

Problems With Plastic Alert™:Heidi Montag admits her unhappiness

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 3 January 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! It may not be Christmas yet, but the dates on the gossip rags have rolled over into 2011. Weekly Life & Style gives almost all the cover to Heidi Montag, who dearly wanted to be one of the biggest gossip stars of 2010 and turned out to be only one of the saddest.

Way back in January, facing the cancellation of her reality show and the sorrow of aging usually unnoticed in most 23 year olds, Heidi underwent ten surgeries in one day, which put her on the cover of People. Most of the stories after that were negative, though she claimed to be happy with her new look. Since then, her plastic surgeon has died and Heidi has come forward to say she is completely miserable. The sub-headline details include:

• Horrific scars
• Botched implants
• Lumpy liposuction
• Mangled ears

Her quote: "I feel like Frankenstein."

Blown Fortune Alert™:How Speidi went through $10 million

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 15 November 2010

Back in June, when I was young and naive, I thought the supermarket rags would continue telling us the story of the attention starved idiots Heidi Montag and her douchebag husband Spencer Pratt. I now realize that attention starved idiots who no longer have reality TV shows are of little interest to the gossip rags and their attempts to stay relevant are nearly hopeless.

They got divorced when they realized they would have to declare bankruptcy. Somehow, they burned through ten million dollars. I'm such a broke mofo, i have no idea how anyone could do that, though the old adage about fools and their money comes to mind.

You So Crazy Alert™:Heidi wants old boobs back, sort of

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 6 September 2010

Heidi Montag, a hot mess with or without her sleazy boyfriend, comes clean in this week's Weekly Life & Style. Earlier talk was that she was going to trade in her DD implants for G implants or possibly one of the letters invented by Dr. Seuss in On Beyond Zebra, but now she says she would just like nice normal D cups.

Normal as in "normal for a strip club".

No word if she wants to upgrade to a chin that looks like it belongs to a human.

And, oh yeah, she "comes clean" about the sex tape with the Playboy playmate whose name escapes me for the moment.

Breaking news (sort of):Heidi Montag files for divorce in Santa Monica

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 30 July 2010

My thanks to blog buddy Karen Zipdrive for pointing out this story from last Friday. The noise around the relationship of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt is so thick it's hard to tell if there is any signal at all, but filing of divorce papers in court is as close to a real thing as we will get from this pair of phonies. Heidi has filed for divorce. I thought it was all just Planted Crap from these people just to stay in the spotlight, but I admit I was wrong on that score and give the "confirmed" label to both the Star and Weekly Life & Style who said the relationship was over back in June.

Breaking news (sort of):Heidi Montag files for divorce in Santa Monica

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 30 July 2010

My thanks to blog buddy Karen Zipdrive for pointing out this story from last Friday. The noise around the relationship of Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt is so thick it's hard to tell if there is any signal at all, but filing of divorce papers in court is as close to a real thing as we will get from this pair of phonies. Heidi has filed for divorce. I thought it was all just Planted Crap from these people just to stay in the spotlight, but I admit I was wrong on that score and give the "confirmed" label to both the Star and Weekly Life & Style who said the relationship was over back in June.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:DEATH RACE 2010

Publication: Globe
Date: 26 July 2010

Back in January, the Globe had a cover story putting together a line-up of young people who might die, most of them because of drug usage. This week, the headline is WHO WILL DIE FIRST? with pictures of celebrities of varying ages, some who have already been on the celebrity death watch, others getting their first mention in the tabloids of any kind for 2010.

Here's the list. An asterisk by a name means this is the first time they have been put on a death watch this year.

Lisa Marie Presley*: Eating herself to death
Camilla Parker-Bowles: Now weighs 200 lbs.
Mel Gibson: suicidal
Paula Abdul*: addicted to pain pills
Pamela Anderson*: binge drinking
Bret Michaels: shocking secret
Wayne Newton*: Risking it all
Heidi Montag*: surgery obsessed

A few comments.

This is not the standard fare for the Globe. The only person who qualifies for Hey Old Timer Gossip is Wayne Newton, who they mentioned once before when his pregnant daughter fell into a coma this winter. The only "regular" Globe cover girl in this list is Camilla.

If we are to believe this report, and that's a very big if when considering the Globe, the two names that should be taken seriously are Bret Michaels and Pamela Anderson, both of whom have serious documented health problems that are not conducive to hard partying.

The rest of the list... meh. I still don't believe Mel Gibson is suicidal, plenty of people put on weight without dying immediately, and since this is the first mention Paula Abdul or Wayne Newton, I'm going to need independent verification from some publication that actually has a fact-checker on the payroll.

As for Heidi Montag... please. They just wanted to put a picture of her tits on the cover, though it should be said that this is the first time she has graced the cover of any of The Three Wicked Stepsister tabloids.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:DEATH RACE 2010

Publication: Globe
Date: 26 July 2010

Back in January, the Globe had a cover story putting together a line-up of young people who might die, most of them because of drug usage. This week, the headline is WHO WILL DIE FIRST? with pictures of celebrities of varying ages, some who have already been on the celebrity death watch, others getting their first mention in the tabloids of any kind for 2010.

Here's the list. An asterisk by a name means this is the first time they have been put on a death watch this year.

Lisa Marie Presley*: Eating herself to death
Camilla Parker-Bowles: Now weighs 200 lbs.
Mel Gibson: suicidal
Paula Abdul*: addicted to pain pills
Pamela Anderson*: binge drinking
Bret Michaels: shocking secret
Wayne Newton*: Risking it all
Heidi Montag*: surgery obsessed

A few comments.

This is not the standard fare for the Globe. The only person who qualifies for Hey Old Timer Gossip is Wayne Newton, who they mentioned once before when his pregnant daughter fell into a coma this winter. The only "regular" Globe cover girl in this list is Camilla.

If we are to believe this report, and that's a very big if when considering the Globe, the two names that should be taken seriously are Bret Michaels and Pamela Anderson, both of whom have serious documented health problems that are not conducive to hard partying.

The rest of the list... meh. I still don't believe Mel Gibson is suicidal, plenty of people put on weight without dying immediately, and since this is the first mention Paula Abdul or Wayne Newton, I'm going to need independent verification from some publication that actually has a fact-checker on the payroll.

As for Heidi Montag... please. They just wanted to put a picture of her tits on the cover, though it should be said that this is the first time she has graced the cover of any of The Three Wicked Stepsister tabloids.

On the Rocks Alert(?):Heidi leaves Spencer

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, Star
Date: 14 June 2010

A week ago Saturday, TMZ.com broke the news that Heidi Montag had moved out of the house she shared with Spencer Pratt. This story was confirmed by Heidi, though her reasons seemed a little weak. Two of the Only Ten Magazine That Matter jumped on the story and put it on the front cover. The best evidence a week later is that it was Planted Crap from the awful couple who are hoping to get a new reality TV show.

On Friday, I called Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, known in their day as Liz and Dick, the greatest celebrity couple of all time. Some people even older than I am, which would be very old indeed, might chose Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks.

That's the top of the heap. The bottom of the heap is Heidi and Spencer, awful people who perfectly embody the entertainment industry of this awful time.

On the Rocks Alert(?):Heidi leaves Spencer

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, Star
Date: 14 June 2010

A week ago Saturday, TMZ.com broke the news that Heidi Montag had moved out of the house she shared with Spencer Pratt. This story was confirmed by Heidi, though her reasons seemed a little weak. Two of the Only Ten Magazine That Matter jumped on the story and put it on the front cover. The best evidence a week later is that it was Planted Crap from the awful couple who are hoping to get a new reality TV show.

On Friday, I called Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, known in their day as Liz and Dick, the greatest celebrity couple of all time. Some people even older than I am, which would be very old indeed, might chose Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks.

That's the top of the heap. The bottom of the heap is Heidi and Spencer, awful people who perfectly embody the entertainment industry of this awful time.

Problems with Plastic Alert™:A bunch of doctors speculate about plastic surgery

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 June 2010

Under the headline BOOB JOBS! BOTOX! LIPO!, OK! magazine has a bunch of doctors make their best guesses about what female celebrities have had what work done. The sub-headlines include:

• Kendra's tummy crisis
• Kim's cellulite cure
• Audrina looks bustier

There are also mentions of Heidi Montag and Jennifer Aniston for good measure.

Note that the actresses most prized for their beauty in films today like Scarlett Johansson, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba are almost never mentioned in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter. (Of that group. only Jessica Alba has had a single mention this year.) If you are under thirty and the supermarket rags are interested in you, you are probably from a reality TV show.

Problems with Plastic Alert™:A bunch of doctors speculate about plastic surgery

Publication: OK!
Date: 7 June 2010

Under the headline BOOB JOBS! BOTOX! LIPO!, OK! magazine has a bunch of doctors make their best guesses about what female celebrities have had what work done. The sub-headlines include:

• Kendra's tummy crisis
• Kim's cellulite cure
• Audrina looks bustier

There are also mentions of Heidi Montag and Jennifer Aniston for good measure.

Note that the actresses most prized for their beauty in films today like Scarlett Johansson, Megan Fox and Jessica Alba are almost never mentioned in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter. (Of that group. only Jessica Alba has had a single mention this year.) If you are under thirty and the supermarket rags are interested in you, you are probably from a reality TV show.

Breaking news:Heidi Montag leaving Spencer Pratt

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 29 May 2010

TMZ reports that Heidi Montag is looking for a place to live and wants to leave her husband Spencer Pratt. She is upset at the way Spencer has been controlling her image in the press.

In this picture, Spencer looks a little like a younger Brad Pitt with the older Brad Pitt's unfortunate love for bad facial hair choices.

Breaking news:Heidi Montag leaving Spencer Pratt

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 29 May 2010

TMZ reports that Heidi Montag is looking for a place to live and wants to leave her husband Spencer Pratt. She is upset at the way Spencer has been controlling her image in the press.

In this picture, Spencer looks a little like a younger Brad Pitt with the older Brad Pitt's unfortunate love for bad facial hair choices.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Heidi Montag's family hates her husband

Publications: OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 24 May 2010

Remember when Heidi Montag looked like a human being?

Ah, yes. 2009. It was a more innocent time.

Last week we had a story that Heidi wanted even bigger boobs because of something Ryan Seacrest said. This was according to her fame whore satellite husband Spencer Pratt.

This week, two different tabloids take the story from the point of view of Heidi's family. They believe something sane, that the problem is Spencer. They believe he is... well... a fame whore satellite.

A fame pimp, if you will.

This does not end well, mark my words.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Heidi Montag's family hates her husband

Publications: OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 24 May 2010

Remember when Heidi Montag looked like a human being?

Ah, yes. 2009. It was a more innocent time.

Last week we had a story that Heidi wanted even bigger boobs because of something Ryan Seacrest said. This was according to her fame whore satellite husband Spencer Pratt.

This week, two different tabloids take the story from the point of view of Heidi's family. They believe something sane, that the problem is Spencer. They believe he is... well... a fame whore satellite.

A fame pimp, if you will.

This does not end well, mark my words.

Problems with Plastic Alert™:Heidi's huge hooters won't go away!

Publications: Star, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 May 2010

Okay, let's admit it. Heidi Montag's bodacious ta-tas are the elephant in the room. We cannot avoid discussing them.

Two supermarket rags help us with that discussion.

Star: Heidi: "I made a mistake."

Well, that's a frakking boring discussion. Anything else?

Glad you asked, hypothetical question asker.

Weekly Life & Style: "Heidi FORCED into more surgery!"

Okay, now we're getting somewhere! Was it her scumbag fame whore satellite husband who is making her get even more grotesquely large boobs?

No! According to her fame whore satellite husband!

I admit it, I checked inside. Spencer Pratt, an unreliable witness it there ever was one, says that Heidi snapped after a comment by... wait for it... Ryan Seacrest!

Yes, Ryan Seacrest, Hairdresser Alert in waiting, says to Heidi when she comes to his radio show something to the effect of "Your breasts aren't that big", and this idiot chick SNAPS and opts for the next size up!

This is Spencer's story and he's sticking to it. He is either continuing to remain married with a DERANGED woman or he's lying, probably to cover his part in her continued self-disfigurement.

Which possibility seems more likely to you?

Problems with Plastic Alert™:Heidi's huge hooters won't go away!

Publications: Star, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 17 May 2010

Okay, let's admit it. Heidi Montag's bodacious ta-tas are the elephant in the room. We cannot avoid discussing them.

Two supermarket rags help us with that discussion.

Star: Heidi: "I made a mistake."

Well, that's a frakking boring discussion. Anything else?

Glad you asked, hypothetical question asker.

Weekly Life & Style: "Heidi FORCED into more surgery!"

Okay, now we're getting somewhere! Was it her scumbag fame whore satellite husband who is making her get even more grotesquely large boobs?

No! According to her fame whore satellite husband!

I admit it, I checked inside. Spencer Pratt, an unreliable witness it there ever was one, says that Heidi snapped after a comment by... wait for it... Ryan Seacrest!

Yes, Ryan Seacrest, Hairdresser Alert in waiting, says to Heidi when she comes to his radio show something to the effect of "Your breasts aren't that big", and this idiot chick SNAPS and opts for the next size up!

This is Spencer's story and he's sticking to it. He is either continuing to remain married with a DERANGED woman or he's lying, probably to cover his part in her continued self-disfigurement.

Which possibility seems more likely to you?

Feuds, Drugs, Problems with Plastic, you name it:The multiple hot messes from the cast of The Hills

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 10 May 2010

Fresh trash tomorrow! We end with the stale trash today.

Us Weekly retreads a bunch of stories about the female cast members from The Hills and acts like it's news. Heidi's gone nuts with plastic surgery, Kristen is a drug addict, Audrina and Heidi don't get along and Lauren calls Heidi "sad".

Blahblahblahblah... Bob Loblaw's Law Blog!

Feuds, Drugs, Problems with Plastic, you name it:The multiple hot messes from the cast of The Hills

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 10 May 2010

Fresh trash tomorrow! We end with the stale trash today.

Us Weekly retreads a bunch of stories about the female cast members from The Hills and acts like it's news. Heidi's gone nuts with plastic surgery, Kristen is a drug addict, Audrina and Heidi don't get along and Lauren calls Heidi "sad".

Blahblahblahblah... Bob Loblaw's Law Blog!