On the rocks alert: the break-up of George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis.

Publications: Star, People
Date: 11 July 2011

The supermarket rags comment on the break-up of George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis, which was announced last week. Here are the headlines.

• People: George Clooney single again
• Star: George and Elisabetta: X-rated scandal before split

You will notice the somewhat positive spin from People and the salacious take from Star. There is the difference in the magazines in a nutshell.

George Clooney caught up in sex scandal!

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 April 2011

Welcome to 2011 gossip hell, George Clooney! The guy is as big a movie star as there is these days, this generation's version of Cary Grant or Paul Newman. He's getting older and he still looks like a million bucks, and on top of that he's single and squires around whatever fabulous babe he wants, currently the model Elisabetta Canalis. This is his first mention in the supermarket rags this year, and Elisabetta is nowhere to be found.

But the Globe wants us to know he is involved in a sex scandal. Not his, somebody else's. Italian Prime Minister and first-class human swine Silvio Berlusconi is on trial for paying underage women to have sex with him, and his defense team has put together a very long list of defense witnesses, including Clooney, who says he has only met Berlusconi once.

Berlusconi's lawyers are using the famous tactic: If you can argue a case on the facts, blind them with bullshit.

Who's Nasty and Who's Nice?

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 December 2010

The low rent Examiner, usually in competition with the other Wicked Step Sisters for who can print the most nasty headlines, produces a front cover that is, dare I say it, fair and balanced this week. They have a grab bag story about who is nasty and who is nice, identifying three of each, then they have five pictures of celebrities who they identify inside the magazine. As usual, I didn't open the magazine to find out, but I'll admit I was tempted to do so, and I never want to open up the low rent Examiner.

Here are the three nasty celebrities they identify.

• Dr. Phil McGraw
• Angelina Jolie
• Barbara Walters

I can believe that list.

Here are the three celebrities they identify as nice.

• Angela Lansbury
• Tom Hanks
• George Clooney

Also a believable list.

These are five names they promise to identify inside the magazine as nasty or nice.

• Donald Trump
• Matt Lauer
• Sally Field
• Garth Brooks
• Madonna

Okay, I'm a little curious, but I have a pretty good idea which way each of these goes, at least about the celebrities for whom I actually have formed an opinion.

Love Bird Alert™:George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis heating up AGAIN

Publication: People
Date: 11 October 2010

People has George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis on the cover this week with a headline that repeats information for a cover story in late July.

Gosh, you might think they just do this to put pictures of two pretty people on their cover.

Love Bird Alert™:George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis heating up

Publication: People
Date: 9 August 2010

George Clooney has not been mentioned in the supermarket rags much this year. The silly and low rent Examiner said last January he would be marrying his current flame Elisabetta Canalis, pictured here with Clooney at the premiere of The Fantastic Mr. Fox late last year, but there is nothing like confirmation of that. Now as August approaches, People is saying the relationship is "heating up", but there is still nothing like talk that they are planning to marry.

Love Bird Alert™:George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis heating up

Publication: People
Date: 9 August 2010

George Clooney has not been mentioned in the supermarket rags much this year. The silly and low rent Examiner said last January he would be marrying his current flame Elisabetta Canalis, pictured here with Clooney at the premiere of The Fantastic Mr. Fox late last year, but there is nothing like confirmation of that. Now as August approaches, People is saying the relationship is "heating up", but there is still nothing like talk that they are planning to marry.

Completely Vague Title Alert:Hollywood housekeepers tell all!

Publication: Star
Date: 17 May 2010

Star magazine gives away how the tabloids work this week on the cover. They get a lot of their stuff from housekeepers of famous people.

Yes, the people who pick up crap and get paid crap supplement their crappy salaries by telling crap to crap magazines.

The people who get trash said about them by people who take out their trash are Tori Spelling, George Clooney, Kate Gosselin, Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. The cover also had that cutesy trick of not saying anything specific about anyone, just asking "Who's a hoarder?" and "Who's a cross dresser?"

If you wanna know, buy the magazine your own self.

Completely Vague Title Alert:Hollywood housekeepers tell all!

Publication: Star
Date: 17 May 2010

Star magazine gives away how the tabloids work this week on the cover. They get a lot of their stuff from housekeepers of famous people.

Yes, the people who pick up crap and get paid crap supplement their crappy salaries by telling crap to crap magazines.

The people who get trash said about them by people who take out their trash are Tori Spelling, George Clooney, Kate Gosselin, Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. The cover also had that cutesy trick of not saying anything specific about anyone, just asking "Who's a hoarder?" and "Who's a cross dresser?"

If you wanna know, buy the magazine your own self.

Bell Are Ringing Alert™: George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 04 Jan. 2010

Do you believe George Clooney is giving up the bachelor life? Is this fabulously attractive young woman actually clearly superior to all the fabulous babes he has squired over the past few years?

It's in a supermarket tabloid headline, so it's printed here. Personally, I'll believe it when I see it.