Bells are Ringing Alert™: Wedding #3 for Britney.

Publication: Star
Date: 27 June 2011

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Britney Spears used to be a staple of American gossip, but her act got a little stale. She gets more cover stories than Jennifer Lopez, for example, though J. Lo has had more coverage since she started working on American False Idol. Neither of them gets as many covers as Camilla Parker-Bowles, who gets to play the wicked stepmother to Wills'N'Kate, our new Prince Charming and his beloved.

In any case, Star says Brit is getting married for the third time. These reports were denied earlier this month.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Britney Spears back in shape

Publications: People, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, National Enquirer
Date: 30 May 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Four magazines weigh in about Britney Spears' new weight, which is a lot of magazines. In recent months, four or more cover stories in the same week have meant either weddings (Wills'N'Kate, Reese Witherspoon) or crap about The Bachelor. In any case, here are the headlines.

• People: Britney backstage Exclusive photos
• OK!: Britney: How I lost 20 lbs.
• Weekly Life & Style: Britney's hot body
  her diet secrets
• National Enquirer: Britney's new body shocker!
  How she really lost 30 lbs. in 40 days

This is a telling example of how the Enquirer maintains its lead as the Meanest Gossip Rag In America.

Britney Spears: My new life.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 18 April 2011

Us has an exclusive interview with Britney Spears, who will be touring this summer to promote her new record, or is it the other way around? In any case, Us writes "Britney opens up about what she's learned, life with her boys & whether she'll marry again."

You So Crazy Alert™: Britney's strange behavior.

Publication: OK!
Date: 18 April 2011

Two stories about about Britney Spears on the covers of the supermarket rags this week, which is the first time since December. The other unusual thing is that the negative story is in OK!, which is generally the nicest of the gossip mags. Their headline reads "Britney's strange behavior".

Bun In The Oven Alert™ and No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Yet more drama about the ovaries of the rich and famous.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 11 April 2011

The headline reads BABY DRAMA! and it tells three very different stories.

1. Khloe: heartbroken over not getting pregnant

If you are going to have a multiple baby drama story on the cover of a supermarket rag, it's nearly required one of the stories will be about a Kardashian.

2. Britney: Baby #3 on the way

This story has been denied.

3. Kim Zolciak: Attacked by NeNe, "I fear for my baby"

From what I hear from commenter #1 Karen Zipdrive, NeNe is pretty damned scary.

Damn You Fat Alert™: Stars lose the battle with cellulite.

Publication: Star
Date: 14 March 2011

The word of the week in the supermarket rags is "cellulite". There are two different stories in two different mags featuring the great uncured plague.

The Star rips on many celebrated females for having cellulite this week. There are some "Guess Who?" pictures, but I refuse to play that game. Of the women they name, blow up doll Heidi Montag, is shown to be smooth and over inflated everywhere except for her thighs with the tell tale lumpiness. Obviously, this is not the picture they used.

Kate Gosselin is also shown with a picture emphasizing her cellulite, which yet again is not the picture I'm featuring here.

And just so you don't think the Star is only interested in reality TV stars whose shows are either canceled or being retooled, pop star Britney Spears makes the cover of a supermarket rag for the very first time in 2011 because she has cellulite.

I'm sure she's thrilled.

On the rocks alert:Brit's cry for help

Publication: Star

Date: 20 December 2010

In Touch tells us this week Britney Spears is secretly married, but Star continues the "she got beat up" story that Britney denied last week. The headline says there is an "explosive tape".

An official denial doesn't mean the story is false, but the source the Star used, her husband for one weekend seven years ago Jason Alexander, doesn't inspire confidence. When Britney says they haven't been in touch in years, that is the most believable detail in anybody's story in this whole mess.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:Britney's secret wedding

Publication: In Touch
Date: 20 December 2010

The supermarket rags are in the middle of another Britney Spears fit. Unlike the nearly constant presence of BrAngelina or the Kardashians, the gossip rags will ignore Britney for months at a time, then all the sudden there's a flurry of stories for a few weeks.

Last week, the Star said Jason Trawick beat her. This week, In Touch says they have been secretly married.

If you are wondering whom to believe, I say the safest bet is to believe neither.

On the Rocks Alert:Jason Trawick beat Britney Spears

Publication: Star
Date: 13 December 2010

There are two big stories this week that would be competing for Scoop of the Week, except that both have been shot down before the ink dried on the paper. Star gives most of the cover to a story that Jason Trawick beat Britney Spears when she was pregnant with his child this year. The alleged abuse occurred after Britney accused Jason of cheating on her with a teenager and Britney suffered a black eye. The story continues inside with "shocking texts". As you might already know, it is the policy of this blog to never open a supermarket rag except under the most dire circumstances. I just report on what's on the cover and what I can find online.

The source of the story is Jason Alexander. Not the famous Jason Alexander who was on Seinfeld, but the nobody Jason Alexander Britney married and divorced in the span of a weekend.

GossipCop says it's crap. Britney and her people say she hasn't been in contact with him in years. If you have to choose between Star magazine, Jason Alexander (not the famous one) and GossipCop, trust GossipCop.

Inside Britney's recovery

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 11 October 2010

Early this year, the stories about Britney Spears were mostly negative. Over the past few months, the stories have become more positive and Us Weekly is the leader of the pro-Britney movement. The sub-headlines on this cover story are:

• How her boy's love saved her
• Finally at peace with dad's control... and K-Fed
• Why friends predict she'll get engaged

This is a far cry from earlier in the year when the National Enquirer said she was going to be institutionalized.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:Britney Spears secretly engaged

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 27 September 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow! The last of this week's trash... right now!

According to Us Weekly, Britney Spears is secretly engaged. They don't say to whom, but the boyfriend of record is still agent Jason Trawick.

Early in the year, all the stories said she was a hot mess. Sometime this summer, the mood changed and now most of the stories are that she looks good with few clothes on and she and Jason Trawick are getting along famously.

Completely Vague Title Alert:Britney's New Life

Publication: People
Date: 20 September 2010

People says Britney Spears has a new life. Nothing on the cover makes it clear what is new about it.

Is she going to stop singing and dancing? Is she going to stop being a pathetic drunk?

I kind of hope it's both.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Best and Worst Beach bodies

Publication: Star
Date: 13 September 2010

Star goes with a best and worst beach body cover, though most of the bad bodies are given the "Guess who?" treatment, and I refuse to guess or look inside to see who they are ragging on. Among the named people, there's a shot of Britney Spears in a bikini and one of her and Jason Trawick frolicking together, and also photos of Lady Gaga, who looks good, and Kat Von D., who looks odd to me with all her ink, but I'm an old fart. They also have a rear view picture of Kim Kardashian, which I'm assuming is intended for the connoisseurs of the big butt, 'cos that's what little Kim has got, in spades and trump.

Love Bird Alert™:Britney's romantic getaway

Publication: OK!
Date: 13 September 2010

OK! magazine, home of the Sugar Coated Whopper, had Britney and Jamie Lynn Spears planning a double wedding as of last week. Publicists denied it, so OK! scales things back. Now, Britney and boyfriend Jason Trawick are having a romantic getaway, trying mostly to get away from lying supermarket rags, as far as I can tell.

Bad Help Alert:Celebrity assistants tell all

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 6 September 2010

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Who are the sources for trash about celebrities? Sometimes it's a bitter family member, but the Star tells us that the personal assistants are often the ones who can't keep their traps shut. This is one of those grab bag stories, where a bunch of pictures are shown on the cover and juicy gossip tidbits are thrown out, but if you want to know what person is connected to what tidbit, you have to buy the magazine.

As a point of honor, I refrain from buying the magazine.

Here are the mentioned celebrities in alphabetical order: Katie Holmes, Kourtney Kardashian and her baby Mason, Robert Pattinson, Tyler Perry, Tori Spelling, Britney Spears.

Here are the secrets in no particular order.

• Who sleeps with the help?
• Who manscapes?
• Who is a sext addict?
• Who makes calls on the toilet?
• Who has leaking implants?
• Who scores girls for staffer?

I have no idea what name goes with what salacious tidbit. My only hope is that Tyler Perry is not the one with the leaking implants.

P.S. My sister Jen, who has friends in the movie business, told me years ago she had it on good authority that a big headlining star had a young woman on set whose only job appeared to be Giving Special Service That Men Like. She got listed in the credits as "Assistant to _____ ______". Whenever I see one of those credits, I wonder exactly what that person did.

The star was Bruce Willis.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:Double wedding for Britney and Jamie Lynn

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 September 2010

Last week, OK! magazine had Jamie Lynn Spears back together with her baby daddy Casey Aldridge. This week, the headlines trumpet there will be a double wedding, Jamie Lynn and Casey walking down the aisle as the opening act, with big sister Britney tying the knot with Jason Trawick as the headliner.

The story has already been denied by publicists.

This story is very typical of OK!, far and away the nicest of the supermarket rags. They tell positive stories about people getting married and having babies and the like, but the stuff is complete fabrication, like their several weeks of trumpeting that Jennifer Aniston was having a baby when all she was doing was publicity for a movie where her character had a baby. It's almost as if OK! is aiming for a demographic that can't tell fantasy from reality.

Completely Vague Title Alert:Britney seeks out creepy ex

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 5 July 2010

Britney seeks out creepy ex? Could you be a little more specific, please?

Completely Vague Title Alert:Britney seeks out creepy ex

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 5 July 2010

Britney seeks out creepy ex? Could you be a little more specific, please?

Bad Help Alert:Former bodyguard says Britney is always nekkid

Publication: In Touch
Date: 28 June 2010

A new label was created this week, the Bad Help Alert. This label is for stories that have sources that are employees, like maids and bodyguards. There have already been several stories like this so far in 2010, and I went back and put labels on as many as I could find.

This week, a former bodyguard says Britney Spears was always walking around naked, trying to seduce him.

So this guy was actually complaining about one of the perks of the job? I'm confused.

Bad Help Alert:Former bodyguard says Britney is always nekkid

Publication: In Touch
Date: 28 June 2010

A new label was created this week, the Bad Help Alert. This label is for stories that have sources that are employees, like maids and bodyguards. There have already been several stories like this so far in 2010, and I went back and put labels on as many as I could find.

This week, a former bodyguard says Britney Spears was always walking around naked, trying to seduce him.

So this guy was actually complaining about one of the perks of the job? I'm confused.