Least interesting cover story of the week: Larry King insults Anderson Cooper

Publication: Globe
Date: 28 March 2011

Yet another cover story in the Globe with no artwork. Larry King, man no longer on TV, insults Anderson Cooper, man still on TV. It's the first day of Spring and it's the first mention of either of these people on any supermarket rag in 2011.

Seriously, who cares?

On the Rocks Alert:Larry King's $172,000,000 divorce

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 7 June 2010

Just last month, this was a $150,000,000 divorce, now it's $172,000,000. I guess this means the economy's improving.

In other legitimate sources, there has been talk of reconciliation since the papers were filed.

The royal wedding is being called the Wedding of the Century, even though it won't cost a fourth as much money as this brouhaha. No one is calling this the Divorce of the Century, largely because it doesn't hold a candle to the money that will change hands if Oprah actually has to show someone the door.

This reminds an old person with poor taste like me of an old joke in poor taste.

Q:Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
A: Because they are worth it.

On the Rocks Alert:Larry King's $172,000,000 divorce

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 7 June 2010

Just last month, this was a $150,000,000 divorce, now it's $172,000,000. I guess this means the economy's improving.

In other legitimate sources, there has been talk of reconciliation since the papers were filed.

The royal wedding is being called the Wedding of the Century, even though it won't cost a fourth as much money as this brouhaha. No one is calling this the Divorce of the Century, largely because it doesn't hold a candle to the money that will change hands if Oprah actually has to show someone the door.

This reminds an old person with poor taste like me of an old joke in poor taste.

Q:Why are Jewish divorces so expensive?
A: Because they are worth it.

On the Rocks Alert times five:The Examiner rehashes old stories and hopes you won't notice.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 10 May 2010

There is a pattern in the Examiner to have a single headline carry multiple sub-stories. We've had the secrets of country and western music stars, the troubles with the law of celebrity kids, the standard "who's gay and who's not stuff" in the past few months, and now we have a bunch of celebrity divorces and break-ups under a single banner headline. Everything in this story has been published someplace else already, but the Examiner is hoping its older readers will have not seen all these before or maybe they have and they've just forgotten.

• Good Catholic Mel Gibson divorced his wife for a hot Russian chick, and he's already given her the bootski
• Richard Chamberlain has left the man he has lived with since Nixon was president
• Susan Sarandon has a hot new boy toy
• Melissa Ethridge and her wife are calling it quits
• Larry King had sex with his wife's sister

If you know you've already heard all these things before, you are obviously not the target market for the Examiner. They can wait, of course. Eventually you will not be able to eat solid food, and then the Examiner will be chock full of news you can use.

On the Rocks Alert times five:The Examiner rehashes old stories and hopes you won't notice.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 10 May 2010

There is a pattern in the Examiner to have a single headline carry multiple sub-stories. We've had the secrets of country and western music stars, the troubles with the law of celebrity kids, the standard "who's gay and who's not stuff" in the past few months, and now we have a bunch of celebrity divorces and break-ups under a single banner headline. Everything in this story has been published someplace else already, but the Examiner is hoping its older readers will have not seen all these before or maybe they have and they've just forgotten.

• Good Catholic Mel Gibson divorced his wife for a hot Russian chick, and he's already given her the bootski
• Richard Chamberlain has left the man he has lived with since Nixon was president
• Susan Sarandon has a hot new boy toy
• Melissa Ethridge and her wife are calling it quits
• Larry King had sex with his wife's sister

If you know you've already heard all these things before, you are obviously not the target market for the Examiner. They can wait, of course. Eventually you will not be able to eat solid food, and then the Examiner will be chock full of news you can use.

Larry King is a sex freak!

Publication: In Touch

Date: 3 May 2010

Do you now find your eyes burn a little? Reading the headline has been known to have that effect on some people.

As unpleasant as it might be to look at that collection of letters, it was twice as painful to have to type it.

On the rocks update:Larry King's $150 million divorce explodes

Publication: Globe

Date: 3 May 2010

The word "explodes" here is vague, and possibly intentionally so.

If a divorces "explodes", does that mean it's off or it's so on, it's like totally on?

There have been some noises made about re-conciliation in the actual press.

Leaving the Love Boat™:Larry King files for divorce

Publication: TMZ online

Date: 14 Apr. 2010

I'm already calling People magazine The Gold Standard, which is too bad, because I now realize there is something much, much better, but it's not a supermarket rag. The website TMZ is the most reliable source of gossip available because they actually put links to court documents.

We've had the word "divorce" thrown around a lot of times in the past few months, but divorce is a legal matter and a record of it has to be made public. Larry King is divorcing his wife Shawn. They were married since 1997, which means she was the first of his wives to last more than ten years. When they married, he was 66 and she was 34, so the Sophisticated French Rule (half your age plus seven) was broken.

I've seen people online complain about how sleazy TMZ is, but in truth the website is head and shoulders above any other source I've seen because they back their stuff up IN WRITING. Because of this unique approach, I am giving them the new nickname of The Paper Trail, and I recommend my readers take what they read on TMZ more seriously than other gossip sources, especially when they produce court documents.

Hey Old Timer Gossip Alert, with a whiff of Hairdresser: Hot Hollywood Gossip! (Not really)

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

If there is a weekly competition for most out of touch tabloid, the Examiner has to be the winner this week. Here are the people in the mishmash of stories they entitled HOT HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP! In a sub headline, they include "Gay rumors!", though they didn't say who and I didn't care enough to look.

The closest thing to hot Hollywood gossip is a rumor that Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn are breaking up. They've never married, but they have been together 27 years, so if true, this would qualify as a news story.

They have some gossip about Larry King. He broadcasts from Los Angeles, so he kind of counts as Hollywood gossip, but if it's anything like earlier gossip about him, I don't want to know.

There's gossip about Sarah Palin. This could qualify as hot, but not Hollywood.

Bea Arthur. Hollywood, yes, hot, no. A dead mid-level celebrity cannot create hot gossip. Digging up trash on Sinatra, maybe that qualifies. Digging up trash on Bea Arthur... dude. Not even.

On The Rocks alert: Larry and Shawn King

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 04 Jan 2010

According to the front page of The Flagship, Larry King had sex with his wife's sister.

Before I started this blog, I had every hope that I would go to my grave having never typed the words "Larry King had sex".

Pray for me.