Missed deadline alert: Whitney Houston is still alive.

Whitney Houston is not the most popular hot mess in the tabloids in the past few years. She trails Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan and several Teen Moms in that category. But she is among the youngest people slated for death multiple times. (Casey Anthony has been called suicidal and recently "marked for death", so she's now the youngest.) Last July, the Enquirer had a story that one of her "friends" said she would be dead within months. Technically, we will all be dead within months, hopefully several hundred months. But I decided that "within months" should be construed as "less than a year", and by that interpretation, she has outlived a tabloid deadline.

When it comes to deadlines, the vultures of the tabloids are just as incompetent as they are at predicting deaths in general. The only win was a story saying this year would be the last birthday for Miss Elizabeth Taylor. The next closest thing was saying Elizabeth Edwards had six months to live when she actually survived for eight months. Everyone else on the expiration list is still alive. This is their seventh failure, which gives them a batting average of .125, a number that officially sucks eggs.

Missed deadline alert: Whitney Houston is still alive.

Whitney Houston is not the most popular hot mess in the tabloids in the past few years. She trails Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan and several Teen Moms in that category. But she is among the youngest people slated for death multiple times. (Casey Anthony has been called suicidal and recently "marked for death", so she's now the youngest.) Last July, the Enquirer had a story that one of her "friends" said she would be dead within months. Technically, we will all be dead within months, hopefully several hundred months. But I decided that "within months" should be construed as "less than a year", and by that interpretation, she has outlived a tabloid deadline.

When it comes to deadlines, the vultures of the tabloids are just as incompetent as they are at predicting deaths in general. The only win was a story saying this year would be the last birthday for Miss Elizabeth Taylor. The next closest thing was saying Elizabeth Edwards had six months to live when she actually survived for eight months. Everyone else on the expiration list is still alive. This is their seventh failure, which gives them a batting average of .125, a number that officially sucks eggs.

Missed deadline alert: Whitney Houston is still alive.

Whitney Houston is not the most popular hot mess in the tabloids in the past few years. She trails Charlie Sheen, Lindsay Lohan and several Teen Moms in that category. But she is among the youngest people slated for death multiple times. (Casey Anthony has been called suicidal and recently "marked for death", so she's now the youngest.) Last July, the Enquirer had a story that one of her "friends" said she would be dead within months. Technically, we will all be dead within months, hopefully several hundred months. But I decided that "within months" should be construed as "less than a year", and by that interpretation, she has outlived a tabloid deadline.

When it comes to deadlines, the vultures of the tabloids are just as incompetent as they are at predicting deaths in general. The only win was a story saying this year would be the last birthday for Miss Elizabeth Taylor. The next closest thing was saying Elizabeth Edwards had six months to live when she actually survived for eight months. Everyone else on the expiration list is still alive. This is their seventh failure, which gives them a batting average of .125, a number that officially sucks eggs.

Non scoop of the week! O.J. Simpson confesses the murders to Oprah!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 4 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! The Enquirer says a "pal" of O.J.'s has reported that O.J. confessed to the murders from seventeen years ago when he talked recently to Oprah Winfrey.

It's complete horseshit. Oprah denies it up and down.

When you think that those murders happened seventeen years ago, do you feel a little old? Yeah, me too.

Missed deadline alert: Miss Aretha Franklin is still alive.

Six months ago, the National Enquirer started one of their scummy vendettas against Miss Aretha Franklin, quoting a "family insider" that she had pancreatic cancer, a report she steadfastly denies. They said she had six months to live. It's six months later, and the Queen of Soul is still alive and considerably thinner, which is a good thing.

Best wishes to the Queen of Soul, Miss Aretha Franklin, her family and friends, from a devoted fan.

Dancing With The Stars rigged!

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 6 June 2011

The Enquirer goes with a cover story saying Dancing With The Stars is rigged this season, and they put pictures of the finalists Kirstie Alley, Hines Ward and Chelsea Kane on the cover.

Here's the thing. They said the same thing two months ago and predicted the eventual winner would be Kirstie Alley or Kendra Wilkinson, two names well known to the readers of gossip rags.

Hines Ward won. He's not well known to the gossip world, but he's an athlete. Athletes do really well on this show.

This is exactly the type of story I had in mind when I started this blog, a time when the Enquirer expects that everyone has the attention span of a gnat and it will be ignored that their bold prediction of just two months ago was complete horseshit.

Guess what, Enquirer? I don't have the attention span of a gnat. I publish on the Internet, where nothing ever completely disappears down the memory hole.

The Enquirer prints lies, guesses and nonsense with astonishing regularity. This blog is here to catch the worst cases.

You're welcome. I'm glad to do it.

Missed deadline alert: Steve Jobs is still alive.

Six weeks ago, the National Enquirer wrote that Steve Jobs of Apple had six weeks to live. Here it is, six weeks and one day later and Mr. Jobs is still alive. Steve joins Dick Clark, Michael Douglas and Bill Clinton as the folks still alive after a prediction of death in a given time. Last year, Elizabeth Edwards also missed a deadline but died about two months after the predicted time. The only correct deadline prediction so far in 2010 and 2011 is Miss Elizabeth Taylor, when the Globe said her birthday in February 2011 would be her last.

Recall that the Enquirer was given a lot of credit a few years back when they predicted Michael Jackson had six months to live and he died before that deadline was up. Like most folks with "correct" predictions of this nature, there is a lot of guesswork going on and they expect we won't recall the mistakes.

This blog exists to make sure the mistakes get a full airing.

Best wishes to Steve Jobs, his family and friends, from a blogger writing on a Mac.

Missed deadline alert:Michael Douglas is still alive

The mangy dogs in the AMI kennel, including the somewhat independent cur the Star, were absolutely convinced that Michael Douglas would die from cancer and right soon. Three months ago, the Enquirer gave Douglas three months to live. These mags get this stuff wrong a lot, though they are always glad to take credit when they get one right, like Michael Jackson a few years back.

Best wishes to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Missed deadline alert:Elizabeth Edwards is still alive

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 26 April 2010

Six months ago, the Flagship said Elizabeth Edwards had six months to live. Yet again, a deadline for death has come and gone in the tabloids.

The two people who have lived past a predicted expiration date this year, Dick Clark and Elizabeth Edwards, both have serious health concerns documented in reliable news sources. I publish these admittedly morbid reminders not to mock their situations, but to show that the tabloids really suck at prediction, and the ones who predict death the most often, the Enquirer, Globe and Examiner, a.k.a the Three Wicked Step Sisters, suck more than most.

Best wishes to Elizabeth Edwards.

National Enquirer's big fail this year:Lying about a pregnant woman

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 12 July 2010

There is almost nothing I hate more than Scientology. Given that, I have no love for John Travolta and little for his wife Kelly Preston.

But I hate the liars at the National Enquirer even more.

There is a published account that says the couple are concerned about miscarriage. Given that Ms. Preston is 47, that is a reasonable concern. But the Enquirer has the headline KELLY PRESTON MISCARRIAGE DRAMA! with the sub-headline "Save My Baby!" based on no evidence at all.

If I had my druthers, the headline writers for the Enquirer would be serving jail time instead of Lindsay Lohan. I don't believe in hell, but when I think about these smug safe bastards, understand the appeal of believing in eternal punishment for the worst people in the world.

UPDATE: I have started a new label, The Meanest Story of the Week, and the Enquirer is this week's winner.

National Enquirer's big fail this year:Lying about a pregnant woman

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 12 July 2010

There is almost nothing I hate more than Scientology. Given that, I have no love for John Travolta and little for his wife Kelly Preston.

But I hate the liars at the National Enquirer even more.

There is a published account that says the couple are concerned about miscarriage. Given that Ms. Preston is 47, that is a reasonable concern. But the Enquirer has the headline KELLY PRESTON MISCARRIAGE DRAMA! with the sub-headline "Save My Baby!" based on no evidence at all.

If I had my druthers, the headline writers for the Enquirer would be serving jail time instead of Lindsay Lohan. I don't believe in hell, but when I think about these smug safe bastards, understand the appeal of believing in eternal punishment for the worst people in the world.

UPDATE: I have started a new label, The Meanest Story of the Week, and the Enquirer is this week's winner.

Love Bird Alert™?:Sandra forgives Jesse

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 June 2010

You might think that the People magazine cover of Sandy and her adorable baby was her ticket out of being the tabloid's favorite Queen of Heartbreak.

You might think that. But you would be wrong.

The Flagship tells us this week that Sandra has forgiven Jesse and the divorce is on hold.

Maybe this is true. Maybe the Enquirer has a source close to Sandra Bullock. The next question is: where the hell was that source when she was taking care of little Louis for three months with nobody knowing it?

Right now, every celebrity tabloid from the AMI kennel (Enquirer, Globe, Examiner, Star) is as reliable about Sandra Bullock news as their sister the Weekly World News is when reporting on two-headed Bigfoot sightings.

Love Bird Alert™?:Sandra forgives Jesse

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 June 2010

You might think that the People magazine cover of Sandy and her adorable baby was her ticket out of being the tabloid's favorite Queen of Heartbreak.

You might think that. But you would be wrong.

The Flagship tells us this week that Sandra has forgiven Jesse and the divorce is on hold.

Maybe this is true. Maybe the Enquirer has a source close to Sandra Bullock. The next question is: where the hell was that source when she was taking care of little Louis for three months with nobody knowing it?

Right now, every celebrity tabloid from the AMI kennel (Enquirer, Globe, Examiner, Star) is as reliable about Sandra Bullock news as their sister the Weekly World News is when reporting on two-headed Bigfoot sightings.

Tabloid fail alert: Tiger Woods NOT spotted at sex rehab clinic

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 Feb. 2010

The Flagship proudly claimed EXCLUSIVE PHOTOS of Tiger Woods at a sex addict rehab clinic in Mississippi, but X17online.com show the picture of a black guy in a Stanford cap that really looks nothing like Tiger.

So the "we always check our stories" National Enquirer gets the first FAIL label of the year. I could give it to the Weekly World News, but I would only be able to do that if someone can prove it was really Michael Jackson who was found dead last year. Could be a massive hoax, you never know.