Why do you seek the living among the dead alert: Bin Laden is still alive and America's got him, say top TV newsman.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 30 May 2011

The gossip rags are still going on about Osama Bin Laden, which is to say the dogs in the AMI kennel are still barking about it, more specifically the mangiest of the dogs, the Sun and the low rent Examiner. The low rent Examiner says that a "top TV newsman" says the elite squad who raided Osama's compound took him alive and are now getting vital intelligence out of him.

Who does the low rent Examiner consider a "top TV newsman"? Glenn Beck, the lunatic conspiracy theorist who even Fox News had to fire.

Stay classy, low rent Examiner!

Weekly World News alert: Princess Diana is alive and hiding in the U.S.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 2 May 2011

After going far afield to do an End of the World story last week, the Weekly World News is back to doing what they do best, making up preposterous crap about dead people.

Princess Di is alive, hiding in the U.S. and will only be able to watch her son's wedding on basic cable, assuming she can afford it.

Weekly World News alert:Elvis coma shocker!

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 31 January 2011

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow. Last trash of the week... right now!

Elvis is still alive. He's been in a coma for, what? 34 years now? No wonder Lisa Marie is such a mess.

Oh, wait! It's the Weekly World News! We are even supposed to believe this stuff. It's completely made up!

Well, that's a load of my mind.

Why do you seek the living among the dead alert:Elvis' body is gone

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 18 October 2010

The Weekly World News has been hit or miss this year. Way too many stories about the World's Fattest Cat for my taste. But this week, another saint has ascended bodily into heaven, and that would be the favorite son of the South, Elvis Aaron Presley.

That's two weeks in a row for the WWN. Keep up the good work, fellas.

Why do you seek the living among the dead alert:Guess where Michael Jackson was seen alive!

Publication: Sun
Date: 13 September 2010

I hate guessing games. I wish the Sun would just tell us where he was seen alive.

But then again, believing anything you read in the Sun is a pretty sure sign you don't deserve to be carrying around enough money to buy a copy of the Sun.