Bun in the oven alert™?: Joran van der Sloot gets a girl pregnant in jail!

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 July 2011

The last Joran van der Sloot update was back in April, but this week the Globe tells us her has gotten a girl pregnant while in jail in Peru. They also identify his as "Natalee's killer", a reasonable assumption but not a thing ever proved in court.

The Globe is proud that this is a "world exclusive". Of course, when you make stuff up, it's easier to have world exclusives.

He Fought The Law Alert™: Joran and his dad hid Natalee's Body in a Tomb.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 April 2011

When Joran van der Sloot was captured in Peru last year, the Enquirer and People put him on the cover, identifying him as Natalee Holloway's likely killer. Since then, the only magazine that has mentioned Natalee has been the Enquirer. This week, they say van der Sloot's dad was complicit in hiding the evidence. Here are the sub-headlines.

• Tossed her body in a corpse filled casket
• FBI finds murder details on his computer
  

Last June, the Enquirer said they had found her grave. That was a lie. In November, they said she was buried alive. No evidence there either, but that has never stood in the way of the Enquirer when there is a grisly story to be told.

They fought the law alert™: The low rent Examiner goes on a crime spree.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 21 March 2011

The low rent Examiner goes with three different crime stories taking up most of the cover. First of all, they say Joran van der Sloot, who they call "Natalee's killer", could go free.

Stranger things have happened, but don't count on it.

They also say JonBenet's "confessed killer" is starting a JonBenet cult. The quotations around the phrase confessed killer are from the cover story.

The last headline concerns Kyron Harmon, an Oregon boy who went missing last year and whose stepmother was accused of a murder for hire plot against Kyron's dad.

The headline reads "Did Kyron's evil stepmom get away with murder?"

He fought the Law alert:Joran van der Sloot slashes guard

Publication: Globe
Date: 14 February 2011

It's been two months since we got any updates on Joran van der Sloot! Where does the time go?

Anyway, he's still in jail in Peru, but now he slashed a guard.

I joined a dead pool for the first time this year, where you get points for correctly predicting who will die in 2011. All the people on my list are those who have been slated for death by the tabloids last year. Joran is one of the forty on my list, and of all of them, I won't feel even a tiny bit bad if I'm right about him.

He fought the Law alert:Joran van der Sloot threaten's to kill Natalee's mom

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 13 December 2010

It's been six months since Joran van der Sloot was arrested in Peru for murder. When that news first broke, both the National Enquirer and People put him on the front cover. Since then, all the cover stories have been in the Three Wicked Stepsister tabloids, the low rent Examiner, the Globe and The Flagship Enquirer. According to them, he has escaped, attempted suicide, confessed to Natalee Holloway's murder, gotten married, contracted AIDS, given the police in Aruba vital information and done a LOT of drugs. These three magazines have made Joran a bigger supermarket gossip star than Jennifer Lopez or Whitney Houston this year.

Now he has threatened to kill Natalee's mom, which is tough to pull off when he's in a jail cell in Peru and she lives in Alabama.

I get the feeling they won't let go of this story until he dies in prison, and even then they'll tell tales of his ghost haunting people.

Dig up a corpse, why don'tcha?Natalee Holloway was buried alive

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 6 December 2010

The Flagship continues with the charade that they have inside information about Natalee Holloway's murder that actual legitimate news organizations don't have or won't publish. Last week a jawbone was found, but dental records say it wasn't Natalee's. The Flagship says that more bodies were found, which is true, but the grim details of how she died are only known to the man who killed her, who nearly everyone believes is Joran van der Sloot, and if he is giving information, it isn't very reliable.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:Joran's suicide attempt

Publication: Globe
Date: 22 November 2010

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of this week... right now!

The Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids have been steadily covering the Joran van der Sloot story ever since he was arrested in Peru about five months ago. This week, the Globe tells us he tried to commit suicide with drugs. For a guy stuck in a squalid cell in a foreign country, he certainly leads an eventful life.

Joran's jailhouse drug deal

Publication: Globe
Date: 25 October 2010

Joran van der Sloot stories keep bouncing around the Three Wicked Step Sister blogs. Now he's buying drugs in prison!

Wow. I didn't think that was possible.

Wait a second. I watched all five seasons of The Wire, so I'm actually sure that's possible.

What was it I really wanted to say?

Oh, yeah. I didn't think that was news.

He fought the Law alert:Natalee's killer escapes! (Not really.)

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 11 October 2010

Yet again, the Enquirer headline writers take a grain of truth and turn it into a dust storm of lies. The headline says that Joran Van Der Sloot escaped from prison, when the story inside says he tried to escape and failed.

Remember that with Al Gore and John Edwards, the Enquirer headline writers were certain they were going to jail. They also had Rush Limbaugh heading for the hoosegow back during his during his drug buying jamboree. Now, they have someone escaping jail instead, but in point of fact, all these stories were massive exaggerations.

Which is to say, lies, lies, lies, lies.

He fought the Law alert:Natalee's killer confesses

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 27 September 2010

When Joran van der Sloot was arrested in Peru back in June, both the National Enquirer and People covered the story. The Enquirer made it a headline for several weeks in a row with promises that Natalee Holloway's body had been found. That has not taken place yet.

Now, the story is in the low rent Examiner, yet another example of that magazine using the hand me downs from the most important of the Three Wicked Step Sisters.

Joran van der Sloot's sick jailhouse party

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 September 2010

The Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids want to make sure we are completely up-to-date on all the exciting events on Joran van der Sloot social calendar now that he is stuck in a Peruvian prison, possibly for the rest of his life. So far, we have been told that he is at risk for AIDS, he's had a secret wedding and now a sick jailhouse party.

Though I wouldn't trade places with him, it's fair to say he has a more active social schedule than I do. Of course, he's a psycho killer and I'm a blogger, so I guess that's to be expected.

He fought the Law alert:Joran's jailhouse wedding

Publication: Globe
Date: 12 July 2010

Now that I understand the business of the tabloids a little better after six months' study, I'm going to call the Enquirer, Globe and Examiner the Three Wicked Stepsisters. The Globe and Examiner take turns with a lot of their recurring stories, and sometimes the Enquirer will be the first source on a story and when they are finished with it, the Globe and Examiner fight over the crumbs.

This appears to be the case with Joran van der Sloot. The Enquirer made him a cover boy three times in June, but the Examiner also had a story about him last week and the Globe takes a shot this week. Their story is about a jailhouse wedding. I don't know if this means some weird girl who writes letters to prisoners has won his heart or some guy already in the slammer in Peru spent two cartons of American cigarettes to have exclusive rights to Joran's narrow ass.

I kinda hope it's the latter, but a sub-headline said something about a baby, so it's probably the former if it isn't just the standard tabloid pack of lies, also a distinct possibility.

He fought the Law alert:Joran's jailhouse wedding

Publication: Globe
Date: 12 July 2010

Now that I understand the business of the tabloids a little better after six months' study, I'm going to call the Enquirer, Globe and Examiner the Three Wicked Stepsisters. The Globe and Examiner take turns with a lot of their recurring stories, and sometimes the Enquirer will be the first source on a story and when they are finished with it, the Globe and Examiner fight over the crumbs.

This appears to be the case with Joran van der Sloot. The Enquirer made him a cover boy three times in June, but the Examiner also had a story about him last week and the Globe takes a shot this week. Their story is about a jailhouse wedding. I don't know if this means some weird girl who writes letters to prisoners has won his heart or some guy already in the slammer in Peru spent two cartons of American cigarettes to have exclusive rights to Joran's narrow ass.

I kinda hope it's the latter, but a sub-headline said something about a baby, so it's probably the former if it isn't just the standard tabloid pack of lies, also a distinct possibility.

He Fought The Law Alert™:Inside the twisted mind of Joran van der Sloot

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 5 July 2010

The Examiner doesn't do that much investigation into true crime stories, especially true crimes that happened this century. They are more interested in who killed JFK or Natalie Wood. This week, they follow the lead of The Flagship and give valuable cover space to the story of Joran van der Sloot, confessed murderer of a young woman in Peru and prime suspect in the murder of Natalee Holloway five years ago in Aruba.

He Fought The Law Alert™:Inside the twisted mind of Joran van der Sloot

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 5 July 2010

The Examiner doesn't do that much investigation into true crime stories, especially true crimes that happened this century. They are more interested in who killed JFK or Natalie Wood. This week, they follow the lead of The Flagship and give valuable cover space to the story of Joran van der Sloot, confessed murderer of a young woman in Peru and prime suspect in the murder of Natalee Holloway five years ago in Aruba.

He Fought The Law Alert™:Joran van der Sloot AIDS shocker!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 July 2010

The Flagship has Joran van der Sloot on the cover for the third week in a row. The cover headline is vague. There are no independent confirmations or even rumors that he is HIV positive, but if he stays incarcerated in Peru, the prisons there have nearly non-existent health care and high levels of tuberculosis and AIDS infection.

More wishful thinking on the part of the Enquirer, whose editors are always willing to jump very long distances to get to a conclusion.

He Fought The Law Alert™:Joran van der Sloot AIDS shocker!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 5 July 2010

The Flagship has Joran van der Sloot on the cover for the third week in a row. The cover headline is vague. There are no independent confirmations or even rumors that he is HIV positive, but if he stays incarcerated in Peru, the prisons there have nearly non-existent health care and high levels of tuberculosis and AIDS infection.

More wishful thinking on the part of the Enquirer, whose editors are always willing to jump very long distances to get to a conclusion.

Dig up a corpse, why don'tcha?Natalee Holloway's grave found

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 June 2010

This is exactly the reason the National Enquirer is not a serious news publication, no matter how confused the Pulitzer Prize committee got last year. They write that the grave of missing coed Natalee Holloway has been found in Aruba. The Associated Press, an organization that believes in checking sources and prides themselves on accuracy, reported just yesterday that the authorities in Aruba want to talk to Joran van der Sloot, now in custody in Peru for a murder in that country to which he has confessed.

I certainly hope more information can be shed on the Holloway case, but this jumping to conclusions does no one any good. Shame on the editors at the Enquirer for getting this story wrong and the pain they continue to cause.

Dig up a corpse, why don'tcha?Natalee Holloway's grave found

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 28 June 2010

This is exactly the reason the National Enquirer is not a serious news publication, no matter how confused the Pulitzer Prize committee got last year. They write that the grave of missing coed Natalee Holloway has been found in Aruba. The Associated Press, an organization that believes in checking sources and prides themselves on accuracy, reported just yesterday that the authorities in Aruba want to talk to Joran van der Sloot, now in custody in Peru for a murder in that country to which he has confessed.

I certainly hope more information can be shed on the Holloway case, but this jumping to conclusions does no one any good. Shame on the editors at the Enquirer for getting this story wrong and the pain they continue to cause.

Compare and contrast:The Enquirer and People run nearly identical cover stories

Publications: National Enquirer, People
Date: 21 June 2010

I have given the National Enquirer and People the nicknames The Flagship and The Gold Standard, respectively. The Enquirer is the big budget rag in the American Media Inc. stable, which includes the Globe, Sun, National Examiner and Star. Kennel might be a more accurate metaphor. People is owned by Time, Inc., and in general acts like a news magazine with a focus towards celebrity stories.

In general, the Enquirer is meaner and uses more paid informants, while People tends to interview the subjects of their stories, and if those subjects come off looking bad, it's because they get hung on their own quotes. This week, both use the majority of their front covers to discuss the arrest of Joran van der Sloot in Peru for the murder of Stephany Flores Ramirez. He has confessed to this crime already. Van der Sloot was arrested twice in Aruba when Natalee Holloway went missing five years ago and was presumed murdered, and his friends and alibi providers Deepak and Satish Kalpoe were arrested three times each. No one was ever charged with the crime and her body was never found.

Here's the breakdown of the Enquirer cover.

• EXCLUSIVE
  
• Natalee Holloway's suspected killer STRIKES AGAIN!
• DEATH SCENE PHOTOS
• What happened in hotel room
• Why he snapped
• The largest picture is of van der Sloot, with large pictures of the crime scene as well. There are two small pictures of Holloway and Flores.

Here's the take in People of the same basic evidence.

• HOLLOWAY CASE BOMBSHELL
• JUSTICE FOR NATALEE?
• Suspect Joran van der Sloot confesses to a murder in Peru. Will he now tell the
  truth about what really happened in Aruba to the missing American teen?
• The largest picture is of Natalee, with smaller pictures of van der Sloot and Flores. No crime scene shots.

The main difference is the focus on the crime, short catchy phrases versus complete sentences and the use of exclamation points versus question marks. Even when the Flagship does the right thing and calls van der Sloot the suspected killer, they negate that legal nicety by using the phrase "STRIKES AGAIN" in caps. If we want to believe in the law, a difficult proposition in the best of times, there is only one legal entity willing to charge him with murder, and that's Peru, where the evidence against him looks very strong.

And there's the difference between them in a nutshell.