Non scoop of the week! BrAngelina's secret wedding in France!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! In Touch goes with one of the standbys, BrAngelina getting hitched. Actually, the majority of stories saying they have had a secret wedding already have been peddled by In Touch. Just in case they think someone has noticed, on this story they have a special "It's Official!" headline.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think if something the only people allowed to keep things both official and secret are governments.

Here's the rest of the headlines.

• Secret Wedding in France
• Angelina's stunning L'Wren Scott gown and vintage ring
• Brad's emotional vow to his new wife
• The surprising celeb guest!
  

Of course, it's already been denied. If you don't know the name L'Wren Scott, she's the towering designer and love interest of the much older Mick Jagger.

All this week's news about Kim Kardashian and the wedding.

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 27 June 2011

Just in case you are new to this blog and don't understand the pecking order in the supermarket gossip world, here's the basic outline.

The Evil: American Media Inc. (AMI) owns the Enquirer, Star, Globe, National Examiner and Sun. The first four are nasty and the last one is just silly, predicting the end of the world at least four times a year.

The not so evil: The other five supermarket rags are somewhat less nasty. The absolute top of the table is People, and they set trends. The other four, OK!, Weekly Life & Style, In Touch and Us Weekly, are eating the scraps from the table that People leaves behind. There is not one single owner for all five of these magazines, but In Touch and Weekly Life & Style are published by the German consortium Bauer.

People broke the story of Kim Kardashian's engagement in an exclusive. They will likely not mention her again until she walks down the aisle. The other four are all over her large and shapely booty like white on rice. Here are the stories.

• In Touch: Kim & Kris Fight over the wedding
• OK!: Kim sets record straight
  "I did not cheat on Kris"
• Weekly Life & Style: Kim's wedding in crisis
  no date set
  invites on hold
• Us Weekly: Kim & Kris :Our love was tested

As often happens, the stories are pointing in multiple different directions. The only thing that can be relied on in a situation like this is that the story is far from over.

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™ and No Bun In The Oven Alert™: Kim's wedding and pregnancy drama.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 23 May 2011

The Star goes with the headline "Kim's wedding and pregnancy drama!"

Easy rule of thumb. Any time the word drama is used on a gossip rag cover, nothing is actually happening. She's not getting married any time soon and she's not pregnant.

On the rocks alert: Kim K. betrayed before the wedding!

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 April 2011

Welcome back to the Kim Kardashian story! Those of you paying close attention know that her only alleged boyfriend of the year so far is basketball player Kris Humphries. OK!, the nicest of the supermarket rags if not the most reliable, had them moving in together, then planning the Wedding of the Century, both stories last month. No other magazines have gone nearly this far with the story.

So while OK! appears to be alone in inventing this fantasy, it also looks like they've decided to add some drama to it. The Wedding of the Century is off before anyone official ever said it was on! Here are the headlines.

• Kim's worst nightmare
• Kris' ex warns 'He won't go through with it'
• Kris picked out Kim's engagement ring, but she's shattered by a secret that could ruin everything

Will pretty little Kim ever find true happiness? Or is she destined to wander the world alone, that saddest of humankind, the fabulously wealthy and unbelievably hot spinster.

Stay tuned. The only thing I know for certain is... this story isn't over yet.

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™: Scott calls off the wedding.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 April 2011

There was talk in the tabloids about a wedding for Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick earlier this year, but people in the know denied it was true. Now we have Scott calling off the wedding that was never going to happen in the first place. Here are the lying details.

• BATTLE FOR THE BABY
• Kourtney explodes after shameless Scott demands custody of Mason. How greed and jealousy tore them apart.

Love Bird Alert™: Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, heading down the aisle?

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 February 2011

What did the gossip rags do before the invention of Kim Kardashian? Probably talked trash about people who actually make movies or music.

As we know, if little Kim K. is not romantically linked to a professional athlete, there is a definite disturbance in The Force. Her current beau is NBA star Kris Humphries, and as we can see in this shot of them together, he's a big guy and she's teeny tiny.

(Note to Kris: You are going out in public with Kim K. and you can't get even a little dolled up? She's putting in the effort, buddy. You should reciprocate.)

Two different magazines say it's really serious. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kim and Kris: In love living together and planning the wedding
• Us Weekly: Kim K. in love: "I want his baby."

The quote has been verified elsewhere. The wedding planning has been denied.

Bells Aren't Ringing alert™:Cher calls off Wedding #3

Publication: Globe
Date: 20 December 2010

The Globe had no stories in competition for the Meanest Story of the Week this time around, instead opting for a cover filled with Hey Old Timer Gossip. This week, they remind us that Cher is now 64 years old and she has called off her wedding to some stoner looking dude named Ron Zimmerman.

Bells are Ringing Alert™:BrAngelina engaged!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 29 November 2010

Sure, we've had stories about the celebrity small fry heading to the altar. Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey, Prince William, Kate Middleton, etc. But what about the biggest fish in the gossip ocean? What about Sandra Bullock or Jennifer Aniston or the Kardashians or BrAngelina?

This week, the Only Ten Magazines That Matter leave Sandy and Jen alone and perhaps even more surprisingly, have absolutely nothing to say about anyone with the last name Kardashian, but saying nothing about BrAngelina just wasn't an option. In Touch says the couple are finally getting hitched and they have details about the proposal, the ring and the date.

As far as I've heard, no denial has been issued, but it doesn't need to be. BrAngelina has denied this story so many times in the past, it makes sense to say there has been a permanent denial of this story issued. If they change their minds, they will announce it and it will be front page news on every gossip outlet, in print and online.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Kate Middleton is pregnant.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 28 June 2010

Kate Middleton gets a story all by herself on the cover of Star. Think that's a good thing?

No, not so good. Star says the young lady is pregnant. No word as to the identity of the father.

I kid. These are the royals, not guests on Maury Povich.

The headline also says the wedding is on hold.

Make of these three stories what you will.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Kate Middleton is pregnant.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 28 June 2010

Kate Middleton gets a story all by herself on the cover of Star. Think that's a good thing?

No, not so good. Star says the young lady is pregnant. No word as to the identity of the father.

I kid. These are the royals, not guests on Maury Povich.

The headline also says the wedding is on hold.

Make of these three stories what you will.

Bells Aren't Ringing alert™:The royal wedding is off!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 June 2010

If I were to guess, I would venture to say that Wills&Kate are going to become much bigger supermarket stars this summer. Weekly Life & Style, who up until this point haven't said "boo" about the couple, have a small picture and a short headline "The royal wedding is off!"

That's kind of different from the couple eloping, isn't it?

Bells Aren't Ringing alert™:The royal wedding is off!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 June 2010

If I were to guess, I would venture to say that Wills&Kate are going to become much bigger supermarket stars this summer. Weekly Life & Style, who up until this point haven't said "boo" about the couple, have a small picture and a short headline "The royal wedding is off!"

That's kind of different from the couple eloping, isn't it?

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™:Liz getting married - PSYCH!

Publication: Globe

Date: 29 Apr. 2010

What's wrong with this business model? I think Liz Taylor and her handlers set this story up with precise timing to screw with the tabs. She had the announcement of her ninth marriage timed so they could pick up on it several days late, then timed the denial of the story so that anyone who took the bait would have egg on their face and waste valuable cover space.

The dull fish that took the bait was the Globe, the same rag that hired that slumming, need a job bee-yotch Debbie Reynolds, a lady Liz might still want to mess with just because she can.

Do I really think Liz and her people are this good at being devious and vindictive?

Yep. I kinda do.

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™:No ninth marriage for Liz Taylor

Publication: Huffington Post (via Twitter)

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

Well, that didn't take long! Liz Taylor has sent a message out on her nearly dormant Twitter account to say that she deeply loves her manager Jason Winters and they are dear friends, but she has no intention of marrying him.

Until someone comes up with a better theory, and honestly I don't think there is a better theory, I think all this nonsense was just a way to get back at that desperate, low-rent bee-yotch Debbie Reynolds for going to work at the Globe.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.