Buns in the oven alert™: More babies for reality TV moms.

Publication: OK!
Date: 18 July 2011

Welcome back to gossip hell, Kourtney Kardashian! Kim has been the vast majority of Kardashian cover stories in the supermarket rags since she announced her wedding plans, but this week OK! tells us Kourtney is pregnant before her wedding with her second child.

This rumor has been floated many times. We'll see if this one pans out sometime in 2012.

OK! also says Kendra Wilkinson is pregnant with a girl. OK! is the nicest of the gossip rags, but they are not the most reliable.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Kardashians ripped apart by off-camera scandals!

Publication: Star
Date: 4 July 2011

Kourtney and Khloe have been nearly forgotten by the supermarket rags for awhile, even before Kim announced her wedding and sucked all the air out of the room. But this week, Star puts all three on the cover with plenty of dish to go around. Here are the headlines.

• New sex tape
• Custody battle
• Secret pregnancy
• Plus: the truth about their plastic surgery

The custody battle would have to be Kourtney, since she's the only one who has a kid, but the other stories could be about any of the three. You'll have to buy the magazine yourself to find out, since I don't open them up on general principles.

Buns in the oven alert™: Fresh horses for my men and babies for all the Kardashians!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 June 2011

Weekly Life & Style gives most of the cover to all three Kardashian sisters. While Kim is getting married and thereby sucking up most of the oxygen out of the room, Weekly Life & Style tells us the other two are pregnant. Here are the headlines.

• Fertility doctor makes Khloe's baby dream come true
• Kourtney: Another baby before her wedding!
  
  

Best wishes to all concerned, with a proviso that every female Kardashian above the age of consent and younger than the age of menopause has allegedly been pregnant several times in the past eighteen months.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Hot Bodies 2011

Publication: Us Weekly

Date: 6 June 2011

Nothing surprising about good looking celebrities in swimsuits on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. Nothing surprising to see Zac Efron and Kourtney Kardashian featured in such stories. The only slight surprise is to see Carrie Underwood in a bikini for the first time, but not such a surprise that she looks good in one.

Bad mom alert: Mom torments Kardashian sisters over their bodies.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 23 May 2011

In Touch calls out Kris Jenner as a nasty beeyotch ruining the lives of her daughters. Here are the details.

• Kourtney pressured to get Botox to erase crow's-feet
• Khloe delays baby plans for lip after Kris calls her 'fat'
• Kim agrees to a super-sized butt implant to stay famous

Doesn't being famous sound like super fun?

Bells Aren't Ringing Alert™: Scott calls off the wedding.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 April 2011

There was talk in the tabloids about a wedding for Kourtney Kardashian and Scott Disick earlier this year, but people in the know denied it was true. Now we have Scott calling off the wedding that was never going to happen in the first place. Here are the lying details.

• BATTLE FOR THE BABY
• Kourtney explodes after shameless Scott demands custody of Mason. How greed and jealousy tore them apart.

Damn You Skinny Alert™: Kourtney's flat abs secret.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 4 April 2011

It's been nearly a month since Kourtney Kardashian got a mention on the cover of a supermarket rag, but she gets two different ones this week for her two main points of interest, her hotness and her messed up love life. Us Weekly wants you to know her flat ab secret, but when you don't really have a job and have plenty of time to exercise and excellent incentive - like, if you're fat you'll lose your reality show - it's hard to call her success a secret.

Bun In The Oven Alert™ :$3 million baby for Kourtney and Scott

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 7 March 2011

Three different magazines have stories about the reproductive habits and capabilities of the Kardashian sisters who are above the age of legal consent this week. Weekly Life & Style has the someone vague headline "$3 Million baby for Kourtney".

I'm not sure if this means it will cost her $3,000,000 to be pregnant or if she stands to make $3,000,000 if she becomes pregnant. The way that family makes money by selling off their privacy, I'm guessing it's the latter.

Rich people are rich: How Kourtney and Scott blew millions

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 March 2011

Kourtney Kardashian is not as popular a target of the tabloids as her sister Kim, but right now she is in the top ten most popular celebrities of 2011, and so popular that her useless leech of a boyfriend is still in the top ten overall.

In Touch wants us to know how they have wasted millions. I'm gonna go out on a limb and say if they have paid any money for orthodontics for Scott, that is wasted money because the cat NEVER smiles as far as I can tell.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Kourtney and Scott heading down the aisle! Finally! (psych.)

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 February 2011

Two different gossip rags going with the same story, which one of the mags calls an exclusive.

So that's one lie. But the story has to be true, right?

Not according to Kourtney Kardashian, and about this, she should know.

If you still want to read the lying headlines, here they are.

Weekly Life & Style: Why Kourtney finally said yes to Scott

OK!: Kourtney and Scott exclusive
the ring, the kiss, engaged to be married
Biggest Kardashian wedding yet
all the intimate details
How Scott won her trust
"We want another baby"

You have to hand it to OK! This may be a work of fiction, but it's almost long enough to be a novella. You have to admire the handiwork, if not the fact checking.

On the rocks alert: Kourtney betrayed!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 14 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! In Touch makes a Kardashian story their lead cover headline, and it's about trouble and drama. According to them, Scott Disick, baby daddy of Kourtney, is in love with her sister and best friend Kim. The subheadlines include:

• He brags about hookups
• He's obsessed with her body
• Kim has been leading him on for months

Doing online research for this silly little blog, I read a quote from some wag who said "the 's' in Disick is silent."

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:Kourtney and Scott's engagement details!

Publication: OK!
Date: 14 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! This week, there's a triple dose of Kardashian goodness, so let's start with the sisters. OK! as usual has a brief headline for any story that isn't their main story, and they have a story about the engagement of Kourtney Kardashian and her boyfriend Scott Disick, which was confirmed on an episode of the reality show Kourtney does with sister Kim.

Here's where I usually write best wishes to the happy couple, but I think I'll wait. Look at the story above for the reason.

Kardashians sued for $75 million!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 24 January 2011

Weekly Life & Style has gone with a story already confirmed in other news outlets that a company that markets a pre-loaded debit card has sued the Kardashian sisters for breach of contract. They had their picture put on the product and consumer watchdogs screamed that the card was a rip-off. The company claims its fees are on the low to average side of this business and are going after the girls for all the bad publicity.

From what I seen about pre-loaded debit cards, even the low to average fees are pretty damn ridiculous.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Stars lose weight (and you should,too.)

Publication: OK!
Date: 10 January 2011

The tabloids know the holidays are over and a lot of the readers in line at the supermarkets are thinking about how to lose the pounds. And who could be more inspiring to dieters than women with no jobs other than to look good?

According to OK!, Kourtney lost 45 pounds.

And Kendra lost 15 pounds.

And now, Bachelorette Ali has her flattest abs ever.

To be all mathematically precise, her abs aren't really flat, but more bumpy.

But bumpy in a good way.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:How Kourtney stays thin

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 3 January 2011

Merry Christmas from It's News 2 Them™! Today, we'll just go with the positive stories.

The most positive story any celebrity can get in a gossip rag is one that says he or she looks good wearing very little clothing. Kourtney Kardashian has had several of these in 2010, which is always a step up from any story that mentions her scummy boyfriend.

Buns In The Oven Alert™:Kardashian holiday miracle!

Publication: OK!
Date: 27 December 2010

It's a Kardashian holiday miracle! Is the holiday Festivus?

OK! goes whole hog Kardashian on the cover, with Kim, Khloe and Kourtney of course, but also greasy hanger-on Scott Disick and the still innocent and adorable toddler Mason. (The picture above is not the OK! cover, but instead the family Christmas card this year. As someone on another website said, it's got kind of a Goodfellas meets Dynasty meets The Addams Family vibe to it.)

The miracle? They're having babies! You have to read inside to find out which ones are having babies, and of course opening a gossip rag is against my principles. They also boast of exclusive pictures of little Mason's first birthday.

Kourtney's first year as a mom

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 December 2010

The year isn't over yet, but the top five headline stars of 2010 pretty much looks set. Sandra Bullock, Jennifer Aniston, BrAngelina, Kim Kardashian and Kourtney Kardashian. Usually, Kourtney is feuding with one of her sisters, or it's all over between her and Scott Disick, or she and Disick are still together because of brainwashing or something. This time, it's just Kourtney and her baby, which is as close to a positive story as she gets.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:Kourtney's engaged (official)

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 December 2010

A week in the supermarket rags without some Kardashian dish? I highly goddamn doubt it.

In Touch says "it's official!" this week. In Touch says a lot of stuff and most of it bad about Scott Disick.

Reliable online gossip sources like GossipCop.com say the story is they would only get married for the money they could make on gifts. If that were the case, why would people come to the wedding knowing that? Or why wouldn't they come for some free food and booze, then bug out without leaving a gift?

It might be true, but it looks more like a rumor and there's no way it's "official". In Touch gets a fail label for this one.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:A split among the Kardashians

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 22 November 2010

Last week there were no Kardashian stories on the covers of any of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter. Obviously, that was just a statistical anomaly. Weekly Life & Style says there is a rift in the family. Kim, technically the only Kardashian sister not in a relationship, is growing apart from her sisters, who need to spend more time with their families. Kim had a fight with Khloe, and WL&S quotes Kim as saying "Things have changed forever."

On the rocks alert:Kourtney breaks free with a revenge romance

Publication: In Touch
Date: 8 November 2010

The Star says Kourtney and Scott eloped, In Touch says she finally dumped him, with help from the family. She's now dating some Miami runway model and they have great chemistry.

Only one thing is certain. When two gossip rags point in completely different directions, the story is nowhere near over. Of course, that's no surprise here, since tabloid publicity is like oxygen to the Kardashian girls, and the tabloids love to tell their story.