Meanest Story nominee: Obama birth certificate is a fake!

Publication: Globe
Date: 16 May 2011

Now begins the "afterbirther" era, and the Globe wants to be in the forefront. The long form birth certificate released last week is a FAKE! Here are the sub-headlines.

• File number is fake
• Inside: five more signs of fraud
• Trump: what else is president hiding?

So the Globe is hoping to take the money of the small minority of people who just can't believe a black man can be president except by fraud and subterfuge. As the comedian Ron White likes to remind us, "You can't fix stupid."

The is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Birther Crap: Obama's meltdown over Trump as birth certificate scandal explodes!

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 May 2011

It's hard to be in the Top Tem most popular celebrities if you are only going to get mentioned in the five tabloids in the AMI kennel, the Enquirer, Globe, Star, Sun and the low rent Examiner, but there is one person in both the all time Top Ten and the 2011 Top Ten who can make that claim.

Barack Hussein Elvis Obama.

This week it's the Globe saying the First Black President is going nuts over the attack from Donald Trump, even though in public, Obama seems pretty cool about it and Trump is the one getting all defensive.

The subheadline reads "Prez terrified of what 'The Donald' has uncovered!"


In reality and behind closed doors, I think Obama is quoting Mayor Clarence Royce of The Wire and his immortal line:

"I get to run against the white boy? Oh, Jesus, please!"

Birther Crap: Donald Trump demands to see Obama's birth certificate.

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 25 April 2011

There are two stories about thick fingered vulgarian Donald Trump in the tabloids published by the AMI kennel this week, and it makes it look like they want him to be the next president. The Enquirer publishes some completely fabricated bullshit about his "tough childhood", while the low rent Examiner gets on the birther bandwagon and prints Trump's demands to see Barack Hussein Tommy Flanagan Obama's real birth certificate.

The sub-headline asks "Does it say the word Muslim?"

Currently, Trump is riding high in the polls for the Republican nomination, and I have a very hard time seeing this guy succeeding if he actually had to campaign, largely because he's an ugly, fat, old abrasive asshole with less than zero charm and a punchline for a haircut, his only asset being that he's a celebrity from TV.

And then my ever helpful brain gives me two examples.

Governor Jesse Ventura.

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Yes, Americans are this stupid. Whether they are "Trump for President" levels of stupid, only time will tell.

Least interesting cover story of the week: Donald Trump doubts Obama was born in the U.S.A.

Publication: Globe
Date: 4 April 2011

Thick fingered vulgarian Donald Trump shows that he's serious about the Republican nomination for the presidency by hopping aboard the high speed rail to Crazy Town and showing himself to be a birther. This is yet another Globe headline without any picture and so it gets no picture from me and the label Least Interesting Story of the Week.

Actually, any story about Donald Trump that doesn't include a picture is a blessing, isn't it?

Birther Crap for the rest of us: The Weekly World News says Sarah Palin was born in Russia.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 21 March 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! As I have said before, I love the Weekly World News, though they don't reach the heights of hilarity they enjoyed back in the heyday of "Batboy found in cave!" Still, this week they start a silly rumor I would love to see gain traction that former reality TV star Sarah Palin was born in Russia and therefore ineligible to become president of the United States.

I am only sorry that my side of the political spectrum is "the reality based contingent" and not inclined to believe flat-out nonsense in droves.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Obama loses 30 pounds worrying about birthplace cover-up!

Publication: Globe
Date: 24 January 2011

If we are to believe the Globe, and that's asking a lot, Barack Hussein MacBeth Obama is being literally consumed by the dark secrets of his past. He has lost 30 pounds worrying that the cover-up of his true birthplace, according to a story on the cover this week.

Of course I think the birther crap is ... well, crap, but I also have a hard time believing that skinny guy could lose 30 pounds and not look like a skeleton.

New congress will begin secret investigation into Obama's birth certificate.

Publication: Globe
Date: 22 November 2010

The Globe writes a story that the new Congress will start a secret investigation into the question of where President Barack Hussein Danno Obama was born. (Hint: Danno is the hint, d'uh!)

I don't actually believe this story. I think the new Congress could start such an investigation but given how well it would play to their idiot base, they wouldn't keep it secret.

It was amusing this Thursday to see the Globe and Sun side by side at DeLauer's newsstand, this story next to the one about clowns getting elected to Congress.

Birther Crap:Why don't you idiots buy the Globe, dammit!

Publication: Globe
Date: 23 August 2010

Three different stories this week about Barack Hussein Adolf Obama in the tabloids this week, but we have to give the top position to the Globe, the magazine that has made the important editorial decision to hate his guts week in and week out. Earlier this year, they were flailing about trying how to cash in on the hatred some Republicans feel for Obama, and finally some genius figured it out.

Publish stories that say Obama wasn't born in the U.S. Do it again and again and who knows, maybe sales will pick up.

This week's details. Obama has a secret life, a phony Social Security number, he's hiding an African family and he did something in a hut they show in a picture.

C'mon, birther idiots! You'll believe anything! Take a good look at Orly Taitz! If this whack job didn't give you a clue that this whole story is horse shit, you have to be dumber than a bag of hair! If you can side with her, why can't you buy the Globe, for pity's sake? The economy is in the toilet because of people like you. If there is anything worse than a cretin, it's a cheap cretin.

Honestly. I'm losing respect for you.

Birther Crap:Why don't you idiots buy the Globe, dammit!

Publication: Globe
Date: 23 August 2010

Three different stories this week about Barack Hussein Adolf Obama in the tabloids this week, but we have to give the top position to the Globe, the magazine that has made the important editorial decision to hate his guts week in and week out. Earlier this year, they were flailing about trying how to cash in on the hatred some Republicans feel for Obama, and finally some genius figured it out.

Publish stories that say Obama wasn't born in the U.S. Do it again and again and who knows, maybe sales will pick up.

This week's details. Obama has a secret life, a phony Social Security number, he's hiding an African family and he did something in a hut they show in a picture.

C'mon, birther idiots! You'll believe anything! Take a good look at Orly Taitz! If this whack job didn't give you a clue that this whole story is horse shit, you have to be dumber than a bag of hair! If you can side with her, why can't you buy the Globe, for pity's sake? The economy is in the toilet because of people like you. If there is anything worse than a cretin, it's a cheap cretin.

Honestly. I'm losing respect for you.

Prophecy Alert™:Can you make a prophecy about something that happened in the past?

Publication: Sun
Date: 23 August 2010

The Sun has another of their prophecy extravaganzas, but they are light on specifics on the cover. Some psychic has a prophecy about where Barack Hussein Fidel Obama was born, which doesn't really seem like a prophecy to me. I'll be fair and mention the prophecy says that this is going to become a real issue in the next three months instead of the crap issue it has been in the heads of the some of the people whose party got poleaxed in the 2008 election.

I did a little predicting of my own a while back as to who would be in the Top Ten of number of supermarket rag cover stories by the end of the year. I didn't think Obama was going to be among them, but there are three stories this week and now 18 stories for the year, putting him currently ahead of early tabloid favorite Elin Nordegren and current tabloid favorites Prince William and Kate Middleton. If he passes Oprah and Kate Gosselin, then we have a clear sign of the End Times.

Prophecy Alert™:Can you make a prophecy about something that happened in the past?

Publication: Sun
Date: 23 August 2010

The Sun has another of their prophecy extravaganzas, but they are light on specifics on the cover. Some psychic has a prophecy about where Barack Hussein Fidel Obama was born, which doesn't really seem like a prophecy to me. I'll be fair and mention the prophecy says that this is going to become a real issue in the next three months instead of the crap issue it has been in the heads of the some of the people whose party got poleaxed in the 2008 election.

I did a little predicting of my own a while back as to who would be in the Top Ten of number of supermarket rag cover stories by the end of the year. I didn't think Obama was going to be among them, but there are three stories this week and now 18 stories for the year, putting him currently ahead of early tabloid favorite Elin Nordegren and current tabloid favorites Prince William and Kate Middleton. If he passes Oprah and Kate Gosselin, then we have a clear sign of the End Times.

Globe repeats itself with the Birther Crap:Obama not born in U.S.

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 August 2010

They said it before and they'll say it again. Barack Hussein Karl Adolf Obama was NOT born in the United States!

If you are crazy or stupid enough to believe this crap, the Globe wants to be your weekly newspaper, and they will keep writing this until you jackasses buy their newspaper. The opinion polls say a lot of people believe this nonsense, a lot more people than the pathetic weekly circulation of this low rent rag.

C'mon, crazy people! Do your part to spur the American economy!

Globe repeats itself with the Birther Crap:Obama not born in U.S.

Publication: Globe
Date: 2 August 2010

They said it before and they'll say it again. Barack Hussein Karl Adolf Obama was NOT born in the United States!

If you are crazy or stupid enough to believe this crap, the Globe wants to be your weekly newspaper, and they will keep writing this until you jackasses buy their newspaper. The opinion polls say a lot of people believe this nonsense, a lot more people than the pathetic weekly circulation of this low rent rag.

C'mon, crazy people! Do your part to spur the American economy!

Birther Crap:Barack Obama not born in U.S.!

Publication: Globe
Date: 12 July 2010

The editors at the Globe finally pulled their collective heads out of their collective asses, a difficult and painful process, and tried their hand at adding one and one.

The first one: They print unsubstantiated lies for a living.

The second one: The most popular unsubstantiated lie around is that Barack Obama wasn't born in the U.S. of A., a lie believed by a lot more people than the dwindling number who buy the Globe on a regular basis.

Voila! This week's cover is all about their new information that blows the whole birther story wide open. They even have a government official who tells all. Maybe they finally got in touch with that guy E.F. Lavender who signed the birth certificate in Kenya!

Except he's a laundry detergent.

Oopsie.

Birther Crap:Barack Obama not born in U.S.!

Publication: Globe
Date: 12 July 2010

The editors at the Globe finally pulled their collective heads out of their collective asses, a difficult and painful process, and tried their hand at adding one and one.

The first one: They print unsubstantiated lies for a living.

The second one: The most popular unsubstantiated lie around is that Barack Obama wasn't born in the U.S. of A., a lie believed by a lot more people than the dwindling number who buy the Globe on a regular basis.

Voila! This week's cover is all about their new information that blows the whole birther story wide open. They even have a government official who tells all. Maybe they finally got in touch with that guy E.F. Lavender who signed the birth certificate in Kenya!

Except he's a laundry detergent.

Oopsie.