The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™: Yet again, the world fails to end on July 4

Publication: Sun
Date: 2 May 2011

Last Easter week, the Sun told us July 4 was the beginning of the end. According to John the Baptist, Satan would appear in Congress and according to Nostradamus, a new plague would be sweeping the United States.

It's July 5 and the major news outlets don't have any such stories, so I'm going to call this another swing and a miss.

More than that, this is a re-hash on the part of the Sun, who said Satan would appear in Congress on July 4, 2010.

It's like they think we aren't paying attention.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™: A 100 day deadline passes with no correct prediction.

Publication: Sun
Date: 14 March 2011

Where does the time go? It was only 100 days ago when the Sun gave us a 100 day prediction of nuclear war, the Second Coming and a sex scandal in the White House. That's a big Oh For Three in the prediction biz, and I'm going to be a stickler and say a sex scandal in the House of Representatives doesn't even count as a foul tip.

Sadly, among the psychics who predicted these non-events was Nikki, Psychic to the Stars!

I hope the Sun doesn't lose faith in her. The hat, the coat and the eyeliner just scream "psychic powers"!

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™: May 21, 2011 passes without a major incident.

This is the twelfth time I've used the label for failed prophecy since the beginning of 2010, but this is only the first time it's actually been a national news story. Dr. Harold Camping fleeced enough of his followers to put billboards up all around the country proclaiming May 21, 2011 as the End of Days and the return of Jesus. Now the day has come and gone and once again Camping has been proven incorrect as he was twice back in the 1990s, back before the Internet was what it is today and his believers were almost entirely confined to the San Francisco Bay Area.

So here's Daddy Warbucks and Little Orphan Annie singing a song and being all positive. As my pal Padre Mickey points out, the people who were caught up in this deserve our sympathy. Some of their lives have been ruined because they believed in a charlatan. The good padre says Christians are also bound to find forgiveness for Dr. Camping, though he admits that is harder.

I'm not a Christian anymore. I agree the followers are in for a hard time and deserve compassion, though I'm not impressed that they were convinced God was going to destroy the earth due to gay rights. On the other hand, the hand that was taking their money, Camping is a scumbag on the level of Donald Trump, and anything bad that happens to him is richly deserved. I do not know his motives other than vanity, but if he can feel shame, let him wallow in it for a while.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™: No sign of an Easter apocalypse.

Publication: Sun
Date: 21 February 2011

Back in February, the Sun told us the stuff to expect in the next 100 days. While the 100 days aren't up yet, they did mention that an apocalypse on Easter would shock the United States.

Well, Easter has come and gone and if there was something shockingly apocalyptic, the lamestream media completely ignored it. Being a heathen Commie bastard who has already lived through ten failed prophecies in the past sixteen months, I'm going to assume that there actually wasn't an apocalypse yesterday.

All of you end of the world fans can take heart that the end of the 100 days on this prophecy coincides with Dr. Harold Camping's specific warning about May 21, 2011, which is less than four weeks away now.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:All the end of 2010 prophecies go bust.

Publication: Sun
Date: 6 December 2010

The Sun published a list of stuff that was slated to happen before the end of the year in an issue that was on the stands this last Thanksgiving. All the predictions were long shots and they didn't get a single one right. Here's the list.

• William visits the White House as king (no visit, not king yet)
• Oprah will marry (oh, no she din't)
• Hillary divorces Bill (it's an old stand-by, but it still hasn't happened)
• Billy Graham reveals God's plan for mankind. (My good pal Padre Mickey says that all Christian preachers have revealed God's plan for mankind, but the prophecy made it sound like Billy was going to iron out the details.)

So, there we are, 0 for 4 this time around and 0 for crying out loud for the entire year. Who would keep paying attention to these predictions when they can go an entire year without getting anything right?

Well, hypothetical question asker, I would. It is the task I have set for myself and the Sun was nice enough to put more prophecies on the cover this week with specific dates, so I'll print them here on the blog and keep track of when they are going to take place.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:All the Thanksgiving prophecies go bust.

Publication: Sun
Dates: 25 October 2010 and 13 September 2010

Why do I bother posting prophecies which I know will not come true? Because I believe in reason and I would like more people to do the same. Every time someone talks to you about the uncanny abilities of Edgar Cayce or Nostradamus or any prophet, look at how bad their track records really are.

Of course, the Sun doesn't always rely on the big brand name prophets, but they did a bunch of predicting for Thanksgiving, much the same way they predicted a lot of stuff for September 11 and came up with nothing.

Nukes were supposed to be flying. They didn't.
Pope Benedict would tell us the date for the End of the World. He didn't.
Hillary would file for divorce from Bill by now. Yet another failure.
Billy Graham would tell us God's plan for peace, told to him by an angel. Hmm, not so much.

The Sun, expecting no one is keeping track, has some new prophecies that hit the newsstands today, and they repeat the Hillary and Billy Graham stories nearly verbatim, but now say they will be happening by New Year's. Once again, don't bet on it. In fact, if you can find someone dim enough to bet that they will come true, bet the farm that they won't come true. It's easy money.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™ or will it?:One of three predictions in a tabloid comes true!Sort of.

Publication: Sun
Date: 2 August 2010

Back in late July, the Sun published three prophecies for the next 100 days. Let's see how they did.

Killer plague in the United States! Hmm, not so much.

Oprah performs a healing miracle! Well, it didn't make the papers around here.

Political scandals! They said there would be political scandals and they had a picture of Sarah Palin. She thinks the released audio tape of reporters hating on Joe Miller is a scandal, so I'm going to give this one a hit. The label "correct prophecy" is created, though from what was on the cover, it is correct largely because it was completely vague.

At least the prophets are off the schneid, not unlike my beloved San Francisco Giants!

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:No plague in U.S. in September!

Publication: Sun
Date: 17 May 2010

Nostradamus, the most trusted name in prophecy.

Nostradamus, complete fucking dud in the Sun this year.

There was supposed to be a killer plague sweeping the U.S. in September. I know some of my students caught whatever was going around, especially if I was giving a midterm, but as for killer plague, not so much.

This is the fifth official use of the "Nostradamus fail" label this year. How many times have I used the "Nostradamus win" label? So far, I haven't had any need to invent it.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:No four horseman sightings in Rome!

Publication: Sun
Dates: 9 August 2010 and 8 March 2010

The Sun told us twice this year that the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse would be seen in Rome on September 11, 2010. This means this story should have been twice as true as any other story they published this year.

Quick math lesson: twice zero is... anyone?

Yes, it's still zero.

Also, if you want media coverage, wouldn't it make more sense to appear in New York City where all the cameras are? Just sayin'.

There was a separate story saying Nostradamus predicted terror attacks for 9/11/10. You know, for a world famous French prophet whose name has lasted over the centuries, Nostradamus does not give you much bang for the buck, or even much frisson for the franc.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:Laws of physics still in effect

The Sun gets another prophecy wrong, this one about... the sun! No, not about itself, but instead that star about 96 million miles away from us that we see and feel on a daily basis.

Back in May, the Sun said that Nostradamus predicted in July 2010 a solar flare would cause earthquakes. Well, of course there were earthquakes this month, there always are, and solar flares as well, but there's no science that links the two. Everybody I could find on the Internets conflating the two phenomena I would put in the category of "crackpot".

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:Laws of physics still in effect

The Sun gets another prophecy wrong, this one about... the sun! No, not about itself, but instead that star about 96 million miles away from us that we see and feel on a daily basis.

Back in May, the Sun said that Nostradamus predicted in July 2010 a solar flare would cause earthquakes. Well, of course there were earthquakes this month, there always are, and solar flares as well, but there's no science that links the two. Everybody I could find on the Internets conflating the two phenomena I would put in the category of "crackpot".

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:World refuses to end on July 4

Last month, the Sun had a prophecy about the world ending on July 4. Here were the highlights.

• Edgar Cayce foresaw killer fire storms. Sorry, Edgar, go back to sleep. There was a guy losing his arm in a fireworks accident, a runaway horse killing someone in Iowa, deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq, but nothing amazingly out of the ordinary. There may have been a killer fire storm someplace, but it didn't make the national headlines in the U.S.
• John the Evangelist says Satan will be in Congress. Maybe he was, but everybody else was back in their districts eating corn on the cob and kissing babies, so he failed to raise a quorum. I'm surprised Satan doesn't know more about parliamentary procedure given how many politicians are his guests for eternity.
• Black Elk tells us who will be saved. And I will tell you as well. Damn near the whole planet will be saved. There are somewhere between 6.7 and 6.85 billion people on the planet, and that number rose a bit yesterday, just like it does everyday. Feel better now?
• Mother Teresa points to hidden Bible secrets. Hate to burst anyone's bubble here, but Mother Teresa wasn't that big on the prophecy. She helped the poor, she built missions, she refused to give back donations even after it was proven in a court of law her benefactors were thieves, but prophetic visions... not so much.

So there you have it. Another end of the world prophecy turns out to be a dud. But don't worry, there's plenty more to come this year and some big dates in 2011 and 2012 as well. Super fun!

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:World refuses to end on July 4

Last month, the Sun had a prophecy about the world ending on July 4. Here were the highlights.

• Edgar Cayce foresaw killer fire storms. Sorry, Edgar, go back to sleep. There was a guy losing his arm in a fireworks accident, a runaway horse killing someone in Iowa, deaths in Afghanistan and Iraq, but nothing amazingly out of the ordinary. There may have been a killer fire storm someplace, but it didn't make the national headlines in the U.S.
• John the Evangelist says Satan will be in Congress. Maybe he was, but everybody else was back in their districts eating corn on the cob and kissing babies, so he failed to raise a quorum. I'm surprised Satan doesn't know more about parliamentary procedure given how many politicians are his guests for eternity.
• Black Elk tells us who will be saved. And I will tell you as well. Damn near the whole planet will be saved. There are somewhere between 6.7 and 6.85 billion people on the planet, and that number rose a bit yesterday, just like it does everyday. Feel better now?
• Mother Teresa points to hidden Bible secrets. Hate to burst anyone's bubble here, but Mother Teresa wasn't that big on the prophecy. She helped the poor, she built missions, she refused to give back donations even after it was proven in a court of law her benefactors were thieves, but prophetic visions... not so much.

So there you have it. Another end of the world prophecy turns out to be a dud. But don't worry, there's plenty more to come this year and some big dates in 2011 and 2012 as well. Super fun!

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:World War III is NOT narrowly averted in June 2010

In early May, the Sun published predictions from Nostradamus for the rest of the year. The first specific time period was the month of June, when a terrorist attack incorrectly blamed on some country was supposed to almost start World War III. The closest thing to the start of a worldwide conflagration was the sabre rattling between the Koreas, but that story shares none of the details from the prediction.

The next date to watch out for... July 4!

Stay tuned.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:World War III is NOT narrowly averted in June 2010

In early May, the Sun published predictions from Nostradamus for the rest of the year. The first specific time period was the month of June, when a terrorist attack incorrectly blamed on some country was supposed to almost start World War III. The closest thing to the start of a worldwide conflagration was the sabre rattling between the Koreas, but that story shares none of the details from the prediction.

The next date to watch out for... July 4!

Stay tuned.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:NASA fails to get a stern warning from God on June 7

It was back in late February that the Sun gave us specific dates and events this year that would herald the end of the world.

So far, this particular prophecy is zero for two.

No startling omen happened on April 3, though the iPad did get introduced that day, and NASA is keeping completely tight-lipped about any stern warning from the Creator about mankind's behavior.

Then again, what with the budget cuts and pointy-headed scientists not even believing in God, maybe they did get a message and they are withholding it from us, either out of poverty of the do-re-mi or poverty of the I-B-Lieve.

As of this writing, the world keeps on spinning. You are allowed to make up your own mind as to whether that's a good thing or not.

No pressure.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:NASA fails to get a stern warning from God on June 7

It was back in late February that the Sun gave us specific dates and events this year that would herald the end of the world.

So far, this particular prophecy is zero for two.

No startling omen happened on April 3, though the iPad did get introduced that day, and NASA is keeping completely tight-lipped about any stern warning from the Creator about mankind's behavior.

Then again, what with the budget cuts and pointy-headed scientists not even believing in God, maybe they did get a message and they are withholding it from us, either out of poverty of the do-re-mi or poverty of the I-B-Lieve.

As of this writing, the world keeps on spinning. You are allowed to make up your own mind as to whether that's a good thing or not.

No pressure.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:End Times prophecy #1 fails.

Publication: Sun

Date: 8 Mar. 2010

Date of prophecy failure: 3 Apr. 2010

Our first prophecy date has now come and gone, and I'm prepared to say it was a bust. There was supposed to be the first of twelve startling omens on April 3, 2010, but I checked English language websites from around the world (CNN, Times of London, Times of India) and there wasn't a really WOW story yesterday. No big quake or volcano or hurricane making landfall. Dozens of people died in fighting in both Iraq and Pakistan, but that's hardly a startling omen. No important world leader died or resigned or was bombarded with a rain of toads.

An old racist supporter of apartheid was killed by workers in a pay dispute. That doesn't sound like a startling omen to me.

I'm going out on a limb here and declaring yesterday was pretty much startling omen free. Just another slow news Saturday.

One story that made headlines in all the news outlets I read is the iPad going on sale, but the size of the headline was in proportion to how close to New York the publication was.

I've read the stuff both pro and con about the iPad, I probably won't buy one, due partly to lack of interest and partly to broke-itude. In any case, I don't consider it an omen of the end times.

So, sorry, apocalypse fans. That's a big fat goose egg for your team. The first of many, I reckon.

(Editorial note: I decided that instead of calling a prophecy bust a Skeeter Davis Fail, I would use the upbeat song from Annie to say that the End Of The World will have to wait a little longer. No need to drag Ms. Davis' name through the mud just because it's not the end of the world.)