Non scoop of the week! BrAngelina's secret wedding in France!

Publication: In Touch
Date: 4 July 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! In Touch goes with one of the standbys, BrAngelina getting hitched. Actually, the majority of stories saying they have had a secret wedding already have been peddled by In Touch. Just in case they think someone has noticed, on this story they have a special "It's Official!" headline.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think if something the only people allowed to keep things both official and secret are governments.

Here's the rest of the headlines.

• Secret Wedding in France
• Angelina's stunning L'Wren Scott gown and vintage ring
• Brad's emotional vow to his new wife
• The surprising celeb guest!
  

Of course, it's already been denied. If you don't know the name L'Wren Scott, she's the towering designer and love interest of the much older Mick Jagger.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:Kourtney's engaged (official)

Publication: In Touch
Date: 6 December 2010

A week in the supermarket rags without some Kardashian dish? I highly goddamn doubt it.

In Touch says "it's official!" this week. In Touch says a lot of stuff and most of it bad about Scott Disick.

Reliable online gossip sources like GossipCop.com say the story is they would only get married for the money they could make on gifts. If that were the case, why would people come to the wedding knowing that? Or why wouldn't they come for some free food and booze, then bug out without leaving a gift?

It might be true, but it looks more like a rumor and there's no way it's "official". In Touch gets a fail label for this one.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Kourtney and Scott and Baby #2

Publications: In Touch, Us Weekly
Date: 18 October 2010

There was actual high drama in the Kardashian clan this week as Scott Disick had yet another embarrassing episode of public drunkenness. But the story in the supermarket rags is a little different and also largely untrue.

The story in In Touch is that Kourtney is pregnant and alone, desperate to raise the baby with Scott, but he is searching for a $3,000,000 bachelor pad and gigantic kid sister Khloe has siad either he goes or she is no longer dealing with Kourtney.

In Us Weekly, the story is that Kourtney and Scott's baby plans shake the family.

Reliable online sources say that Kourtney is not pregnant, and they throw in that Kim is not pregnant just for good measure.

On the Rocks Alert:Jesse tricks Sandy

Publication: In Touch
Date: 21 June 2010

In recent interviews on TV, Jesse James is very clear that it's over and he blew it and Sandy looks to be over the nightmare, but In Touch would like us to know that Jesse is stalling the divorce and trying to get her back, even though he is sleeping with other women even now.

On the Rocks Alert:Jesse tricks Sandy

Publication: In Touch
Date: 21 June 2010

In recent interviews on TV, Jesse James is very clear that it's over and he blew it and Sandy looks to be over the nightmare, but In Touch would like us to know that Jesse is stalling the divorce and trying to get her back, even though he is sleeping with other women even now.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Sandra Bullock pregnant

Publication: In Touch
Date: 14 June 2010

There are a crazy number of pregnancy stories on the front covers of the Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, and that's the theme all day long on Fresh Trash Day.

Sandra is going to give birth to a baby girl, according to In Touch, and Jesse James is grovelling, trying to get back in her good graces. There were rumors of a pregnancy back in late March reported in Star magazine.

This is the sort of thing that can be confirmed, so this blog will keep track of it.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Sandra Bullock pregnant

Publication: In Touch
Date: 14 June 2010

There are a crazy number of pregnancy stories on the front covers of the Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, and that's the theme all day long on Fresh Trash Day.

Sandra is going to give birth to a baby girl, according to In Touch, and Jesse James is grovelling, trying to get back in her good graces. There were rumors of a pregnancy back in late March reported in Star magazine.

This is the sort of thing that can be confirmed, so this blog will keep track of it.

Love Bird Alert™?:Sandra caving in, fooled by Jesse's lies.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 June 2010

Jesse James' Nightline interview should put the kibosh on the rumors that he and Sandy are getting back together, because he pretty much sounds like a whipped dog. In Touch is trying to sell the story that he is weaseling his way back into her heart.

I'm not usually one for predictions, but I bet when the year is out, Sandra will still be in New Orleans with her cute baby and Jesse will still be in California, being true to his scumbag nature.

Love Bird Alert™?:Sandra caving in, fooled by Jesse's lies.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 7 June 2010

Jesse James' Nightline interview should put the kibosh on the rumors that he and Sandy are getting back together, because he pretty much sounds like a whipped dog. In Touch is trying to sell the story that he is weaseling his way back into her heart.

I'm not usually one for predictions, but I bet when the year is out, Sandra will still be in New Orleans with her cute baby and Jesse will still be in California, being true to his scumbag nature.

Love Bird Alert™?:Sandra and Jesse's secret reunion

Publication: In Touch
Date: 31 May 2010

It is a fact of life that the supermarket tabloids do not tell a consistent story about anything if all of them are taken at their word. The general consensus is that the ship has sailed on the Sandy-Jesse marriage, and Jesse's interview on Nightline confirms that. All this evidence does not stop In Touch from claiming that they had a secret reunion.

Love Bird Alert™?:Sandra and Jesse's secret reunion

Publication: In Touch
Date: 31 May 2010

It is a fact of life that the supermarket tabloids do not tell a consistent story about anything if all of them are taken at their word. The general consensus is that the ship has sailed on the Sandy-Jesse marriage, and Jesse's interview on Nightline confirms that. All this evidence does not stop In Touch from claiming that they had a secret reunion.

Total tabloid fail alert:Sandra is torn as Jesse leaves rehab

Publication: In Touch
Date: 10 May 2010

In Touch has gotten stories right before, most notably they broke the news of Jesse James busy secret life as a man slut. Obviously, they have sources close to Jesse, but as for sources close to Sandra Bullock, not so much. They are the only other checkout rag besides People to have a story about Sandy this week, and it is as clear as rainwater that they got it 100% wrong.

Sandy isn't torn, she's getting on with her life. She's moving to New Orleans and, oh by the way, she's been taking care of an adorable little baby for the past three months.

With all the stories about Sandy and Jesse that have surfaced, and by my count there have been about 40 that mentioned her or him or both of them this year, not one mentioned the baby. Clearly, either the sources near them really weren't that near, or both Sandy and Jesse were completely serious about keeping this secret.

The Kardashian family should call Sandy up and find out where she shops for friends.

Total tabloid fail alert:Sandra is torn as Jesse leaves rehab

Publication: In Touch
Date: 10 May 2010

In Touch has gotten stories right before, most notably they broke the news of Jesse James busy secret life as a man slut. Obviously, they have sources close to Jesse, but as for sources close to Sandra Bullock, not so much. They are the only other checkout rag besides People to have a story about Sandy this week, and it is as clear as rainwater that they got it 100% wrong.

Sandy isn't torn, she's getting on with her life. She's moving to New Orleans and, oh by the way, she's been taking care of an adorable little baby for the past three months.

With all the stories about Sandy and Jesse that have surfaced, and by my count there have been about 40 that mentioned her or him or both of them this year, not one mentioned the baby. Clearly, either the sources near them really weren't that near, or both Sandy and Jesse were completely serious about keeping this secret.

The Kardashian family should call Sandy up and find out where she shops for friends.

Love Bird Alert™?:Sandy and Jesse's secret plans to re-unite

Publication: In Touch

Date: 3 May 2010

In Touch definitely counts as one of the nastier of the supermarket rags, so for them, this almost counts as a positive story. After all, people who at least once loved each other are reconciling, and there is a little girl to be considered, who could use a positive female role model instead of the trash daddy usually brings home, with a slurred drunken introduction like "Sunny, this is your Auntie Bombshell. She's gonna be staying with us for a while, awright?"

Seriously, Sandy. Nice guys really aren't all that boring. Sometimes, boring is nice.

On the rocks alert:Sandra Bullock scared to leave

Publication: In Touch

Date: 26 Apr. 2010

Only three stories about Sandra or Jesse or both on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week. In Touch, the magazine that broke the story about a month ago, tells us that Sandra Bullock is scared to leave, which is their way of covering their ass, since two weeks ago they said the couple was divorcing, and so far the official court documents have not been filed.