Love Bird Alert™: Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries, heading down the aisle?

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 February 2011

What did the gossip rags do before the invention of Kim Kardashian? Probably talked trash about people who actually make movies or music.

As we know, if little Kim K. is not romantically linked to a professional athlete, there is a definite disturbance in The Force. Her current beau is NBA star Kris Humphries, and as we can see in this shot of them together, he's a big guy and she's teeny tiny.

(Note to Kris: You are going out in public with Kim K. and you can't get even a little dolled up? She's putting in the effort, buddy. You should reciprocate.)

Two different magazines say it's really serious. Here are the headlines.

• Weekly Life & Style: Kim and Kris: In love living together and planning the wedding
• Us Weekly: Kim K. in love: "I want his baby."

The quote has been verified elsewhere. The wedding planning has been denied.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™: Kourtney and Scott heading down the aisle! Finally! (psych.)

Publications: OK!, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 February 2011

Two different gossip rags going with the same story, which one of the mags calls an exclusive.

So that's one lie. But the story has to be true, right?

Not according to Kourtney Kardashian, and about this, she should know.

If you still want to read the lying headlines, here they are.

Weekly Life & Style: Why Kourtney finally said yes to Scott

OK!: Kourtney and Scott exclusive
the ring, the kiss, engaged to be married
Biggest Kardashian wedding yet
all the intimate details
How Scott won her trust
"We want another baby"

You have to hand it to OK! This may be a work of fiction, but it's almost long enough to be a novella. You have to admire the handiwork, if not the fact checking.

Bun In The Oven Alert™?:Khloe has a baby on the way

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 14 February 2011

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Weekly Life & Style is completely pregnancy obsessed this week. While some of the stories with smaller pictures and headlines are about women who are confirmed pregnant, they have two large pictures about women who aren't yet confirmed pregnant. One of the big stories is Khloe Kardashian, with the sub-headline "My Pregnancy Secret".

While I don't open the magazines except under the most dire conditions, I did go to the WL&S website, and right on the front page Khloe says she isn't pregnant yet and she won't ever confirm until the information is completely solid.

Rule of thumb: "pregnancy secret" usually means "not pregnant", so Weekly Life & Style gets a fail this week.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Jessica Simpson is pregnant!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 December 2010

Weekly Life & Style uses most of the cover this week to tell us "exclusively" that Jessica Simpson is pregnant. Among the details:

• Morning sickness and cravings
• Inside family's joyous celebration
• Rushing to get married

This story is "exclusive" if we only count the supermarket rags, but Perez Hilton has been pushing this story online for some time now.

GossipCop says it's crap. If you have to choose between GossipCop, Perez Hilton and Weekly Life & Style, trust GossipCop.

Bells Aren't Ringing alert™:The royal wedding is off!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 June 2010

If I were to guess, I would venture to say that Wills&Kate are going to become much bigger supermarket stars this summer. Weekly Life & Style, who up until this point haven't said "boo" about the couple, have a small picture and a short headline "The royal wedding is off!"

That's kind of different from the couple eloping, isn't it?

Bells Aren't Ringing alert™:The royal wedding is off!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 June 2010

If I were to guess, I would venture to say that Wills&Kate are going to become much bigger supermarket stars this summer. Weekly Life & Style, who up until this point haven't said "boo" about the couple, have a small picture and a short headline "The royal wedding is off!"

That's kind of different from the couple eloping, isn't it?

On the Rocks Alert(?):Heidi leaves Spencer

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, Star
Date: 14 June 2010

A week ago Saturday, TMZ.com broke the news that Heidi Montag had moved out of the house she shared with Spencer Pratt. This story was confirmed by Heidi, though her reasons seemed a little weak. Two of the Only Ten Magazine That Matter jumped on the story and put it on the front cover. The best evidence a week later is that it was Planted Crap from the awful couple who are hoping to get a new reality TV show.

On Friday, I called Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, known in their day as Liz and Dick, the greatest celebrity couple of all time. Some people even older than I am, which would be very old indeed, might chose Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks.

That's the top of the heap. The bottom of the heap is Heidi and Spencer, awful people who perfectly embody the entertainment industry of this awful time.

On the Rocks Alert(?):Heidi leaves Spencer

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, Star
Date: 14 June 2010

A week ago Saturday, TMZ.com broke the news that Heidi Montag had moved out of the house she shared with Spencer Pratt. This story was confirmed by Heidi, though her reasons seemed a little weak. Two of the Only Ten Magazine That Matter jumped on the story and put it on the front cover. The best evidence a week later is that it was Planted Crap from the awful couple who are hoping to get a new reality TV show.

On Friday, I called Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton, known in their day as Liz and Dick, the greatest celebrity couple of all time. Some people even older than I am, which would be very old indeed, might chose Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks.

That's the top of the heap. The bottom of the heap is Heidi and Spencer, awful people who perfectly embody the entertainment industry of this awful time.

Love Bird Alert™:Will Sandy take Jesse back?

Publications: People, Weekly Life and Style
Date: 17 May 2010

Last week, Sandra Bullock looked like the big winner. Adorable little baby adopted, dumping her cheating weasel of a husband, she was full of win, as the young people like to say. But of course that couldn't last, at least on the covers of the Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

Two stories appear about a possible re-uniting with Jesse James. Weekly Life and Style's headline makes it look like a done deal. People puts it in the form of a question.

I hope it's still a question and I hope the answer is no. She can do a lot better.

Love Bird Alert™:Will Sandy take Jesse back?

Publications: People, Weekly Life and Style
Date: 17 May 2010

Last week, Sandra Bullock looked like the big winner. Adorable little baby adopted, dumping her cheating weasel of a husband, she was full of win, as the young people like to say. But of course that couldn't last, at least on the covers of the Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

Two stories appear about a possible re-uniting with Jesse James. Weekly Life and Style's headline makes it look like a done deal. People puts it in the form of a question.

I hope it's still a question and I hope the answer is no. She can do a lot better.