He fought the Law alert:Tiger's desperate hunt for Elin's diary

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 17 January 2011

According to the National Enquirer, Tiger Woods was caught in his former house, apparently searching for his former wife's diary.

If this is true, and with the Enquirer you can never know, this would constitute breaking and entering. I couldn't find any independent confirmation online, so I'm going to say is just more made-up crap from the AMI kennel.

Meanest Story nominee:Tiger snubs his sick brother.

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 January 2011

The Globe tells us that Tiger Woods has a brother who is ill and the golfing superstar isn't lifting a finger to help.

I actually still have some residual goodwill for Tiger in spite of everything, but I had no idea he had a brother. His family dynamic just screams "only child", doesn't it?

Bun In The Oven Alert™?:Elin Nordegren is having a baby.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 29 November 2010

The Tiger Woods story has lost a lot of steam since the beginning of the year, and I kind of hoped his ex-wife Elin Nordegren would be able to slip out of the gossip spotlight now that she's made a clean break from Tiger.

No such luck, especially with The Flagship still around.

We haven't heard peep about Elin's love life post-Tiger, but the Enquirer says she has been going full steam ahead and is now pregnant. They also tell us Tiger is crushed.

So far, I haven't found either confirmation or denial of this story online. I'm going to say the null hypothesis is she's not pregnant, and until a reliable news source backs this up, it makes sense to say the story in the Enquirer is bullshit.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Elin's final revenge on Tiger

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 8 November 2010

The Flagship keeps Elin's name in the supermarket rags yet again when it's clear she'd like to go back to being anonymous. Also, from what I know about divorced couples, there's really no such thing as "final" revenge.

Sex Tape alert:Tiger Woods

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 October 2010

The Globe's headline is actually accurate this time.

Blonde bombshell: I have Tiger Woods' sex tape

The accurate part is turning it into a claim from some blonde bimbo, and the bimbo in question is porn star Devon James. People who have seen it, and that would NOT include this writer, are convinced that it's a hoax.

Man Slut Alert:Tiger Woods' secret wedding

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 September 2010

If you believe the Globe, Tiger Woods will soon be a happily married man once again. On their web page, they go with the story that he will wed Skanky Ho #1, Rachel Uchitel, to whom he has already paid an exorbitant sum to keep her trap shut, for all the good that did.

If he does that, I gotta say his golf game going to crap will be the least of his worries.

And the camera noses in to the tears on his face:Tiger's tears

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 6 September 2010

Here's something predictable. If both the Enquirer and People are going to cover the same story, the Gold Standard will try to be as nice as possible and the Flagship will try to put as bad a connotation on it as possible. This week, People has the exclusive with Elin Nordegren about how she's getting on with her life, while the Enquirer focuses on Tiger coming to grips with the realities of being a divorced dad who won't be as involved in his kid's lives as much as he would like to be.

Moral of the story: even if you are making lots and lots of money, being a man slut is very expensive indeed.

On the Rocks update:Tiger and Elin officially divorced

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 23 August 2010

Okay, so she put a nine iron through the window of his SUV last Thanksgiving. That really didn't mean it was over, did it?

Well, Labor Day is around the corner, and according to official documents, it's over. Now I get to go back and put FAIL by all the stories that had them back together and WIN by all the stories that said they really were through.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™?:Tiger Woods will marry Rachel Uchitel

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 August 2010

The Flagship tells us that Tiger Woods will marry Skanky Ho #1 Rachel Uchitel. Reports from last year said he paid he $10,000,000 to keep her mouth shut, but now I guess it's love. There were also tabloid rumors that he spent Christmas with her after he broke up with his wife around Thanksgiving.

Some people think the Enquirer is almost legitimate because of their Pulitzer nomination. I actually read their stuff too much to fall for that. It would be easier to believe he was serious about marrying her if there was actually a photograph of the two of them together.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™?:Tiger Woods will marry Rachel Uchitel

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 9 August 2010

The Flagship tells us that Tiger Woods will marry Skanky Ho #1 Rachel Uchitel. Reports from last year said he paid he $10,000,000 to keep her mouth shut, but now I guess it's love. There were also tabloid rumors that he spent Christmas with her after he broke up with his wife around Thanksgiving.

Some people think the Enquirer is almost legitimate because of their Pulitzer nomination. I actually read their stuff too much to fall for that. It would be easier to believe he was serious about marrying her if there was actually a photograph of the two of them together.

Confirmed On the Rocks Alert:Tiger and Elin's divorce is real, but not as expensive as reported

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 1 July 2010

A report from a British tabloid was widely circulated this week. It said that the divorce of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren was finalized and she would be getting $750 million. Because of the source, I was not willing to publish the news on this blog. (Unlike MSNBC and Huffington Post, I have standards.) But the news has been confirmed on TMZ online, the gossip source I trust the most. More than that, the source who spoke to TMZ said the divorce becomes final tomorrow and that the $750 million number is pure hooey. Forbes estimated Tiger's worth last year at $600 million, so it's a little tough for him to get his hands on that much cash, especially given the high cost of skanky hos these days.

Every tabloid who said they were getting divorced gets an orange in their stocking, and the ones who said they'd work it out get a lump of coal.

Confirmed On the Rocks Alert:Tiger and Elin's divorce is real, but not as expensive as reported

Publication: TMZ online
Date: 1 July 2010

A report from a British tabloid was widely circulated this week. It said that the divorce of Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren was finalized and she would be getting $750 million. Because of the source, I was not willing to publish the news on this blog. (Unlike MSNBC and Huffington Post, I have standards.) But the news has been confirmed on TMZ online, the gossip source I trust the most. More than that, the source who spoke to TMZ said the divorce becomes final tomorrow and that the $750 million number is pure hooey. Forbes estimated Tiger's worth last year at $600 million, so it's a little tough for him to get his hands on that much cash, especially given the high cost of skanky hos these days.

Every tabloid who said they were getting divorced gets an orange in their stocking, and the ones who said they'd work it out get a lump of coal.

On the Rocks Alert:Elin's life after Tiger

Publication: OK!
Date: 28 June 2010

It's been three months since Elin or Tiger was front page news in the tabs. There haven't been any stories of reconciliation, but there also hasn't been the public filing of papers. OK! says they know about what Elin will do in her new life without Tiger.

As we will see tomorrow, OK! is a very positive supermarket rag, but they aren't a very reliable one.

On the Rocks Alert:Elin's life after Tiger

Publication: OK!
Date: 28 June 2010

It's been three months since Elin or Tiger was front page news in the tabs. There haven't been any stories of reconciliation, but there also hasn't been the public filing of papers. OK! says they know about what Elin will do in her new life without Tiger.

As we will see tomorrow, OK! is a very positive supermarket rag, but they aren't a very reliable one.

Tiger paid cops "investigating" SUV incident

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 May 2010

The Flagship has hot breaking news about something that happened six months ago. Tiger paid the cops who came to his house that night he "crashed" his Escalade and Elin "rescued" him by breaking the back window with a short iron. The cops then "investigated" thoroughly and determined no laws were broken and went happily back to the station, confident and proud of a job well done.

Tiger paid cops "investigating" SUV incident

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 24 May 2010

The Flagship has hot breaking news about something that happened six months ago. Tiger paid the cops who came to his house that night he "crashed" his Escalade and Elin "rescued" him by breaking the back window with a short iron. The cops then "investigated" thoroughly and determined no laws were broken and went happily back to the station, confident and proud of a job well done.

Man Slut Alert:Tiger Woods had sex with 121 women while married

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 May 2010

The Flagship wants you to know that Tiger Woods is not just a champion golfer, he is also a champion man slut. He had sex with 121 women while married to Elin Nordegren, who still hasn't officially divorced his cheating ass. And other cheating parts.

How did they come up with the seemingly precise number 121? It's not a "round number", which usually means a multiple of 10 or 100, but it is 11², which all you perfect square fans have already realized, I'm sure.

There is a saying you may have already heard that 89.32% of all statistics are made up on the spot. You may have heard a slightly different percentage, but of course this one I told you has been completely verified.

Trust me, I'm a mathematician.

Man Slut Alert:Tiger Woods had sex with 121 women while married

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 10 May 2010

The Flagship wants you to know that Tiger Woods is not just a champion golfer, he is also a champion man slut. He had sex with 121 women while married to Elin Nordegren, who still hasn't officially divorced his cheating ass. And other cheating parts.

How did they come up with the seemingly precise number 121? It's not a "round number", which usually means a multiple of 10 or 100, but it is 11², which all you perfect square fans have already realized, I'm sure.

There is a saying you may have already heard that 89.32% of all statistics are made up on the spot. You may have heard a slightly different percentage, but of course this one I told you has been completely verified.

Trust me, I'm a mathematician.

Man Slut Alert:Tiger Woods had sex with neighbor's daughter

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 29 Apr. 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow! Some weeks, I leave Wednesday for stories that I don't have much interest in, but this week I decided to save some gossip that has that "Top of the page, let's read some more!" feel to it.

We should be pretty much over the exploits of Tiger Woods, man slut, now that Jesse James is everybody's new favorite guy to hate, but The Flagship found a new angle to the Tiger tale that might bring him back into contention as The Guy We Hate The Most.

That new angle? Jail bait.

Tiger had sex with a neighbor's daughter. She was 14 when they met. No mention on the cover of how old she was when they allegedly hooked up, but I'm assuming if she was still under the age of consent then, they would have made that the lead.

Stay classy, National Enquirer!

Hairdresser Alert:Tiger Woods' gay scandal!

Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

Because the public doesn't hate Tiger Woods quite enough just yet, the Globe wants us to know he is involved in a gay scandal. We've already heard from some of the skanky hos he banged that his fantasies included multiple sex partners including guys, but this is the first story that implies he acted on these fantasies.

And of course, it's in the Globe, so you can take it with a grain of salt. Or even one of those jumbo bags of salt they use to melt ice on the roads.