Bells are Ringing Alert™: Rob and Kirsten's Twilight wedding.

Publication: OK!
Date: 20 June 2011

Last year, OK! had a seriously delusional person writing their cover copy. Anything that was happening to the characters from Twilight was happening in the lives of the actors. It wasn't Edward and Bella getting married, it was Rob and Kristen. Now at least, they seem to understand the difference between the characters and actors.

Least interesting cover story of the week: The film Hunger Games will be juicier than the book!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

The Hunger Games is the new hit trilogy in young adult sci-fi, so some bright filmmaker is hoping it will turn into a hit like the young adult fantasy books Harry Potter and Twilight. Weekly Life & Style tells us it will be juicier on film, but supplies no juicy picture.

Just more planted crap AND planted crap without a photo to accompany it, the worst kind.

Love Bird Alert™: Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis: It's on!

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 20 June 2011

Who is Justin Timberlake shagging this week? If we accept this story in Weekly Life & Style and their public groping at the MTV Movie Awards last week, he's shagging Mila Kunis.

Of course, they have a movie called Friends With Benefits coming out next month, so this all could just be Planted Crap.

An intimate interview with Johnny Depp.

Publication: OK!
Date: 30 May 2011

OK! has an exclusive and intimate interview with Johnny Depp now that the latest Pirates of the Caribbean is out. They had one previously when The Tourist was in the theaters last December.

Coincidence? I think not.

Brad Pitt in Cannes.

Publication: People
Date: 30 May 2011

Plenty of stories about the Jolie-Pitt clan this week, including a solo story for Brad. People has him on the cover visiting the Cannes Film Festival, where his new movie The Tree of Life, directed by Terrence Malick, was both booed and won the Grand Prize.

The French. Go figure.

Besides playing at the film festival, the movie goes into very limited release next Friday, so this one gets the Planted Crap label as well.

Bun In The Oven Alert™: Tori and Dean's Baby #3

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 April 2011

Us Weekly tells us Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have baby number three on the way.

The fact that they have a new reality TV show I sure is just blind coincidence, but I don't have "blind coincidence" label, so I'll use "Planted Crap" instead.

Love Bird Alert™: Inside Reese's honeymoon.

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 April 2011

Reese Witherspoon got married last month already, but the gossip rags are not getting tired of telling us about it yet. Her husband Jim Toth is not mentioned by name, but he does get a picture, so he also gets a label.

This continuing interest might have something to do with Reese having a movie in theaters right now called Water For Elephants, so I'm also giving this story the Planted Crap label.

Rich people are rich: Inside Jen's $15 million home.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 28 February 2011

Weekly Life & Style offers a tour of Jennifer Aniston's palatial home. Obviously this is a positive story about an actress in a movie currently in the theaters, so it deserves the "planted crap" label.

But the other three stories on the cover of WL&S this week are about younger female celebrities getting ready to be married or happily pregnant.

So this story also gets the "spinster alert" label. In this gossip era, there are others who get the spinster label, but Jennifer Aniston is the subject of at least half these types of stories.

Johnny Depp tells all

Publication: OK!
Date: 20 December 2010

Johnny Depp is one of those movie stars the gossip rags ignore. He does his work, his personal life is not filled with drama, pretty much end of story. The only reason there is an interview with him in OK! is because he has a movie to promote, The Tourist with Angelina Jolie. OK! says this is his sexiest interview yet. This teaser did not change my standing policy of not opening up the magazines.

Here's hoping Mr. Depp gets to continue working for years to come and gets as little notice from the gossip rags as possible.

On the rocks alert:Christina Aguilera talks to People about her divorce

Publication: People
Date: 13 December 2010

Fresh trash delivered tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Christina Aguilera gets a cover story on People this week, talking about her divorce. They call her the star of Burlesque, her new movie in theaters now, so the story gets the Planted Crap label, not unlike the slew of stories about Julia Roberts at the time of the release of Eat, Pray, Love.

Julia got three stories and Christina only one. Julia is a much bigger star, of course, but not a tabloid favorite.

Planted Crap Alert:Secrets from Breaking Dawn

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 13 December 2010

This is the fourth straight week that stories about the filming of Breaking Dawn have been in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, a publicity push that seems oddly timed for a movie scheduled to open eleven months from now. The saturation marketing makes a little more sense when we take into account that Eclipse, most recently released movie in the series, is now available on DVD and would make lovely holiday gifts for the vampire obsessed fans on your shopping list.

Just trying to help.

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Kristen Stewart talks about her character being pregnant

Publication: OK!
Date: 13 December 2010

OK! has been like a delusional person over the past few months. They have had several reports of actresses getting pregnant when in fact they were playing pregnant characters in movies, or reported on marriages of actors when it was just roles they were playing.

This week, they say it right up front. Kristen Stewart talks about playing Bella, a character in a movie who gets pregnant. (I hope this isn't a huge spoiler for fans.)

While I am not the therapist for the headline writers at OK!, I'd like to tell them that they are making excellent progress and I believe they will soon be able to tell reality from fiction on a regular basis and become productive members of society once again.

Nice work, fellas.

Rich people are rich alert:Touring Barbra Streisand's home

Publication: People
Date: 29 November 2010

Barbra Striesand gives People a tour of her home. I'm sure it's nice. I like the puppy already.

Barbra has a supporting role in Little Fockers, a sequel to a movie I didn't see, which will be released just before Christmas. It seems a little early for Planted Crap, but who am I to tell these people their business. As you might have already realized, no one is clamoring for a tour of Matty Boy's palatial estate.

DWTS related material:Jennifer Grey's second chance

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 October 2010

Dancing With The Stars is one of the favorite TV shows for many supermarket rags, though it can't hold a candle to the interest they have in all things Kardashian. This week, Us has a very positive piece about Jennifer Grey. Among the details on the cover:

• battling cancer
• finding love
• honoring the memory of Patrick Swayze
• sexy body secrets

Love Bird Alert™:Bristol and Mark heating up

Publication: OK!
Date: 11 October 2010

OK!, the nicest of the supermarket rags but not the most reliable, says things are "heating up" between Bristol Palin and her dance partner Mark Ballas. There was a picture in the allegedly legitimate press of Mark visiting Alaska and posing with Bristol's mom. I suppose it's possible, especially from Bristol's end of things. After all, this is a young woman who got impregnated by the kid of the town drug dealer, but I have to wonder what's in it for Mark. Because of my skepticism, I am putting a Planted Crap label on this post. It definitely happens with Dancing With The Stars, and all the supermarket rags with the exception of the Sun eat it up.

Mean planted crap alert:Julia Roberts becomes a Hindu!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 23 August 2010

If I have any respect for the National Enquirer, and that's a big if, they do things on their own terms. Other supermarket rags are putting in plugs for Julia Roberts' new movie this week. They decided to do a scare story about Julia Roberts claiming that she is now a Hindu, including a picture of the Swami she visited.

The reason that I have almost no respect for the Enquirer is the consistency of their simple primary subtext.

You should hate people who are different from you, especially if you are a heterosexual white Christian.

Mean planted crap alert:Julia Roberts becomes a Hindu!

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 23 August 2010

If I have any respect for the National Enquirer, and that's a big if, they do things on their own terms. Other supermarket rags are putting in plugs for Julia Roberts' new movie this week. They decided to do a scare story about Julia Roberts claiming that she is now a Hindu, including a picture of the Swami she visited.

The reason that I have almost no respect for the Enquirer is the consistency of their simple primary subtext.

You should hate people who are different from you, especially if you are a heterosexual white Christian.

Planted Crap Alert:Julia Roberts hates Botox

Publication: In Touch
Date: 23 August 2010

Once again, the tabloids leave Julia Roberts alone until she says "jump", and then they say "how high"? In Touch, the meanest supermarket rag outside the Three Wicked Step Sisters, plants a positive story about the biggest female star on the planet, saying that she hates Botox and that her relatively smooth forehead is just one of those miracles of nature.

Or Photoshopping. Whatever.

Planted Crap Alert:Julia Roberts hates Botox

Publication: In Touch
Date: 23 August 2010

Once again, the tabloids leave Julia Roberts alone until she says "jump", and then they say "how high"? In Touch, the meanest supermarket rag outside the Three Wicked Step Sisters, plants a positive story about the biggest female star on the planet, saying that she hates Botox and that her relatively smooth forehead is just one of those miracles of nature.

Or Photoshopping. Whatever.

Planted Crap Alert:Julia Roberts in Eat, Pray, Love

Publication: People
Date: 23 August 2010

Julia Roberts gets three cover stories this week, bringing her total for the year to four. It's all about the opening of the movie Eat, Pray, Love and The Gold Standard is the only one of the three covers that doesn't even pretend that this isn't planted crap. They have a small picture of the big star and the headline "EAT! PRAY! LOVE! JULIA! The Food! The Frenzy! The Fantasy!"