Bun In The Oven Alert™: Tori and Dean's Baby #3

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 25 April 2011

Us Weekly tells us Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott have baby number three on the way.

The fact that they have a new reality TV show I sure is just blind coincidence, but I don't have "blind coincidence" label, so I'll use "Planted Crap" instead.

Damn You Not Skinny Alert™:Tori Spelling gains 20 lbs.

Publication: Star
Date: 15 November 2010

Usually, a celebrity gaining weight is an opportunity for the gossip rags to mock and be disgusted, but this story in the Star actually counts as good news. No celebrity has been given more grief for being scary skinny in 2010 than Tori Spelling, and earlier in the year there were three different stories saying she weighed less than 100 lbs, which is way too low for a woman 5'6" even if she has a small frame, which Tori appears to have. If this story is true and she gained 20 lbs., she would still be slightly under the ideal weight for her height listed on this chart.

Personally, I'm fat and can't imagine weighing some ridiculously tiny number and still thinking I needed to lose weight, but it's a real psychological problem for many people and if Tori has broken that cycle, good for her.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Hollywood's deadliest diets

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 20 September 2010

The Flagship give most of the cover this week to famous people with weight problems. There is a "guess who" picture of someone too fat, a picture of Aretha Franklin, who they say is 300 lbs., a number which is currently sadly believable, and everyone else mentioned is too skinny. They call Tori Spelling scary skinny and give numbers to all the other pictures. Tara Reid is 95 lbs., Elin Nordegren is 110 pounds, Nicole Richie is 83 pounds and Mary Kate Olson is 86 lbs.

The picture above is not of any of the mentioned celebrities. It's of Nicky Hilton a few years back.

Bad Help Alert:Celebrity assistants tell all

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 6 September 2010

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Who are the sources for trash about celebrities? Sometimes it's a bitter family member, but the Star tells us that the personal assistants are often the ones who can't keep their traps shut. This is one of those grab bag stories, where a bunch of pictures are shown on the cover and juicy gossip tidbits are thrown out, but if you want to know what person is connected to what tidbit, you have to buy the magazine.

As a point of honor, I refrain from buying the magazine.

Here are the mentioned celebrities in alphabetical order: Katie Holmes, Kourtney Kardashian and her baby Mason, Robert Pattinson, Tyler Perry, Tori Spelling, Britney Spears.

Here are the secrets in no particular order.

• Who sleeps with the help?
• Who manscapes?
• Who is a sext addict?
• Who makes calls on the toilet?
• Who has leaking implants?
• Who scores girls for staffer?

I have no idea what name goes with what salacious tidbit. My only hope is that Tyler Perry is not the one with the leaking implants.

P.S. My sister Jen, who has friends in the movie business, told me years ago she had it on good authority that a big headlining star had a young woman on set whose only job appeared to be Giving Special Service That Men Like. She got listed in the credits as "Assistant to _____ ______". Whenever I see one of those credits, I wonder exactly what that person did.

The star was Bruce Willis.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Tori Spelling now weighs 92 lbs.

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 26 July 2010

Until this week, all the stories about Tori Spelling being too skinny were in Weekly Life & Style. This week, the Star gets in the game and tells us Tori now weighs 92 lbs., the lowest number yet published.

This is a lot of fascination with a person whose career is nearly non-existent.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Tori Spelling now weighs 92 lbs.

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 26 July 2010

Until this week, all the stories about Tori Spelling being too skinny were in Weekly Life & Style. This week, the Star gets in the game and tells us Tori now weighs 92 lbs., the lowest number yet published.

This is a lot of fascination with a person whose career is nearly non-existent.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Tori Spelling says she did weigh 97 lbs.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 19 July 2010

Usually, Tori Spelling is on the cover of a supermarket rag because of her troubled marriage to Dean McDermott. There have also been cover stories about her weight, all of them in Weekly Life & Style.

The first story in April said she weighed 93 lbs. (she's listed at 5'6") and said she was starving to death. I know it's just a figure of speech, but I put her on the Not Long 4 This World list because the word "death" was used.

The second story in May was Tori saying she wasn't too skinny.

And now in July, based on the badgering, she admits she was at 97 lbs., not 93, which is still a very low weight for her height. Besides getting the number right, the operative word in the sentence is "was", stating that her scary skinny days are behind her.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Tori Spelling says she did weigh 97 lbs.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 19 July 2010

Usually, Tori Spelling is on the cover of a supermarket rag because of her troubled marriage to Dean McDermott. There have also been cover stories about her weight, all of them in Weekly Life & Style.

The first story in April said she weighed 93 lbs. (she's listed at 5'6") and said she was starving to death. I know it's just a figure of speech, but I put her on the Not Long 4 This World list because the word "death" was used.

The second story in May was Tori saying she wasn't too skinny.

And now in July, based on the badgering, she admits she was at 97 lbs., not 93, which is still a very low weight for her height. Besides getting the number right, the operative word in the sentence is "was", stating that her scary skinny days are behind her.

On the Rocks Alert:Dean tells Tori marriage is DOOMED!

Publication: Star
Date: 5 July 2010

I'll admit it. I love the word "doomed". It has a great sound to it, don't you think? It's the perfect sound to mean completely screwed, especially if you stretch the sound out so it takes two or three seconds to say.

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

Makes for a nice break in the day.

But just a word of advice to Dean McDermott. If you don't want to be married, just leave, don't talk about it like this. As far as I can tell, Tori's mom wants them to break up, Dean wants to break up and Tori may have some serious psychological problems.

Sounds to me like the marriage is... DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

On the Rocks Alert:Dean tells Tori marriage is DOOMED!

Publication: Star
Date: 5 July 2010

I'll admit it. I love the word "doomed". It has a great sound to it, don't you think? It's the perfect sound to mean completely screwed, especially if you stretch the sound out so it takes two or three seconds to say.

DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

Makes for a nice break in the day.

But just a word of advice to Dean McDermott. If you don't want to be married, just leave, don't talk about it like this. As far as I can tell, Tori's mom wants them to break up, Dean wants to break up and Tori may have some serious psychological problems.

Sounds to me like the marriage is... DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

You So Crazy Alert™:Tori Spelling scared her husband will cheat on her

Publication: People
Date: 21 June 2010

This one perplexes me. People, as reliable a supermarket rag as exists, says that in her new book Tori Spelling will admit she is afraid her husband Dean McDermott will cheat on her.

How do you get over this? How can she trust him if she thinks this way, regardless of whether he's been faithful or not?

Very strange.

You So Crazy Alert™:Tori Spelling scared her husband will cheat on her

Publication: People
Date: 21 June 2010

This one perplexes me. People, as reliable a supermarket rag as exists, says that in her new book Tori Spelling will admit she is afraid her husband Dean McDermott will cheat on her.

How do you get over this? How can she trust him if she thinks this way, regardless of whether he's been faithful or not?

Very strange.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Tori Spelling says she's not too skinny

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 May 2010

Tori Spelling got on the Not Long 4 This World list last month for being scary skinny. This month she gets to set the record straight in Weekly Life & Style.

What supermarket rag reported the story that she was a 93 pound skeleton near death?

Weekly Life & Style.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Tori Spelling says she's not too skinny

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 31 May 2010

Tori Spelling got on the Not Long 4 This World list last month for being scary skinny. This month she gets to set the record straight in Weekly Life & Style.

What supermarket rag reported the story that she was a 93 pound skeleton near death?

Weekly Life & Style.

Love Bird Alert™:Tori says "I Do" again

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 24 May 2010

Two different rags have the story of Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott renewing their wedding vows. Weekly Life & Style asks the important question "Why?"

Well, from Tori's point of view, why wouldn't she want to hold onto this big sulky hair product abuser?

From Dean's point of view, there's no better way to piss off Tori's bitchy mom.

Come to think of it, that might be Tori's number one reason as well.

Love Bird Alert™:Tori says "I Do" again

Publications: Us Weekly, Weekly Life & Style
Date: 24 May 2010

Two different rags have the story of Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott renewing their wedding vows. Weekly Life & Style asks the important question "Why?"

Well, from Tori's point of view, why wouldn't she want to hold onto this big sulky hair product abuser?

From Dean's point of view, there's no better way to piss off Tori's bitchy mom.

Come to think of it, that might be Tori's number one reason as well.

Completely Vague Title Alert:Hollywood housekeepers tell all!

Publication: Star
Date: 17 May 2010

Star magazine gives away how the tabloids work this week on the cover. They get a lot of their stuff from housekeepers of famous people.

Yes, the people who pick up crap and get paid crap supplement their crappy salaries by telling crap to crap magazines.

The people who get trash said about them by people who take out their trash are Tori Spelling, George Clooney, Kate Gosselin, Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. The cover also had that cutesy trick of not saying anything specific about anyone, just asking "Who's a hoarder?" and "Who's a cross dresser?"

If you wanna know, buy the magazine your own self.

Completely Vague Title Alert:Hollywood housekeepers tell all!

Publication: Star
Date: 17 May 2010

Star magazine gives away how the tabloids work this week on the cover. They get a lot of their stuff from housekeepers of famous people.

Yes, the people who pick up crap and get paid crap supplement their crappy salaries by telling crap to crap magazines.

The people who get trash said about them by people who take out their trash are Tori Spelling, George Clooney, Kate Gosselin, Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston and Angelina Jolie. The cover also had that cutesy trick of not saying anything specific about anyone, just asking "Who's a hoarder?" and "Who's a cross dresser?"

If you wanna know, buy the magazine your own self.

On the rocks alert:Tori's divorce drama

Publication: Star magazine

Date: 26 Apr. 2010

If you believe this morning's headline from Weekly Life & Style, Tori Spelling weighs about 9 lbs., 10 oz. and will soon be lifted by a strong wind and blown away. If you believe this story from Star magazine, she has a 185 lb. growth that she has to lose and fast.

Tori's mom Candy, who from all accounts is quite the piece of work, doesn't like Tori's husband, actor Dean McDermott, and she is offering him ten million dollars to take a hike.

I'm not sure I'd be happy doing the work, but I would love to get a job with that kind of severance package, wouldn't you?

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Tori Spelling weighs 93 pounds

Publication: Weekly Life & Style

Date: 26 Apr. 2010

We get another Damn You Skinny Alert™ this week not of the "Girl, you look fine!" type, but instead of the "Somebody give her a sandwich!" category. If her listed height of 5'6" is correct and the story is accurate that she weighs 93 pounds, she is at least 25% under the lowest recommended weight for a woman her size, possibly more.

Weekly Life & Style uses the phrase "starving to death" in the headline, and so I am going to add Tori's name to the Not Long 4 This World list. I made a judgment call a while back when In Touch said Kendra Wilkinson was "dying to be thin" that she would not be added to the tabloid death watch just because she was trying to lose the weight she gained during pregnancy. If the numbers are valid, and in the tabloids you can never be sure of that, this situation is very different.