Love Bird Alert™: Eva Longoria has a new fella.

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 21 February 2011

Weekly Life & Style tells us that Eva Longoria is in love already, having left her cheating husband, basketball player Tony Parker. Her new guy is not mentioned either on the cover or on their website, and I have rules about opening the magazines up, so I don't know if this is the same guy mentioned in OK! last month, Spanish pop singer Eduardo Cruz.

In accordance with this blog's pro-love policy, we wish the happy couple all the best, whoever they are.

Love Bird Alert™:Eva Longoria and Penelope Cruz's brother

Publication: OK!
Date: 17 January 2011

In general, the gossip rags are much more interested in a couple where both people are famous than a couple where only one person is famous. This is why Eva Longoria's alleged new beau is introduced as Penelope Cruz's brother instead of some nobody named Eduardo Cruz. He actually has some fame in his own right, since he is a Spanish pop singer, but that doesn't cut the mustard with the people standing in lines in supermarkets in Topeka.

Pulling a Bullock™:Eva Longoria talks about adoption

Publication: In Touch
Date: 3 January 2011

Scenario. Imagine you are a female celebrity, rich, famous and good looking, married to a celebrity husband. Life is good. Then suddenly, everybody in the world knows your husband is a cheating dog. Now, instead of envied and admired, you are pitied by "nice people" and the less generous wonder if your husband's inability to keep it in his pants doesn't reflect on you in some way.

What can you do?

If you are Eva Longoria, you Pull a Bullock™.

Readers of the gossip rags this year will know what I mean by this, though readers from the U.K. will probably snigger at the phrase. Adopt some poor deserving orphan and raise the child on your own with only an army of paid professional to help. If we believe In Touch, Eva Longoria is planning to do just that, and because she is clearly The Wronged Woman, this qualifies as a Full Bullock™. Earlier stories about Kim Kardashian thinking about adoption as a single woman would qualify as a Half Bullock™.

I've created a new label, Pulling a Bullock™. Eva may be alone in trying to repeat this exact move, but given what a huge P.R. success Sandy had this year and the lack of originality in Hollywood, I wouldn't be surprised if this happens again.

Note: Sandra Bullock did NOT Pull a Bullock™. For this generation, she pretty much invented the damn move. You can't steal your own material.

Love Bird Alert™?:Eva is still seeing Tony

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 3 January 2011

One sign that a gossip story is not over yet is when magazines publish contradictory stories in the same week. So it is with Tony Parker and Eva Longoria this week, with Weekly Life & Style saying the diminutive actress is still seeing her cheating basketball husband.

On the rocks alert:Eva confronts Tony at last

Publication: OK!
Date: 20 December 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays! Last trash of the week... right now!

Last month, the Eva Longoria-Tony Parker split looked like it might become the next big supermarket rag story, but it's already fading away. The only mention this week was in OK!, which is about a half step up from the Globe and the low rent Examiner.

Also, a LOT of confirmed break-ups have been reported this week in online gossip outlets, including Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds, so Eva and Tony's marital drama may be overshadowed by the tribulations of more famous people.

On the Rocks alert:Inside Hollywood's nastiest divorces

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 December 2010

The Globe has a story about the worst current celebrity divorce cases. There are pictures on the cover of Eva Longoria, Courteney Cox and Kelsey Grammer. I put only Mr. Grammer's picture up because the idea that he is going through emotional torment makes me smile. There are all kinds of creepy Republicans, but the selfish smug drug addict Republicans may be my least favorite of all.

On the rocks alert:stories that mention both Eva Longoria and Tony Parker

Publications: People, In Touch, Star
Date: 6 December 2010

Let the record show that last week, only Us Weekly had the story of Eva Longoria and Tony Parker breaking up because of multiple infidelities, and the story richly deserves the Scoop of the Week label. This week, the break-up is the topic of seven cover stories, which would have been a record any other week of the year except this one, when Wills'N'Kate blew up and got a very hard to top eight cover stories, either together or separately.

People used most of the front cover to talk about Kate Middleton, so they just have the headline "Eva & Tony's Ugly Split".

Star's headline has a little more detail, going with "Eva confronts Tony about other women".

In Touch has the greatest level of detail of all the supermarket rags about the story. Their headlines are as follows.

Eva's Agony: It's Worse Than She Knows
Tony spent hours in VIP rooms at strip clubs with Eva look-alikes
"Groupies always around"
Humiliating STD test
Eva fast tracks plan to adopt

The adoption detail is unique to In Touch, so if it turns out to be true and she follows in Sandra Bullock's foot steps, you heard it here first.

On the rocks alert:Eva Longoria's side of the story

Publications: Weekly Life & Style, OK!, Us Weekly
Date: 6 December 2010

Wills'N'Kate is the biggest story of the week by far in The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, but not far behind is the Eva Longoria-Tony Parker break-up. Some covers only mention her, others only him, so mention both. Weekly Life & Style and Us Weekly go with "Eva's Revenge" as the headline, while OK! has "How Eva Found Out".

On the rocks alert:Eva Longoria files for divorce from Tony Parker

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 29 November 2010

Us Weekly is on a roll. They scooped the rest of the gossip rags last week about the royal engagement, and this week they have the most interesting new break-up story, Eva Longoria filing for divorce from her husband, NBA star Tony Parker. The star of Desperate Housewives found many suspicious texts on her husband's cell phone and that lead to the discovery that he was having an affair.

There have been a lot of stories of big stars from team sports behaving badly this year, most notably two quarterbacks with Super Bowl rings, Brett Favre and Ben Roethlisberger, but they have had zero mentions on the covers of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter in 2010. Other than Tiger Woods, who is a very special case, athletes are interesting gossip only when linked to female celebrities.