Damn You Skinny Alert™: How Jordin Sparks lost 30 lbs.

Publication: People
Date: 27 June 2011

Welcome to gossip heck, Jordin Sparks! I say "gossip heck" instead of gossip hell because the 21 year old winner of American False Idol in 2006 is on the cover of People and it's about weight loss, which is one of the nicest kinds of gossip, right up there with finding true love, getting married or having a baby.

Meanest Story nominee: James Durbin held a knife to the throat of a child.

Publication: Star
Date: 23 May 2011

Welcome to gossip hell, James Durbin! The American Idol contestant who was sent home this week is accused by Star of hold a knife to the throat of a child.

Looking online, all I've found out about him is that he was diagnosed with Tourette's and Asperger's, which are major obstacles to overcome.

This is a nominee for Meanest Story of the Week.

Steven Tyler: "I'm lucky to be alive."

Publication: People
Date: 9 May 2011

People has an interview with the Steven Tyler. Here are the headlines.

• the Aerosmith wild man on his four kids, eight rehabs and stunning comeback on American (False) Idol.
  
• "I don't ever want to be a bad example again."

He's on that awful show, so he'll always be a bad example of music for me.

On the rocks alert: American False Idol's Pia caught in love triangle.

Publication: Star
Date: 25 April 2011

So there's this girl named Pia on American False Idol who has already been sent packing who is hooking up with another contestant named Stefano and Mark Ballas from Dancing With The Stars, the poor bastard who had to drag Bristol Palin's fat ass around the stage last year.

I cannot add up the amount of "I don't care" I have about this story, and I'm a professional mathematician.

Creepy Love Bird Alert™:Steven Tyler's teen lover.

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 14 February 2011

Nobody thought Steven Tyler was worth gossiping about last year, but now that he's on American False Idol, he gets a story about his teen lover.

From like forty years ago.

Back when Aerosmith first hit and he was 25, his girlfriend was underage and he saw her for about three years. A 25 year old with a 15 year old is creepy, but of course reading the headline, you might think he had a young girlfriend jumping his now 62 year old bones, and that would be downright disgusting.

Secrets of American False Idol

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 14 February 2011

It's not good news for American False Idol that the low rent Examiner thinks the show will be popular with their target demographic of old shut-ins. Just to show how out of step the tabloid is, the stories they mention on the cover are that Simon Cowell is a pervert and Kelly Clarkson was caught in a love triangle.

Cowell is no longer with the show and Clarkson was the winner back in the first season that ended in 2002. Not exactly the hottest iron to strike with, though her career is still one of the most successful launched by the show, only eclipsed by Carrie Underwood so far.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Paula Abdul hates J. Lo!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 24 January 2011

There are a lot of stories about bad blood going both ways between Paula Abdul and Jennifer Lopez, two alleged singers who are actually much better at dancing. The low rent Examiner says it's the former American Idol judge who hates the current one.

It may have something to do with both of them going out in public wearing the same hideous dress.

Breaking news:Jennifer Lopez will NOT be a judge on American False Idol

Publication: People (online)
Date: 11 August 2010

Lots of gossip sources had Jennifer Lopez as a new judge on American False Idol next year, including OK! on the cover just this week. Now, People is reporting in their online edition that negotiations have fallen through. The people at Fox are now of the opinion that J. Lo is a high maintenance drama queen with entirely too many demands.

What? They couldn't have given Ben Affleck a call? That would have been so hard?

Breaking news:Jennifer Lopez will NOT be a judge on American False Idol

Publication: People (online)
Date: 11 August 2010

Lots of gossip sources had Jennifer Lopez as a new judge on American False Idol next year, including OK! on the cover just this week. Now, People is reporting in their online edition that negotiations have fallen through. The people at Fox are now of the opinion that J. Lo is a high maintenance drama queen with entirely too many demands.

What? They couldn't have given Ben Affleck a call? That would have been so hard?

J. Lo's Idol Drama

Publication: OK!
Date: 16 August 2010

OK! wants us to know there was some drama involved before Jennifer Lopez was chosen to be the new judge on American False Idol, the pagan conspiracy aimed at destroying our nation's Christian values, propagated by an evil broadcast web brazenly calling itself Fox, the most cunning of thieves of the animal kingdom.

Sorry... I was channeling some very confused televangelist for a second there. Still, I kinda like American False Idol. I'm gonna use that more often.

Again, I didn't open up the mag to find out what the drama was. Some online sources say she was not the first choice, only getting the gig after Elton John and Barry Manilow passed.

That's gotta be embarrassing.

J. Lo's Idol Drama

Publication: OK!
Date: 16 August 2010

OK! wants us to know there was some drama involved before Jennifer Lopez was chosen to be the new judge on American False Idol, the pagan conspiracy aimed at destroying our nation's Christian values, propagated by an evil broadcast web brazenly calling itself Fox, the most cunning of thieves of the animal kingdom.

Sorry... I was channeling some very confused televangelist for a second there. Still, I kinda like American False Idol. I'm gonna use that more often.

Again, I didn't open up the mag to find out what the drama was. Some online sources say she was not the first choice, only getting the gig after Elton John and Barry Manilow passed.

That's gotta be embarrassing.

Breaking news:Ellen DeGeneres leaving American Idol

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 30 July 2010

The big gossip news today is that Ellen DeGeneres has decided to leave American Idol. The story makes it sound like the departure is her idea, which is a different take than the Examiner had in early June when they said she would be fired.

Other sources may weigh in to say she was actually forced out, but Ellen's reason sounds like her. She likes helping make people's dreams come true and she kind of hates crushing people's hopes. American Idol is a lot more about crushing than it is about helping, though the evidence is strong that losing on that show is a better career move than winning.

Best wishes to Ellen in her future plans. She still has her daytime TV show and her cute as a button wife, so life can't suck much.

Breaking news:Ellen DeGeneres leaving American Idol

Publication: Associated Press
Date: 30 July 2010

The big gossip news today is that Ellen DeGeneres has decided to leave American Idol. The story makes it sound like the departure is her idea, which is a different take than the Examiner had in early June when they said she would be fired.

Other sources may weigh in to say she was actually forced out, but Ellen's reason sounds like her. She likes helping make people's dreams come true and she kind of hates crushing people's hopes. American Idol is a lot more about crushing than it is about helping, though the evidence is strong that losing on that show is a better career move than winning.

Best wishes to Ellen in her future plans. She still has her daytime TV show and her cute as a button wife, so life can't suck much.

Ellen Degeneres will be fired from American Idol

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 14 June 2010

The Examiner has the special scoop that American Idol will fire Ellen DeGeneres from her job as a judge on the show. I have not seen any confirmation anywhere else, so I will assume it's just more Examiner crap until proven otherwise.

Ellen Degeneres will be fired from American Idol

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 14 June 2010

The Examiner has the special scoop that American Idol will fire Ellen DeGeneres from her job as a judge on the show. I have not seen any confirmation anywhere else, so I will assume it's just more Examiner crap until proven otherwise.

Bells Done Rung™?:Crystal Bowersox's Vegas Vows

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 10 May 2010

I want to thank Star magazine for realizing that not everyone knows who Crystal Bowersox is and using her first and last name on the cover. The American Idol contestant was in Las Vegas for the show's Elvis week, and she had a ceremony with her boyfriend to pledge their love. They say it wasn't a marriage, but it did include an Elvis impersonator as the official, so in Nevada, I think that means those crazy kids done got hitched.

Bells Done Rung™?:Crystal Bowersox's Vegas Vows

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 10 May 2010

I want to thank Star magazine for realizing that not everyone knows who Crystal Bowersox is and using her first and last name on the cover. The American Idol contestant was in Las Vegas for the show's Elvis week, and she had a ceremony with her boyfriend to pledge their love. They say it wasn't a marriage, but it did include an Elvis impersonator as the official, so in Nevada, I think that means those crazy kids done got hitched.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Simon and Ryan's back stage brawl

Publication: Globe

Date: 19 Apr. 2010

While the tabloids have gone crazy for Dancing With The Stars, there's still American Idol, the most popular show of the decade. There must be some dirt on that show, right?

According to the Globe, Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell had a backstage brawl. Looking at their relatives sizes, the smart money is on Simon.

But millionaires going out in public on a red carpet wearing t-shirts? This forces me to introduce a new element and new label to the blog, the disapproving rabbit.

Guys! Spend some cash! Show some pride! The public has reasonable expectations of decorum.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™: Ellen and Simon are wrecking American Idol

Publication: Globe

Date: 15 Mar. 2010

The end of the tabloid week is upon us, and on Wednesdays I write up the headlines that didn't interest me that much during the week.

Once again, we are told that Ellen and Simon don't get along and that they are ruining American Idol.

For me, this isn't good enough. I want to see the "Brave Last Days" alert or "Not Long 4 This World" alert for this show. Just let me know when this nonsense will end and then I'll be happy.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Ellen and Simon still not getting along

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 22 Feb. 2010

What's the difference between this week's story and last week's story on the same topic? Different supermarket rag.

I still care to the sum of zero.