New Rule: Skeeter Davis Alert™

Here's another tabloid category I can check on. The end of the world! I could choose R.E.M. or Prince or many other singers to give the name to the category, but here's Miss Skeeter Davis being straight up country and not even a little bit crossover singing her great hit End of the World on some old hillbilly music show.

Matty Boy, did you choose Miss Skeeter over Michael Stipe or The Purple One because of her wonderful hair?

Hypothetical question asker, you know me too well.

So anyway, whenever one of the tabloids predicts the End Times, I'll be sure to mark it down here at It's News 2 Them™, giving the name of the publication, the date of the prediction and the date of the publication.

Expect a lot of these to be in the Sun, which has taken over from the dearly departed Weekly World News as the tabloid of record for crazy ass prophecy. Unlike WWN, the Sun is published in color, which I guess is a point in its favor, but it will never tell you about the life and times of Bat Boy or the alien that endorses presidential candidates. Dang, I miss those guys!

Bell Are Ringing Alert™: Carrie Underwood and Mike Fisher

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 11 Jan. 2010

I don't watch American Idol and I rarely watch hockey, but these two lovebirds are supposedly tying the knot, and I wish them every happiness.

I think Carrie's sweet on him because he has as many of his own teeth as most of her fans have.

Bell Are Ringing Alert™: George Clooney and Elisabetta Canalis

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 04 Jan. 2010

Do you believe George Clooney is giving up the bachelor life? Is this fabulously attractive young woman actually clearly superior to all the fabulous babes he has squired over the past few years?

It's in a supermarket tabloid headline, so it's printed here. Personally, I'll believe it when I see it.

On The Rocks Alert: Charles and Camilla

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 04 Jan. 2010

From what I can gather so far, the National Examiner may be the least reliable of the tabloids. On their cover this week, Jug-Eared Chuck has supposedly had it UP TO HERE with Camilla and her boozing, and he told her he wished he had never married her.

If you saw The Queen, you have to wonder exactly how much drinking is too much drinking in that family. Getting thrown out of that family for too much booze is like getting thrown out of an Irish punk rock band for too much booze.

I'm not saying it isn't possible. Just ask Shane MacGowan.

Still, it's a prediction and it's in the tabs, so it's right at home here at It's News 2 Them™.

On The Rocks Alert: George and Laura Bush

Publication: Globe
Date: 11 Jan. 2010

The Globe has been going with this story for years. While all the tabloids printed on newsprint are from the same parent organization, I think the Globe is the main perpetrator of stories about Bush marriage discord.

According to them, the two problems are

1) George is still drinking and Laura is sick of it, and
2) George is tomcatting around with Condoleezza Rice.

The reason this time is #2, and supposedly Laura found the love letters. Do either George or Condi strike you as the love letter type? Yeah, me neither.

I have no fond feelings for anyone involved in this story, but I still don't believe this crap for a minute. Then again, if the Bushes divorce, remember, you heard it in the Globe first.

On the Rocks update: Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller divorcing

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 11 Jan. 2010

I'm going to make a special category of On The Rocks update, since the tabloids did not break the story that the Sheen-Mueller union was in trouble until the legitimate press got the story from the police blotter. Since they have not divorced yet, it's still a prediction, and we will see how it plays out, but they only get partial credit for a correct answer on this one. They are supposed to let us know about the possibility of bloodshed and arrests before they happen.

On the Rocks Alert: BrAngelina

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 11 Jan. 2010

It's the first official tabloid break-up report of 2010 for Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. She's cheating on him and he's had enough. Expect many more of these this year, though the person cheating and the person fed up may change.