On The Rocks Alert: Angelina Smacks Brad Around

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 Jan. 2010

Well, even The Flagship is getting in on the BrAngelina break-up fun. According to them, she hit him multiple times and bloodied his nose. They have a picture of Brad with a bloody nose, but it's obviously a still from the movie Burn After Reading, since Brad wouldn't wear his hair like that in real life and right now, Brad currently has a very long and kinda scraggly beard and in that movie, he was clean shaven.

More BrAngelina hot mess tomorrow. I've only been on the job two weeks, but as far as I can tell, it never ends in the tabloids.

On The Rocks update: Charlie Sheen and Brooke Mueller staying together

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 18 Jan. 2010

It took only two weeks, but now all bases are covered. We can be certain there was an incident involving domestic violence, what with the arrest and all, but now we have Us Weekly telling us these wacky lovebirds are going to stay together and try to work things out, which contradicts the earlier report in Star Magazine that they are going to divorce.

This gives us a clue as to how uncannily correct the tabloids are. Predict every possibility and somebody has to get it right.

On The Rocks Alert: BrAngelina

Publication: Star Magazine
Date: 18 Jan. 2010

I may have to get another picture of Brad and Angie, because the tabloids are absolutely in love with them. There are three stories this week alone, and there's still mags whose covers I haven't seen yet.

Oi!

The special wrinkle reported this week in Star Magazine is that Brad's family had an intervention, and is begging him to leave her.

I saw reported in a "reputable" source The Huffington Post that Brad and Angie don't have a publicist, so don't expect any denials coming out about any of this stuff. If they break up, I'm going to have a lot of work putting the "confirmed" labels on all these posts, but until then, all we can assume is that this crap grabs eyeballs, and eyeball grabbing is what the tabs are all about.

(Note: I've decided to stick to three posts a day to stretch the stuff out, since most of tabs appear first on Fridays here on the West Coast.)

On The Rocks Alert: Barack and Michelle Obama

Publication: Globe
Date: 18 Jan. 2010

Just to show that the Globe is an equal opportunity hater, this week they are telling us that the Obamas are just one bad day away from breaking up. If we are to believe the Globe, Michelle is BIG on the drama and crazy jealous, though who she is jealous of was not important enough to put on the front page.

So to re-iterate: If any president or ex-president under the age of 80 gets a divorce, you already knew about it if you read the Globe.

Brave Last Days Alert: Dennis Hopper

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 18 Jan. 2010

Here's adding insult to injury. Dennis Hopper, already publicly admitting his prostate diagnosis, is now close to death, according to The Flagship, and he's told friends he's ready for the end.

And the Enquirer isn't even putting it on the front page! It's on the website! I wouldn't have seen it except that my friend Amelia took me up on my request to have people e-mail me when they see something. Thanks for the heads up, hon, and Go Knicks!

Sorry, Dennis, but your face on the cover just doesn't grab the eyeballs like Miss Loretta Lynn or a bunch of people who the Enquirer can insinuate are gay.

I know some of these Brave Last Days Alerts are going to come true, but I wish Mr. Hopper all the best. He's done a lot of great work in his career, but I have a special soft spot for Cool Hand Luke, one of the great trivia movies of all time when it comes to the depth of the cast.

UPDATE: Dennis Hopper died on May 29, 2010.

Bells Done Rung™: Vince Vaughn and Kyla Weber

Publication: Huffington Post
Date: 05 Jan. 2010

Vince Vaughn, an actor whose name has been romantically linked to several of his co-stars, was engaged last May to Kyla Weber, a real estate agent born in Canada. According to his publicist, the couple got married this weekend in an honest to God "quiet ceremony".

While the wedding itself was in the regular press before it hit the tabloids, hence the new label of Bells Done Rung™, Us Weekly broke the news of the engagement last spring, so the wedding gives them a confirmation, the first so far.

Skeeter Davis Alert™: World Ends on May 21, 2011

Publication: San Francisco Chronicle
Date: 01 Jan. 2010

Allegedly reputable newspaper The San Francisco Chronicle gave valuable column inches to "biblical scholar" Dr. Harold Camping, who is back to tell us that the world will end in on May 21, 2011 to be exact. He used to be a civil engineer, so he's really good with numbers.

Fans of end times prophecy will recognize Dr. Camping's name, as he already predicted the end of the world twice, once in 1994 and then again in 1995, after the first one didn't work out. Three times lucky, Doc!

Technically, the Chronicle isn't a tabloid and isn't a supermarket newspaper and this wasn't a front page headline, but ever since super annoying Komodo Dragon snack Phil Bronstein has been running the paper, I really have a hard time telling the difference.