On the Rocks Alert: Angelina afraid of Jen

Publication: OK! Magazine
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

In what should be the last post of this week's tabloids, OK! tells us that Angelina Jolie is afraid of Jennifer Aniston.

Let's get real. Angelina Jolie was married to Billy Bob Thornton. Her dad is Jon Voight. It's gonna take a lot to scare a woman whose been through those experiences.

My best guess is that this is once more a case of The Rule Of More Celebrities coming into play.

On the Rocks Alert: Michael Jordan calls Elin

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

Whenever there's a nasty break-up, friends have to choose sides. If we are to believe The Flagship, Michael Jordan is on Team Elin, offering her support and consolation. Since none of the people on this alleged phone call actually talked to the reporters from the Enquirer, it could also be that Jordan is on Team Tiger and was calling as a go-between. There's also the possibility that Michael Jordan is on Team Michael, but let's leave that one alone for the moment.

An important rule of tabloid journalism: If there is a mess involving celebrities, the more celebrities the better.

On The Rocks Update: Tiger Calls Elin

Publication: People Magazine
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

According to the generally reliable People, Tiger called his estranged wife. To find out what he said, I would have to read the article, and I'm not going to do that.

It's kind of comforting to know that the world's most focused and disciplined athlete can fall prey to drunk dialing. Misery loves company, and who could know more misery or be in larger company than a fool in love?

Bun In The Oven Alert™: Angelina's Dangerous Pregnancy

Publication: In Touch
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

The tabloids hate TomKat and BrAngelina, but if you break it down, the hatred is really for Tom Cruise and Angelina Jolie, respectively. Reading the headlines, you can see there is some residual love in the gutter press for Brad Pitt and Katie Holmes and the hope that each of them will come to their senses and get out of their respective marriages.

Maybe the tabloids want Brad and Katie to get hitched. What would they be called, I wonder. BradKat? Br'Katie? The possibilities are endless.

So, what about the headline? I have no idea why Jolie's pregnancy is dangerous. So far, it's just a rumor of a pregnancy, and there were rumors she was pregnant early last year which didn't pan out. She has given birth to three kids, Shiloh in 2006 and the twins Knox and Vivienne in 2008. The couple does not have a publicist, so don't expect a confirmation or denial of the pregnancy unless Angelina damn well feels like talking to the press, and unless it's a charity event, she usually doesn't feel like it.

You So Crazy Alert™: Charlie Sheen tells his side of the story.

Publication: In Touch
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

In Touch magazine made the editorial decision this week to pay the Palins $100,000 to get a cover story. Obviously money well spent.

The geniuses running the magazine also decided that what Americans really want is to hear Charlie Sheen in his own words explain why the police had to come to his place to break up a really scary domestic beef.



But the late great Rick James said it first and more succinctly.

On The Rocks Alert: John Edwards cheating again.

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

Just two years ago, I voted for this guy for the Democratic nomination in the California primary.

Oopsie.

The Flagship has John Edwards as the cover boy this week, claiming he has bedded yet another blond bimbo who is not his wife.

If he were actually still in politics, this would ruin his career. The public has no interest in guys who cheat on their wives over and over again. Just ask Mark Sanford or Rudy Giuliani or John Ensign or Bill Clinton.

I tell ya, Americans opened the floodgate when that divorced guy Ronald Reagan was elected, and it's been a trip to hell in a handbasket ever since.

You So Crazy Alert™: Heidi Montag has 10 plastic surgeries in one day

Publication: People Magazine
Date: 25 Jan. 2010

Let us stipulate that the lowest form of celebrity is reality TV star, though beauty queen and relative of a celebrity are also in contention for the bottom rung. Heidi Montag started on the MTV reality show Laguna Beach and then became the star of the spin-off reality show The Hills. An attractive young lady who desperately wants to be famous, she proclaims herself a born-again Christian while posing naked in Playboy.

While I say "attractive", obviously this is a matter of controversy, even for her, as she has decided to have ten separate plastic surgeries, and these are not her first. In the before and after photoshopped pictures above, the most obvious change is the boob job, which is actually her second, the first pair not obnoxiously big enough. If you click on the picture, you'll see she's getting a nose job, chin job, butt implants, multiple liposuction procedures, botox... you name it.

This woman is 23 years old. While I put her on a You So Crazy Alert™ because the shoe fits, I actually feel a little bit bad about it. People have obviously made fun if her for whatever reasons, and it has hurt her enough that she is spending a fortune and opening herself up to further ridicule in an attempt to boost her self-esteem.

In some ways, this is sadder than the silly starlets who have no control over booze and drugs. Some of them might make it out of the downward spiral only slightly worse for wear. This young woman is scarred physically for life, and it's very unlikely she'll recover any mental or emotional equilibrium either, if she ever had any.