Demon Drugs Alert: Whitney Houston back to rehab

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

The story has already been denied up and down by her people, but The Flagship has a source that says Whitney Houston will be going back to drug rehab. While the picture I found is not very flattering, the Enquirer's front page pic is a nightmare. They say she was found sweaty, dazed and confused, and the picture backs that up and then some. She's wearing sunglasses and a hat and if you told me it was a picture of John Lee Hooker back in the day wearing a wig for some reason, I would have believed you.

On the rocks alert:Jennifer Love Hewitt says she's a "love addict"

Publication: People

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

There have been several celebrity break-ups that the supermarket rags have ignored completely, but now People weighs in on the break-up of Jennifer Love Hewitt and Jamie Kennedy, who were together about a year. She says she's worried about going back out on the singles scene.

And by the way, her eyes are up near the top of the picture.

On the rocks alert:Tori's marriage crisis

Publication: Weekly Life and Style

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Do we care if Tori Spelling marriage is in trouble? Is Tori Spelling a big enough star that we only have to call her by her first name?

If "we" includes the editors of Weekly Life and Style, the answers to both questions are yes. If not, the results are not as clear cut.

Damn You Skinny Alert™:Kendra loses 10 pounds in 10 days

Publication: OK!

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Even the stories you know she approved don't put Kendra Wilkinson in a very favorable light. She posed for a bikini picture back in February, but that appears to be much more about Photoshop than in does about abdominal crunches. Now she tells us she lost 10 pounds in 10 days.

Given that she weighs 115 pounds when she is in "let me take my clothes off" shape, I'm pretty sure that quick of a weight loss is not something most doctors would recommend.

You So Crazy Alert™:The real Kendra Wilkinson story

Publication: Star

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

From what I can tell, Kendra talks to the tabloids a lot. This story comes from a source that isn't Kendra and doesn't like Kendra very much. According to the headlines, Kendra went on cocaine binges, was prone to cutting herself and spent some time in a psychiatric ward.

And here we thought she was just a nice wholesome girl who took off her clothes in public and slept with a creepy geezer old enough to be her great-grandfather so she could be rich and famous.

Jen's message to Brad

Publication: OK!

Date 29 Mar. 2010

I wasn't sure this day would come, but technically, there is no story about BrAngelina this week in the Only Ten Magazines That Matter. There are some stories about the kids of the stars, but nothing about Brad and Angelina as a couple.

Jennifer Aniston sent a message to Brad. Aren't you dying to know what it is?

Yeah, me neither.

On the rocks alert:Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel

Publication: In Touch

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Just in case you had forgotten, man slut Justin Timberlake is currently in a long term relationship with actress Jessica Biel, which should mean exotic dancers, tattooed or otherwise, are off the menu. In Touch tells us they are ready to split.