BrAngelina twins

Publications: People, OK!

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

It's Good Friday, so I'd like to have nice stories for today. It's hard to find five stories with a positive spin out of the thirty plus headlines on The Only Ten Magazines That Matter this week, but I found four and a religious story that makes sense today.

Angelina Jolie makes a big comeback as the tabloid cover queen this week, and most of the stories are of a nasty nature, but OK! and People just mention her and the babies and no editorializing. This pictures is from 2008. Knox and Vivienne will turn two in July.

Hairdresser Alert:Tiger Woods' gay scandal!

Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

Because the public doesn't hate Tiger Woods quite enough just yet, the Globe wants us to know he is involved in a gay scandal. We've already heard from some of the skanky hos he banged that his fantasies included multiple sex partners including guys, but this is the first story that implies he acted on these fantasies.

And of course, it's in the Globe, so you can take it with a grain of salt. Or even one of those jumbo bags of salt they use to melt ice on the roads.

Comfy Shoes Alert™:Anna Paquin is bisexual

Publication: WeGiveADamn.org

Date: 1 Apr. 2010

Anna Paquin, the actress who won an Oscar as a kid for her work in The Piano and can now be seen on the HBO series True Blood, has stated that she is bisexual as part of a campaign that aims to protect the rights of GLBT people.

Since Hairdresser Alert™ is my corny way of saying some man is or has been said to be gay, using the phrase most commonly used by my personal blog hero Peteykins (a.k.a. Princess Sparkle Pony), it felt like I needed a new phrase for a woman in the same situation, so I consulted with blog buddy Karen Zipdrive, who said the Comfy Shoes Alert™ would be both clear and clearly written in the spirit of good natured mocking. I guess now I have to go back and re-label all the Oprah Winfrey stuff.

This begs another question. If a woman is bisexual, does she wear one comfy shoe and one non-comfy shoe? Does she alternate days, wearing Birkenstocks on Monday, Wednesdays and Fridays and F**k Me Pumps on Tuesdays, Thursdays and the weekends?

So many questions, hypothetical question asker. So many questions.

Best wishes to Ms. Paquin from a fan. I will always remember that giggle she let out when she won the Oscar, so completely damned adorable.

Late to the Party Hairdresser alert:Ricky Martin

Publications: People, In Touch

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

Both People and In Touch go with front page stories of something that was news, but not surprising news, on Monday.

It does give us some idea of how much lead time the supermarket papers need to get a story on the cover. Recall that the news of Corey Haim's death broke early on a Wednesday and none of the tabloids covered it the next day, though four of them did put him on the cover eight days later.

That kind of lag time makes it hard to get a scoop, but they still do it from time to time.

Brave Last Days Alert:Doris Day with UPDATE

Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

The Globe headline reads "Doris Day Prepares To Die". If Cher's "deadly disease" headline is the lowest level of Brave Last Days Alert, this qualifies as the highest.

Again, this blog sends its best wishes to anyone the tabloids put on this list. Eventually, someone who they say is dying will actually die, but it's April 1st and their dead pool list does not have a single hit yet.

UPDATE: A detail I left out of the original post is that Ms. Day is spending $250,000 for a home her beloved pets can live in after she is gone.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:Cher battles deadly disease

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

Anyone who was famous before I graduated from high school gets the Hey Old Timer label, and Cher certainly qualifies. The Flagship wants us to know that she is battling a deadly disease. I don't know which one because I refuse to read the stories on principle.

I now realize that the "deadly disease" headline is the lowest level of Not Long 4 This World Alert that the tabloids have. The flu counts as a deadly disease, especially the H1N1 strain, but the vast majority of people who contract it survive. Even so, Cher gets added to the growing list of people who are allegedly at death's door, a list that includes not one person who has actually died yet three months into 2010.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Pamela Anderson hates Kate Gosselin UPDATED

Publication: Weekly Life and Style

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

Fresh trash on Thursdays!

If you went by the tabloids as your guide, you might think that Dancing With The Stars was more popular than American Idol. The more likely explanation is that the tabs have a better placed source at DTWS.

(Note: For the first time in early April 2010, DTWS actually did get better ratings than Idol.)

Whatever the case, the new reports are that Pam Anderson hates Kate Gosselin. Kate started the project with a big diva attitude and now she's trying to be friendly and Pam is having none of it.

This just goes to show that even though Pam has shown almost no good judgment in her entire life, she is not completely without the attribute.