Late to the Party alert:Robert Culp's tragic secrets

Publication: Globe

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

Detect a pattern yet? Somebody famous dies, and the next week the tabloids tell us about the sad secrets he or she took with them to the grave.

As a mathematician, I'd like to dispel the "death comes in threes" idea. Death comes when death comes. In the past month, the big American TV stars that have died are Fess Parker, Peter Graves, Robert Culp and now John Forsythe, who I expect will be on the covers of next week's tabs. In that time period, we also lost Corey Haim, much younger but not a TV star whose death was still mentioned by several tabloids, and Merlin Olsen, a character actor on TV but better known as a football player, whose death went unreported in the supermarket rags.

The tabloids were given credit for being accurate last year because they reported that Michael Jackson had six months to live, and he did die within six months. The facts are that they say that about a lot of famous people who live, and a lot of other people who are just as famous pass away without any warning sign from The Only Ten Magazines That Matter.

Best wishes to Mr. Culp's family and friends, from a fan.

Brave Last Days Alert: 100 lb. Dennis Hopper collapses - UPDATE

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

Dennis Hopper's health problems are very real, but The Flagship adds some details this week that are hard to believe. They have pictures of him collapsing and they say he now weighs 100 pounds. According to different websites, he's either 5'9" or 5'7". I stood in line with him at the Skywalker Ranch cafeteria about twenty years ago, and I remember that he isn't a big guy, but neither was he tiny. Even if we go with him being 5'7", I don't know how a man could survive at that height weighing 100 pounds.

Best wishes to Mr. Hopper and his family. Of all the people on the Brave Last Days watch list, I fear Dennis is the one who actually is not long for this world.

UPDATE: Dennis Hopper died on May 29, 2010.

Not Long 4 This World Alert:Bill Clinton drinking himself to death

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

This is the third report from three different tabloids that Bill Clinton is not long for this world. There is the true story part of it that he was hospitalized after an incident of heart trouble, reported by the Associated Press, but the tabloids have told us the situation is far worse than people have let on. The Examiner adds the new detail that he is drinking himself to death.

For anyone coming to this blog for the first time to this post, you should know that as of April 3, 2010, the tabloids have told us that 24 different people are close to death so far this year, and as of early April, all 24 are still alive.

Best wishes to President Clinton and his family.

Good Friday miracle alert:James Brown's body is missing.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 5 Apr. 2010

There was a distribution snafu last week and the National Examiner that should have been delivered last week was nowhere to be found in my trips around Oakland. But lo, on this Good Friday, when the new Examiner could be found at DeLauer's, last week's Examiner miraculously appeared at Lucky's supermarket to tell us the wonderful mystery.

The body of James Brown is not to be found.

And lo, and angel of the Lord appeared to them and said:

"Why do you seek the living among the dead? Have you checked the hot tub?"

Let's hit it and quit!

Multiple Love Bird Alert™:Taylor Swift and...?

Publications: Star, OK!

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

After two months of leaving the young woman alone, Taylor Swift is fodder for the tabloids once again. OK!, the nicest of the supermarket magazines, once again tell us that "it's on!" between the country singer and Cory Monteith from the TV show Glee.

The not so nice Star magazine says that in fact she is in a love triangle between Monteith and hunky Twilight werewolf Taylor Lautner.

I have no idea where the truth lies here, but if we accept the premise of blog buddy Karen Zipdrive, Monteith is more likely to be interested in the dark haired Taylor than he is to be interested in the blonde Taylor.

Skeeter Davis Alert™:End Times have already begun

Publication: Sun

Date: 12 Apr. 2010

While this isn't happy news on Good Friday, if true it means the world is closer to the day when Jesus returns to rule in glory, so it must count as good news for somebody.

The Sun's prophecy headlines were a little vague, but the idea is that the evangelists have secret news that is not in your Bible, that tells more about the Resurrection and points to signs that the End Times have already begun. The word "evangelist" here doesn't refer to Oral Roberts, but to the folks who wrote the Gospels, like Matthew, Mark, Luke and John. As my favorite Biblical scholar Padre Mickey tells me, it's very unlikely that anyone has found new passages from the Four Gospels in the book, but there were many Gospels that early Christians considered part of the canon, including Gospels by Thomas, Mary Magdalene and Judas. Some of these books are much wackier than the stuff you'll find in the drawer of a motel.

This is not to say that the prediction of the end times are true, only that the Sun actually might have an ancient text that is the basis for their story and not just some made up nonsense. Wikipedia says that of all the tabloids, the Sun is the only one that has a disclaimer that their stuff is "for entertainment purposes only".

Then again, The Boston Red Sox did win the World Series, Appalachian State did beat Michigan in college football and George W. Bush was elected President of the United States twice. Maybe one of those times when somebody said "This has to be a sign of the apocalypse!", that person actually got it right.

Love Bird Alert™:Angela Lansbury finds love.

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 29 Apr. 2010

My rule for Hey Old Timer gossip is that the subject has to have been famous before I graduated high school. Angela Lansbury was in Gaslight, a movie released before my dad graduated high school, so this definitely counts.

The National Examiner, which is almost as nasty as the Enquirer but skews towards an older demographic, has a rare nice story on the cover this week about Angela Lansbury finding a new special someone.

Best wishes to the happy couple.