She fought the law alert™:Sarah Palin murder scandal

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 3 May 2010

Sarah Palin has clearly made the big time. The Examiner regularly assumes their readers hate major politicians, usually presidents or ex-presidents, is dishing dirt on the IQuit-arod champ. If we are to believe them, she's involved in a murder scandal.

Let me be clear. I have no love in my heart for Sarah Palin. But if there were anything to this, there are about a jillion news organizations that would be all over this story like ugly on a snake. If something this bad happens in her life, it's more likely to be in Newsweek or the Washington Post than it is to be in the Examiner, one of the three least reliable supermarket rags along with the Sun and the Globe.

He Fought The Law Alert™:John Edwards DUI Cover Up

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 3 May 2010

Do you hate John Edwards enough yet? The Flagship thinks not.

According to the Enquirer, John Edwards was involved in a DUI and he lied to the cops about it. Clearly, Edwards pissed in the punch bowl of someone at the Enquirer, and they want him to go to jail.

Personally, I want to see Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld spend the rest of their lives in some comfy cell in Europe as international war criminals, but we can't always get what we want, now can we?

Breaking news:Bret Michaels hospitalized

Publication: Associated Press

Date: Apr. 23 2010

Bret Michaels, leader singer of the rock band Poison, is in critical condition following a massive brain hemorrhage. Last week, he was in the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. He was diagnosed with Type I diabetes when he was six.

Best wishes to Mr. Michaels on a full recovery.

Skeeter Davis Alert™:The prophet Gordon Elk L'su'k speaks from an empty grave.

Publication: Sun

Date: 3 May 2010

If I were a megalomaniac, I would think the Sun set up their front page with the intent purpose of making me break my vows not to read the inside. The headline said they had the exact dates of The End Times and the Resurrection in this week's prophecy story.

Like a sap, I picked up the magazine, read it and took notes. Here are the highlights.

• 3/10/2011: Cities will be ravaged by chemical and biological attacks.
• 4/27/2011: The final battle will take place.
• November 2011: The Wise Resurrected Leader will return to rule the world.

Okay! This is news that you can use! The prophet they are quoting is the great Mimac sage Gordon Elk L'su'k, who was assassinated in 1847. Among his other great visions is the foretelling of the presidency of Barack Hussein Obama. Impressive!

Except that the Mimac tribe is the Micmac tribe, native to Maine and eastern Canada, and there is no record of a Gordon Elk L'su'k that Google, Bing or Ask.com can find, which in my book means the guy was never born.

Usually, the Sun will quote (or misquote) Nostradamus or Edgar Cayce or the Lady of Fatima for their prophecies, but now instead of just making up prophecies, they are making up prophets.

Just when you thought the bar couldn't get lower, the limbo dance continues.

You So Crazy Alert™:Oprah did a lot of crazy shit.

Publication: Globe

Date: 3 May 2010

The tell all biography of Oprah is out and the tabs are leaking teasers. The ones that made the cover of the Globe this week are:

• Oprah had a gay crush on Diane Sawyer, and the blonde bimbo went and married Mike Nichols. Bad financial decision on Diane's part.
• Oprah was a teenage hooker.
• Oprah was crazy for the Bolivian Marching Powder back in the day.

Believe what you want of this Kitty Kelley crap. I find her as reliable as the tabloids.

On the rocks alert:Drugs, Spies and a Sex Tape for TomKat

Publication: Star magazine

Date: 3 May 2010

The stories in the Star and the Enquirer may be from the same source. Remember that Katie discovered Tom's secret life in the other story, so that may have involved the spies. But the other story said he's gay and this one says there's drugs and a sex tape.

Could she be the drugged out slut? It could be, but I'd have to buy the magazine and read it to find out for sure, and I'm just not that interested.

On the rocks alert with a side of Hairdresser:Tom confesses to Katie

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 3 May 2010

When I started this blog, I was of the opinion that the tabloids were always predicting the break-up of BrAngelina and TomKat. This week marks the first two On The Rocks Alerts this year for Tom and Katie.

The Flagship says that Katie Holmes has discovered Tom's secret life, and that when confronted with her discovery, he has confessed to a male lover and to drug use.

Honestly, I'm relieved it's just sex and drugs. There could have been rock 'n' roll as well. Tom Cruise rocking out would be just too much to bear.