Biggest scoop of the week:People has an exclusive interview with Michael Douglas

Publication: People
Date: 13 September 2010

Once again, People gets the exclusive interview no other supermarket checkout mag could dream of landing. Michael Douglas has announced he has Stage 4 throat cancer (click on this link to see his appearance on David Letterman) and of course, if he is going to sit down with any gossip mag, it's People without question.

He also talks about his son Cameron's run-ins with the law, how his family and friends are helping in this tough time and his optimistic outlook for recovery, the odds of which he says are 80%. The quote on the cover is "I'll beat this."

Though I write this next sentence at the end of nearly every post of this type, I mean it every time and never more than in this case.

Best wishes to Michael Douglas, his family and friends, from a fan.

Brave Last Days Alert:Annette Funicello

Publication: Globe
Date: 13 September 2010

Another name is added this week to the celebrity death watch list by one of the Three Wicked Step Sister tabloids. Annette Funicello, who has been battling MS for many years, is allegedly on death's door if you believe the Globe.



I wasn't a huge fan of the Mickey Mouse Club, though I am about the right age, and I didn't see many of the Beach Party movies, but Annette did teach us how to do the Jamaican Ska, the new dance you can't resist, and for that she will have my undying fealty.

Best wishes to Ms. Funicello and all her family and friends, from a fan.

Preview of non-coming attractions:Us Weekly pitches a shutout this week.

Here is a first for this blog, and I hope it's also a last. Of The Only Ten Magazines That Matter, only the Sun does not rely on celebrity gossip, going instead with horoscopes and predictions and advice from the same woman doctor over and over. Because of this, there are weeks when I have no story from the Sun.

For the first time, there will be NO stories from one of the gossip rags on my blog this week, because they had no stories about people I actually consider celebrities. It's an all reality show cover, and more than that, it's all CRAP reality shows. The one about teenage mothers. That show with the roses. The Non-Fake Married Women from Fill in the Blank. Three stories take up the entire cover and I don't give a rat's ass about any of them. I will not waste any electrons giving my readers the details.

See you next week, Us Weekly! Tell us something about Jen or Sandy or anybody else other than these nobodies you filled your cover with this week. Even bloggers have standards. You should try it some time.

Prophecy fail:No soul caught in a jar

Another date has come and gone without a prophecy in the Sun coming true. Back in May, they gave us a list of stuff that would happen in 2010 according to Nostradamus. According to the list, scientist would capture the soul of a dying human being in a jar. No scientist has come forward claiming such a thing, so it's another swing and a miss for everybody's favorite vague French 16th Century poet and prophet.

Or maybe we should give the fail to the pointy headed scientists who failed to do this obviously awesome thing.

Bad Help Alert:Celebrity assistants tell all

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 6 September 2010

Fresh trash tomorrow! Last trash of the week... right now!

Who are the sources for trash about celebrities? Sometimes it's a bitter family member, but the Star tells us that the personal assistants are often the ones who can't keep their traps shut. This is one of those grab bag stories, where a bunch of pictures are shown on the cover and juicy gossip tidbits are thrown out, but if you want to know what person is connected to what tidbit, you have to buy the magazine.

As a point of honor, I refrain from buying the magazine.

Here are the mentioned celebrities in alphabetical order: Katie Holmes, Kourtney Kardashian and her baby Mason, Robert Pattinson, Tyler Perry, Tori Spelling, Britney Spears.

Here are the secrets in no particular order.

• Who sleeps with the help?
• Who manscapes?
• Who is a sext addict?
• Who makes calls on the toilet?
• Who has leaking implants?
• Who scores girls for staffer?

I have no idea what name goes with what salacious tidbit. My only hope is that Tyler Perry is not the one with the leaking implants.

P.S. My sister Jen, who has friends in the movie business, told me years ago she had it on good authority that a big headlining star had a young woman on set whose only job appeared to be Giving Special Service That Men Like. She got listed in the credits as "Assistant to _____ ______". Whenever I see one of those credits, I wonder exactly what that person did.

The star was Bruce Willis.

Bells Are Ringing Alert™:Double wedding for Britney and Jamie Lynn

Publication: OK!
Date: 6 September 2010

Last week, OK! magazine had Jamie Lynn Spears back together with her baby daddy Casey Aldridge. This week, the headlines trumpet there will be a double wedding, Jamie Lynn and Casey walking down the aisle as the opening act, with big sister Britney tying the knot with Jason Trawick as the headliner.

The story has already been denied by publicists.

This story is very typical of OK!, far and away the nicest of the supermarket rags. They tell positive stories about people getting married and having babies and the like, but the stuff is complete fabrication, like their several weeks of trumpeting that Jennifer Aniston was having a baby when all she was doing was publicity for a movie where her character had a baby. It's almost as if OK! is aiming for a demographic that can't tell fantasy from reality.

Bad Dad Alert™:Lonely love child Frances Quinn Hunter

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 6 September 2010

They haven't been pushing the John Edwards story line very hard recently, but for those of you may have lost track, the Flagship hates him and casts him in the worst possible light at every turn. Earlier this year, they said he was going to jail and that he had proposed to Rielle Hunter, but it's been many months since those were published and nothing has come of them.

Now, the nastiest thing they can come up with about Edwards after leaving the story alone for a month is that he is a bad dad who has ignored his little bastard daughter Frances Quinn.

I usually don't agree with the tone of the stories the Flagship publishes, but if this little girl is being raised by Rielle Hunter by herself, I do feel sorry for defenseless little Frances, because her mom is one crazy bitch.