Brad Pitt sexier than ever, not that Angelina likes it.

Publications: OK!, In Touch
Date: 13 September 2010

Brad Pitt is working on a new movie and had to get rid of his scraggly beard. There are two cover stories in the supermarket rags about this.

OK!: Brad sexier than ever
In Touch: Angie hates Brad's sexy makeover

By the way, the picture above is from a video game for girls where the object is to give Brad Pitt a makeover. And I thought it was bad when Atari asked me to write Ninja Golf.

Skeeter Davis Alert™ and more!:Three bold predictions before Turkey Day

Publication: Sun
Date: 13 Sept. 2010

It pays to have standards. I have made it clear to the Sun that I will tell folks what is on the cover of their dirt cheap, completely made-up rag IF THEY GIVE SPECIFIC DATES for the end of the world or other prophecies.

This week, they did just that, promising 100 prophecies that will come true before Turkey Day, three whoppers put on the front cover.



Pope Benedict, the guy who looks like a Mafia don but is really a Nazi, will reveal the end of the world before the kickoff of Dallas Cowboys-New Orleans Saints on Thanksgiving.

Now, I don't mean RIGHT before. It's not part of the pre-game show. It's just supposed to happen before Thanksgiving.

You get the idea.



Billy Graham will let us know an angel has exposed God's plan for peace.

I hope it involves sticking a sock in the mouth of Billy's idiot son Franklin.



And last but not least... okay, maybe least, Hillary Clinton will finally file for divorce from Bill.

Hill! Hon! It's the end of the world! Let the Big Dog hunt! It's not like he's got anything better to do.

Meanest Story nominee:The Examiner goes on a corpse kicking spree

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 September 2010

This week, the low rent Examiner puts all it Hey Old Timer Gossip eggs in one basket and rips a few juicy tidbits about a bunch of famous folks all of whom are dead from a book that they allege is soon to be published. Here's what they decided to put on the cover.

• JFK and Audrey Hepburn were lovers
• June Allyson slept with two presidents
• Spencer Tracy and Katherine Hepburn had a gay scandal

And so the Examiner earns another Meanest Story nomination for yet another week.

Meanest Story nominee:Ashton Kutcher caught cheating

Publication: Star magazine
Date: 13 September 2010

I don't know any celebrities, I just know what I read on the Internet. Everything I read about Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher makes me believe they are deeply in love. Last week, the Globe said that Demi had fallen into the arms of another woman and this week, the Star is saying Ashton is cheating. Kutcher, one of the most savvy stars dealing with new media, is all over Twitter and Facebook denying it and Demi has been quoted as saying she believes him.

This blog offers its best wishes to the happy couple and hopes all the bad supermarket press is just the usual nonsense.

Meanest Story nominee:John Travolta caught cheating

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 13 September 2010

Let's be clear. The National Enquirer hates John Travolta. It very well may have something to do with Scientology. That theory is bolstered by this week's Enquirer cover that goes after three different Scientologists.

In any case, back to Travolta. He's still mourning his lost son, the Enquirer has gone after his wife's pregnancy, and now they say he's cheating. To top it off with a picture of him with his shirt off that is exceedingly unflattering.

I don't like Scientology either, but this really feels like piling on.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Camilla blackmails the Queen

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 13 September 2010

If we are to believe the low-rent Examiner, the nearly always drunk Camilla Parker-Bowles stayed sober long enough to plot an evil scheme against her really irritating mother-in-law, old Liz Windsor herself, and this will force Liz to let Charles be king after she croaks instead of bypassing Jug Eared Chuck in favor of his hunky son Wills.

Clear enough?

The only catch in this story is that Charles is still the heir apparent legally, so there is no need for skullduggery on Camilla's part. The whole poisoning/beheading/throwing into the Tower of London thing is for people farther down the queue to do to those closer to the front, and Wills seems like much too decent a chap to do this to his dad.

Why do you seek the living among the dead alert:Guess where Michael Jackson was seen alive!

Publication: Sun
Date: 13 September 2010

I hate guessing games. I wish the Sun would just tell us where he was seen alive.

But then again, believing anything you read in the Sun is a pretty sure sign you don't deserve to be carrying around enough money to buy a copy of the Sun.