Spinster Alert:Kim Kardashian's 30th birthday parties

Publications: People, In Touch
Date: 1 November 2010

So Kim Kardashian had multiple birthday parties, a strange ritual for someone who dreads getting older. Here are the headlines from the two supermarket rags that covered the get-togethers.

People: Kim's 30... Inside her B-Day parties
In Touch: Kim ditched at birthday party

Bun In The Oven Alert™:Beyoncé's surprise pregnancy

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 1 November 2010

As gossip news goes, the front page report in Us Weekly that Beyoncé Knowles was pregnant was the big story of the week. I looked around the Internet and it was on all the websites that care about this stuff. I also saw a denial from Beyoncé's mom, and Beyoncé is the kind of sweet kid who would tell her mom, so this is yet another false alarm, like the one in mediatakeout.com back in the spring.

I don't cover the hip-hop magazines, but they are just as much about gossip as the supermarket rags. One reason the singer/actress/low flying angel is still without child is that her husband Jay-Z is too busy have a feud with Hammer.

Yes, that Hammer! MC Hammer! Former ball boy for the Oakland A's! That guy.

Apparently, Jay-Z has 99 problems and being a jackass is at least 17 of them.

Surprisingly sane headline of the week:What Michelle really thinks about being first lady.

Publication: Weekly World News (via the Sun)
Date: 1 November 2010

That Michelle Obama would be on the cover of a tabloid isn't surprising. This will be the 15th appearance of the First Lady this year on the tabloid covers, tying her with Camilla Parker-Bowles. As with Camilla, almost all the stories are from the rags in the AMI kennel, the Enquirer, Globe, Examiner, Star and the Sun.

What is surprising is that this one is from the Weekly World News, the slightly crazier black and white insert in the also crazy but in color Sun.

The Weekly World News is supposed to be about UFOs and dead celebrities coming back to life. Last June, they had a two-headed Bigfoot shot on the White House lawn.

Now, if they can get Michelle Obama to go on the record about how she felt when the two-headed Bigfoot was shot, that would be worth a headline!

Tell All Book Alert!Obama's father was murdered!

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 November 2010

According to the Globe, Obama's sister is bringing out a book that will prove Obama's father did not die in an accident, but instead was... murdered!

I'm guessing it was Saul Alinsky or ACORN or William Ayers.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Obama-Clinton war explodes!

Publication: National Examiner
Date: 1 November 2010

As tabloid fodder, Barack Obama is now tied with Tiger Woods and Oprah Winfrey this year. The low-rent Examiner tells us that the Obama family and the Clinton family are at loggerheads over Hillary's ambitions. The headlines read:

"Obama: Hillary's running!"

"Michelle: And Bill's behind it!"

Meanest Story nominee:Chilean miner cannibalism cover-up!

Publication: Globe
Date: 1 November 2010

Are there people who actually want to think the worst of the trapped miners in Chile and the people who rescued them? The editors over at the Globe think that there are such people, and they call those people "subscribers".

According to the never reliable rag, there was cannibalism in the Chilean mine and it's being covered up!

Stay classy, Globe!

Meanest Story nominee:Michael Douglas feeding tube nightmare

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 1 November 2010

You might say that right thinking people are hoping for the best for Michael Douglas in his struggle against cancer, but obviously, editors at American Media, Inc. do not count as right thinking people. The story this week is that he weighs 145 lbs., had some sort of feeding tube nightmare and Catherine Zeta-Jones had a breakdown.

Stay classy, Flagship!