You So Crazy Alert™:Lisa Marie's meltdown

Publication: National Enquirer
Date: 8 November 2010

The Flagship continues its war against fat Scientologists by taking a swipe at Lisa Marie Presley this week. Among their claims about her meltdown, we have:

• Dangerous dieting and mood swings
• Teen son walks out
• Fighting with husband #4

For the record, the Enquirer seriously hates Lisa Marie, Kirstie Alley and John Travolta, fat Scientologists all. On the other hand, they have had only one story about the still svelte Tom Cruise.

Damn You Skinny (or Fat) Alert™:Khloe bullied for being fat

Publication: Weekly Life & Style
Date: 8 November 2010

Khloe Kardashian, the Baby Huey of the Kardashian clan, the one in a stable relationship and so the one of the least interest to the gossip rags, was bullied when she was a kid for being fat.

This, of course, is important new you can use.

I guess.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™ or will it?:One of three predictions in a tabloid comes true!Sort of.

Publication: Sun
Date: 2 August 2010

Back in late July, the Sun published three prophecies for the next 100 days. Let's see how they did.

Killer plague in the United States! Hmm, not so much.

Oprah performs a healing miracle! Well, it didn't make the papers around here.

Political scandals! They said there would be political scandals and they had a picture of Sarah Palin. She thinks the released audio tape of reporters hating on Joe Miller is a scandal, so I'm going to give this one a hit. The label "correct prophecy" is created, though from what was on the cover, it is correct largely because it was completely vague.

At least the prophets are off the schneid, not unlike my beloved San Francisco Giants!

On the rocks alert:Camille Grammer tells her story

Publication: People
Date: 8 November 2010

First, Kelsey Grammer leaves his wife for a spent piece of used jet trash, then his new younger girlfriend has a miscarriage. Just to add insult to injury, People decides to talk to his ex-wife Camille about how big a scumbag he is.

He's done some work I've liked, but personally and politically, he's slime just like Mel Gibson and deserves every moment of unhappiness life has to offer him.

Not that I feel strongly about this.

Man Slut Alert:Justin caught cheating with Olivia Munn

Publication: Us Weekly
Date: 8 November 2010

Yet again, Justin Timberlake is accused of cheating on Jessica Biel, this time with Olivia Munn, host of Attack of the Show and sometime correspondent on The Daily Show. Yet again, there are NO photos of them together to be found on the Internet, but that's not proof they didn't hook up, now is it?

Bells Done Rung™ Alert:Inside the wild ceremony of Russell Brand and Katy Perry

Publication: OK!
Date: 8 November 2010

Russell Brand and Katy Perry got married in an elaborate ceremony in India. Some might guess they did it that way to avoid coverage in the British and American gossip rags because it would be too expensive to send a reporter all the way to India to cover such minor celebrities.

If that was their plan, it worked to perfection. Only one mention on gossip rag covers.

Love Bird Alert™:Taylor Swift is dating Jake Gyllenhaal

Publication: People, Us Weekly
Date: 8 November 2010

Rumors are swirling around Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal. They met on Saturday Night Live and allegedly went apple picking out of town together, though there isn't a picture of them in the same shot. Here are the headlines.

People: Jake and Taylor?
Us Weekly: Taylor and Jake - sudden romance

He's 30 and she's 20, so he's trolling under the Sophisticated French Rule of half your age plus seven.