On the rocks AND Love Bird Alert™:Taylor Swift still loves her ex

Publication: In Touch
Date: 10 January 2011

For about two months, the hottest new celebrity couple has been Taylor Swift and Jake Gyllenhaal. Two weeks ago, In Touch told us that Taylor is jealous of Jake's co-star in Love and Other Drugs Anne Hathaway. Now they tell us she is also still in love with her ex-boyfriend.

If you follow the gossip rags, you'll know the description "Taylor Swift's ex-boyfriend" lacks specificity. I'll admit it. I actually opened the magazine up to find out who they were talking about, and it turns out to be Taylor Lautner, he of the funny nose and squinty eyes and fabulous abs that more than compensate for any other physical flaws.

I violated the prime directive. You're welcome.

Love Bird Alert™:Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds address the rumors

Publication: OK!
Date: 10 January 2011

Last week, Star magazine published a story that said Ryan and Sandy have been dating for months. This week, OK! tells us they answer the rumors. More likely, their representatives answer the rumors.

OK! is not the most reliable gossip rag, but I definitely give it more weight than the Star, the best groomed dog in the AMI kennel, but a dog nonetheless.

On the rocks alert: Ryan and Scarlett, what went wrong

Publication: People
Date: 10 January 2011

Clearly, the breakup of Ryan and Scarlett is the biggest celebrity split right now, so it only makes sense that The Gold Standard would weigh in on the situation. As usual, I didn't open the magazine up to find out exactly who was to blame, but I expect their version of the story wil be closer to the truth than stuff published elsewhere.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Prince William snubs Obamas!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 January 2011

According to the Globe, Prince William has banned the President and First Lady from the royal wedding, and Michelle in particular is furious.

For a historical perspective, Nancy Reagan attended the last royal wedding, but the President stayed home.

Fussin' and Feudin' Alert™:Nancy furious as Ronnie is betrayed in a tell-all book!

Publication: Globe
Date: 10 January 2011

There's nothing the supermarket rags love more than a tell-all book that will make some celebrity furious. This time, the alleged publication is by Ron Reagan Jr., and he gives details about his dad's battle with Alzheimer's Disease. Of course, Nancy, official polisher of the tomb, wants nothing to diminish the love people have for Ronnie, so the fruit of her loins is to be cast aside and made to wander in the wilderness.

In all fairness, I have to say that staged family photos back in the sixties were often awkward, but this one takes awkward and elevates it to an art form.

Skeeter Davis Alert™:The fan meets the brown stuff in 2011!

Publication: Sun
Date: 10 January 2011

Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat!

But that trick never works!

This time for sure.

Yes, it's a new year and the Sun is happy to tell us that all the important final prophecies will come true this year. Sure, they said that about 2010 as well, but this time they are serious.

The details they put on the cover include:

• Second coming, sooner than you think
• Where Armageddon will be fought (I thought it was going to be fought in Armageddon. Did they get bumped to make way for a cooler apocalypse?)
• Five signs of the apocalypse

Once again, I publish these because a precise date was given, and I will report on how successful the predictions were at the end of 2011.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow Alert™:All the end of 2010 prophecies go bust.

Publication: Sun
Date: 6 December 2010

The Sun published a list of stuff that was slated to happen before the end of the year in an issue that was on the stands this last Thanksgiving. All the predictions were long shots and they didn't get a single one right. Here's the list.

• William visits the White House as king (no visit, not king yet)
• Oprah will marry (oh, no she din't)
• Hillary divorces Bill (it's an old stand-by, but it still hasn't happened)
• Billy Graham reveals God's plan for mankind. (My good pal Padre Mickey says that all Christian preachers have revealed God's plan for mankind, but the prophecy made it sound like Billy was going to iron out the details.)

So, there we are, 0 for 4 this time around and 0 for crying out loud for the entire year. Who would keep paying attention to these predictions when they can go an entire year without getting anything right?

Well, hypothetical question asker, I would. It is the task I have set for myself and the Sun was nice enough to put more prophecies on the cover this week with specific dates, so I'll print them here on the blog and keep track of when they are going to take place.