Man Slut Alert:Justin Timberlake caught with exotic dancer

Publications: Star, Weekly Life and Style

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Justin Timberlake gets three tabloid headlines this week. Two of them link him with an exotic dancer. No word if the dancer has tattoos, because we now know that this detail can make all the difference.

Hey Old Timer Gossip Alert, with a whiff of Hairdresser: Hot Hollywood Gossip! (Not really)

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

If there is a weekly competition for most out of touch tabloid, the Examiner has to be the winner this week. Here are the people in the mishmash of stories they entitled HOT HOLLYWOOD GOSSIP! In a sub headline, they include "Gay rumors!", though they didn't say who and I didn't care enough to look.

The closest thing to hot Hollywood gossip is a rumor that Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn are breaking up. They've never married, but they have been together 27 years, so if true, this would qualify as a news story.

They have some gossip about Larry King. He broadcasts from Los Angeles, so he kind of counts as Hollywood gossip, but if it's anything like earlier gossip about him, I don't want to know.

There's gossip about Sarah Palin. This could qualify as hot, but not Hollywood.

Bea Arthur. Hollywood, yes, hot, no. A dead mid-level celebrity cannot create hot gossip. Digging up trash on Sinatra, maybe that qualifies. Digging up trash on Bea Arthur... dude. Not even.

Hey Old Timer Gossip Alert: Michael Landon was a tyrant

Publication: Globe

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

The Globe and the Examiner are the two tabloids vying for the Old People's money, and this Friday morning, gossip about the dead is the theme. My criterion for counting something as Old Timer Gossip is if someone involved in the story was famous before I graduated high school. Since Michael Landon was famous when I was in grade school, this certainly qualifies.

Melissa Anderson, the taller Melissa on Little House On The Prairie, has decided that the world needs to know that working with Michael Landon was not a picnic.

Okay, now we know.

Weekly World News Alert:11th Commandment discovered!

Publication: Weekly World News (Sun)

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Words cannot express how I love the Weekly World News, and this is a sentiment shared by all right thinking Americans. The teaser headline on the otherwise useless Sun this week was just that the 11th Commandment was found, but I had to open it up and actually read it.

For those of you not taking notes, the 10th Commandment is the one about not coveting. There are two different versions, but both start with a list (thy neighbor's house, wife, slaves, field, etc.) and end with "or anything thy neighbor owns". As a mathematician, I have to say the list is superfluous. Once you put the addendum of "anything thy neighbor owns", the stuff that came before is unnecessary.

Not so fast, true believers!

The Weekly World News wants you to know that the recently discovered 11th Commandment is a list of stuff your neighbor can have that you are ALLOWED to covet.

You can covet thy neighbor's sister-in-law. Okay, that makes sense, no ownership is implied.

You can covet thy neighbor's friends. Again, this is fair. No one can own friends.

You can covet thy neighbor's camel.

Wait a second. What's up with that? Your neighbor doesn't own his camel? Are camels only available on a lease option? Is it a rent to own situation?

This will be a question debated by serious Biblical scholars for decades.

Don't ever change, Weekly World News.

Sad (but Brave) Last Days Alert:Elizabeth Taylor has her birthday alone

Publication: National Examiner

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Liz Taylor has been close to death since the release of Butterfield 8. But this is her first mention in the tabs of 2010, because no one came to visit on her birthday.

It's very sad. It may not be true, after all this is the Examiner, but it is very sad.

Late to the Party alert: Peter Graves' last minutes

Publication: National Enquirer

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

As of the current count, the tabs have told us about over twenty soon to be dead celebrities, and none of them are dead, thank goodness. But they completely forgot to tell us that Peter Graves was gravely ill.

The Flagship says he wasn't gravely ill, just old. He was over 80, he had some heart problem and he died.

Not their fault.

On the rocks alert:Sandra Bullock's husband cheats with fetish model

Publication: In Touch

Date: 29 Mar. 2010

Top of the blog on a Thursday morning is the spot reserved for the best fresh trash. Because of their lag time, it's hard for the supermarket rags to get a scoop, but this one appears to count. Jesse James, the host of the reality TV show Monster Garage, is reported to have had an affair with multi-tattooed fetish model Michelle "Bombshell" McGee. (It's the multi tattoos that give the story the extra zazz.)

Man slut James was formerly married to a porn star. Ms. McGee wants it known that she isn't a home wrecker, just a deceived woman. James had told her he and Bullock were separated, which McGee could see was a lie when she listened to Bullock's Oscar acceptance speech. This was her motivation for coming forward.

Sandra cancelled a public appearance in London last night. Jesse James shut down his Twitter account in the past few hours. This looks like the tabloid story with legs right now, and several of those legs have multiple tattoos.

Stay tuned.

UPDATE: One week later this is the biggest tabloid story around, so In Touch gets a "confirmed" label for getting the scoop on this story.